This morning I talked with my psychiatrist about whether I deserve to feel better. We were talking about increasing my one antidepressant, and the idea of changing my mood, even for the better, scares me a little. Change is scary!
Obviously, my psychiatrist feels that I deserve to feel better. But my mental health is in my hands more than his, and a medication increase would affect my life most of all. Am I ready to feel better than this?
For the record, I’m aware that no pill can take away the pain I feel about my life, but I believe that medication can influence my abilities to cope with that pain. Everything from energy levels to organization skills can be improved through psychiatric meds. They can take overwhelming feelings and put them in a more approachable state to deal with.
Depression is a disease affecting the neurotransmitters in our brain. Literally, we depressed people don’t have the ‘happy’ chemicals that the rest of the world operates with. It’s like trying to run a car without gas. We need these chemicals to feel better. Medication can be an answer to having those chemicals released. Exercise and eating the right foods help with those chemicals too.
Antidepressants can level the playing field, so that we have the same resources in our brains to help us get through the day. No pill magically takes away all pain, but it can make pain bearable. And I need my current pain to be more bearable.
So, back to my question of whether I deserve to feel better. It’s time to examine that thought.
- First of all, who decides whether someone deserves happiness?
- What are the qualifications of being deserving?
- Can I suspend my belief of being undeserving long enough to just see what happens if I let change into my life?
I wouldn’t point to some stranger on the sidewalk and say, “Hey, you don’t deserve to be smiling right now,” so it might be equally as ridiculous to give myself the same message. Every person deserves the same as everyone else.
I’m starting to not care if I don’t feel like deserve something. Maybe I deserve good things, maybe not, but I can still aim for good things and hope for the best.
All my life I’ve thought I didn’t deserve to live but I’m still alive. No lightning bolt has struck me down. It’s time to start fighting the odds.
My abuser is out there living his life, happy as a clam. He doesn’t deserve freedom, but he has it. And if he can live a happy life than I’m allowed to as well.
I’m going to try increasing my medication to see if it helps me cope. I’m going to feel the sun on my face and not worry about clouds rolling in until they do.
So, dear readers, do yourself a favour today because you CAN. That’s all the “deserving” you need to do whatever you want. Believe it and make it happen. Fuck that self talk that says “YOU CAN’T” all the time. Seriously, kick that voice in the face.
Fate has no power over us. Neither does our negative self-talk. Let’s choose change and choose letting good stuff into our lives. We need it. Being sad and depressed and suicidal isn’t helping me at all. It’s not like I get paid for it, so why should I stay stuck in such an awful place? When we are happy and confident and self-loving, we have the resources to give back to the world in return. It’s all connected. We can’t grow until we let go, and there is so much out there just waiting for us to reach out and grasp.
Still not convinced? Let me persuade you with a little Labyrinth footage:
♥ “You have no power over me!” ♥