I’m okay because I have to be, not because I feel that way.
I was close to crisis last week; I didn’t see a reason to go on. My self talk has been saying, “Erin, just shut the fuck up. Stay silent. Disappear. No one will miss you. No one will even notice you aren’t around. Disappearing is the only way to stay safe.”
But dying isn’t safe. Disappearing is equivalent to giving up power, and now is not the time to give up power. We need to be strong together.
The political environment in the US shook the world last week, I randomly almost had to sit on a jury, and everything was TOO FUCKING MUCH but then a beacon of hope arrived: a dear friend in another city offered me Amanda Palmer tickets. I felt reminded me that I’m not alone and that now is certainly not the time to give up.
So I ran and I pushed and here it is, November 15th and I’m still alive, though I have no fucking idea how I’m going to make it through the next few months, I have a really strong habit of keeping going. It’s a good habit to have.
We’re all scared. Even the people who look like they have their shit together really don’t but they are trying their best to do the right things, be strong and brave and be kind and patient.
I wish my mind were stronger right now. I wish I could see the world as “healthy” and “unhealthy” the way I did when I began this blog. But man, life is hard and sometimes the only way to cope is to let go of notions of sanity and insanity and just do your best and hope you land on your feet.
I miss you. I still love you. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I may swear too much and mess things up and try to disappear and then reappear. I definitely definitely use too many run on sentences.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for standing by me. It means the world. We have each other. No matter what we have each other.
How do you feel today? Do you feel like yourself? If not, can you love yourself anyway, or at least be patient with yourself? Give yourself credit for staying alive. Seriously, it’s an incredible feat.
Two posts in two days. Take that! I’m not disappearing, not ever.