Does it ever really make you angry that life never apologizes for being unfair?
I feel so small and inconsequential in a world that is fucking out of control crazy. I have absolutely no control. I want to fix everything. I want to undo the damage. Can’t someone just take responsibility for how fucked up things are?
I want to quit. I want to give up. I’m in so much pain all the time. My head hurts enough to split the world in two, but it’s stuck inside my skull. There’s so much pressure, I just don’t have the words for it.
I used to think I was getting better and now it feels like I’m just going down and down and down. I can’t be though. I’m still alive. This is just a really hard spot.
Sometimes I think that the worst thing in the world is that our feelings don’t kill us. If you’re anything like me, or if you’ve experienced something really awful, you know that emotion can just obliterate you on the inside. It’s like earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, the apocalypse is happening under your skin and you’re alone with it. It doesn’t make sense, just how much we can hurt and survive.
I don’t know why we survive this hurt. I don’t have any answers. At least not right now. All I have is experience and the knowledge that as long as we’re surviving the hurt, there has to be a reason for it. There just has to. And maybe it’s okay that we don’t know why. We just have to trust it.
I’m still here. I’m glad you are too, even though it hurts so much sometimes. We are here together.