These past few weeks have been hell. I cheated on my therapist by seeing another, ran smack into my childhood traumas and just about broke. I turned into this ball of incredible shame and guilt and anger. My migraines took over and I cried to my neurologist about wanting to die the pain is so bad.
I also found the world’s cutest pine cone on the sidewalk by my house. I brought it inside and it flowered open in the warmth of my apartment. I saved it to show you. It’s so beautiful it makes the pain not overwhelm me as much.
I think about you so often but I feel so many negative and difficult feelings I feel like I should protect you from them. My pessimism overwhelms me. I feel like I’m nothing but sharp edges and hurt and suffering.
Therapy is so hard. Working through your emotions is SO HARD. Surviving traumatic memories is so hard. The physical pain that accompanies therapeutic work is staggeringly hard.
Maybe you can relate to my stress of wanting the difficulties to be over so I can get on with my life. I’m at an age where a lot of the people I grew up with are now married and having children. I look at photos of their lives, their accomplishments, their happiness, and I get so bitter. I withdraw from people who have a life that looks like I want mine to look like, instead of celebrating with them in their joys.
I would love to just be happy with where I’m at. I have small joys like the pine cone, and I have big joys like the people and animals in my life. I have a dog who I’ve always thought is quite silly and then I caught him reading the same book I took out from the library on finding purpose in your life. He looked so ashamed! I am so proud of him.
I visited my sister in Cambridge and with my parents. We went to an art gallery in Waterloo and got bubble tea and it was the loveliest day I’ve had in so long.
The emotional and physical pain that I feel overwhelm me until I don’t want to live anymore, but I do live. I do. Spring is on its way. Look how far we have come. Our lives may not look like we think they “should” but fuck should. Seriously, FUCK SHOULD.
This pain won’t last forever. We get breaks from it. The breaks are so important. Let’s give them the joy they deserve, and remember them when we struggle.
I’m so thankful to have you on this journey with me. This messy, painful, beautiful journey.
We may be miles and miles apart, with separate lives and separate struggles, and I don’t have much energy beyond what it takes to survive and take care of myself, but my heart holds your hands when you’re in your darkest moments. Just as your heart holds my hands.
I love you. Never forget how much we matter.
P.S. WordPress formatting is kicking my butt. I’m in too much pain to figure it out. Rawr!