How to Be Strong

ErinNews Stories7 Comments

We can take care of ourselves and feel strong in this dangerous world. We’re all feeling scared as hell. (Ignore my shitty formatting here and read the good stuff)

One of my good friends and I have been talking about how childhood trauma prepares us for oncoming trauma, which we’re never ready for. Part of growing up in an earthquake is learning how to stay steady on your own.

Here’s what I know:

How to Be Strong

  • Recognize your strength. You can’t feel strong without accepting that you have strength. It takes strength to exist. If you’re existing, you are strong. Even if your depression coping skills could use some work, you’re still coping the best you can. Literally, I never started feeling strong until I accepted the fact that I could be much stronger than I feel. Ask someone who supports you how they think you are strong. They’ll give you a bunch of reasons if you can’t find them yourself!
  • Let Yourself Feel. I thought I was coping okay with all of the bad news in the world but today I surprised myself by breaking down crying. Crying never feels practical. It’s like this giant human inconvenience that saves us. I felt SO MUCH BETTER after crying. If you feel like being strong is hiding your emotions, think about this: what would happen to the violence in the world if everyone could sit down and cry? Literally all the violence would stop.
  • Don’t Hurt Yourself or Anyone Else. Even if you can’t see your strength or safely let yourself feel, hurting yourself only makes you weaker. You can’t be strong if you’re attacking yourself. The world hurts us badly enough without us resorting to hurting ourselves or hurting other people.
  • Do Your Thing And Trust It. Recognize that you can’t be perfect. I’m honestly feeling like a jerk right now because I literally know over 150 people in France and I haven’t talked with them in a long time. I am worried sick. Realistically today, though, what can I do? I can write. I can let them know I’m thinking of them. I can keep myself safe to promote a safe world. I can stop beating myself up for the things I can’t do and start doing things that I can do.

Tomorrow is never promised, but the best way to predict our tomorrow is to take care of ourselves and each other for today.


ErinHow to Be Strong

Please Wait for Me

ErinBlog Maintenance9 Comments

From a great day just over a week ago. Good days still exist! I hope to have more soon.

I had a great day just over a week ago. They still exist! They’re coming back.

Waiting is not something the Internet does very well, but I am asking you to wait for me because I am coming back. I am coming back in huge ways and I promise not to leave you behind.

What we’ve had here on Daisies and Bruises is magical. You’ve helped me, I’ve helped you, we’ve talked about depression together, breaking stigma and sharing in the delights left in our darkened lives.

My migraine treatment is colliding with my mental health treatment and vice versa. I have no idea what the hell is going on except that I’m in A LOT OF PAIN.

It’s making me question my entire life. I don’t like it but I’m trying to trust that this is part of my overall healing process.

As soon as I’m able I will be back here to pick up this magical thing we have created together. Please remember me and wait for me if you can. Things will get better. I know they will. I just have to hang on until they do.

Thank you for hanging on with me.


ErinPlease Wait for Me

Judging the Mental Health of People You Don’t Know

ErinThe Mental Health System14 Comments

phrenologyI’m really surprised at how much people compare their struggles to someone else’s without knowing the full story.

The other day I was sitting in a waiting room, ten minutes before seeing my psychiatrist. There were three other people in the waiting room and soon a name was called and two people stood up and left. It appeared as though one of them was the “patient” and the other person with them was there for moral support.

As soon as they’d left the waiting room, the remaining woman leaned over and said, “You know, I really feel sorry for people like that.”

She looked at me, clearly expecting a response. I just smiled a little and kept reading. I couldn’t focus though, thinking about what that woman had just said to me.

I remembered that I’d had the exact same experience the last time I’d been in that waiting room! It was a different person who had leaned over and said the same words to me, that they felt sorry for another patient.

This rarely ever happens to me outside of a doctor’s office setting. It really makes me angry.

I don’t feel “sorry” for anyone I don’t know. I feel compassion and respect for other people and leave it at that because I don’t know their story. Their story is their business, not mine.

Only my mental health is my business to comment on or judge, and even then, I’m biased.

I feel like people say things like, “I feel sorry for people like that” to somehow convince themselves that they “aren’t that sick, thank goodness.”

The woman might as well have said, “I’m glad I’m not that crazy.” And she assumed that maybe I wasn’t “that crazy” either and by making that comment we could somehow be on the same level of sanity. What the hell?!

No one knows what someone else is going through unless they ask them and know them. And even then, we shouldn’t judge. We all have biases that can offend others.

For example, I’m writing this blog post with as much description as I can so that you can imagine the situation, but I’m making judgements too. Like, I assumed it was a woman talking to me in the waiting room, but perhaps that person doesn’t identify as female. I don’t know their gender or what pronoun they prefer.

That’s why I don’t talk in waiting rooms. I am there for my health and no one else’s. Deal with your own life, your own problems, and don’t make assumptions about other people. Although it may be human nature for us to judge one another, most of us have a conscience to keep us from saying whatever pops into our brain.

My dad has this sign in his workshop that says, “Make sure brain is engaged before putting mouth into gear.”

My brain is engaged and I do my best not to comment on things I have no authority on.

If someone makes a similar comment to me in the future, maybe I will say, “I don’t know that person so I’m not judging them one way or another.”

Sometimes, though, it just is easier to smile and then bury my face in my book. Maybe that alone conveyed the message that I wasn’t into judging other people.

Can you relate to this story? What do you do in these situations?

(If you enjoy this blog, please consider leaving a donation! It really helps me afford necessities like food and wifi to keep me writing!)

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ErinJudging the Mental Health of People You Don’t Know

The Art of Living With a Depression Blog

ErinBlog Maintenance16 Comments

00migrainegirl1I need to update with what’s going on in my head even though I have no idea what to do with it all.

Ever since my videos with HealthiNation won an Emmy, the traffic to my blog has skyrocketed. It’s wonderful but man, I never intended for things to get this big! When this was just one blog out of kajillions, I felt more freedom and anonymity. And now everyone knows me as “that girl with depression.”

When I started writing here, I chose to blog about two things: Art and Depression. I felt like art had saved me from depression. I wanted to write about the balance between the two.

When HealthiNation did my videos, they touched on my art a little but they actually cut 90% of my art out of the end product because they wanted just to talk about depression.

Although my migraines are very complicated, they’ve only been this bad (as in several ER visits a month) since the HealthiNation videos came out. I am so stressed.

This blog is mine, I own it, so I can turn things around.

I’ve toyed with the idea of making this blog “The Art of Living” instead of “The Art of Living With Depression.” It’s always been about more than depression. It’s been about living life with its ups and downs. It’s about survival and hope and endurance and even fun, sometimes.

My dedicated readers know the real story of this blog. Not all of the new readers understand. I don’t know what to do.

My biggest problem at the moment is that it really hurts my head to be on the computer. I could totally handle changing this blog, editing what information about me is on here, adding a merchandise shop so that people could support me beyond paypal donations or having to leave to visit my Etsy shop. Even introducing a few appropriate advertising spots would give me a bit of an income which would totally help my stress levels and perhaps my migraines. Yet I can’t look at this screen for more than ten minutes at a time. My head hurts too much.

This is why I’ve been so quiet. I miss you so much. I miss what this blog used to be. I want to save it. I want to change it. I want to grow with it and keep connected.

I am just so overwhelmed. So this is why I’ve been quiet.

I’m trying some new migraine treatments which are supposed to help me a lot soon. Maybe that will help me enough so that I can be on the computer longer and figure this mess out.

I miss you. I miss Daisies and Bruises.

I’m staying in touch the best I can. If I can’t continue to write as often as I would like to via computer, I’m going to try to pick up my zinester role a bit more so that we can continue this healing journey through writing that doesn’t make my head explode. Plain paper is much easier on my eyes.

Life is so unpredictable. Wouldn’t you agree?

Thank you for sticking with me. Here’s to hoping for improvement for all of us. Give yourself a hug for me.  I’ll keep you updated.

(If you enjoy this blog, please consider leaving a donation! It really helps me afford necessities like food and wifi to keep me writing!)

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ErinThe Art of Living With a Depression Blog

A SWAT Team of Butterflies to Take Your Storm Clouds Away

ErinSurvival13 Comments

Swat Team ButterfliesI have so much to tell you! I feel stifled and so alone. I can’t focus and all I can write about is how much pain I’m in physically and emotionally, how tired I am, and how lost I feel. And just thinking about those things makes them worse. I am really really struggling.

It’s time to get creative. Get REALLY creative.

I’ve just decided to give myself permission to have imperfect blog posts for the rest of the month with a FREE PASS against self-judgement, worry, and negative self-talk. Any time I catch myself beating myself up with mean thoughts, I’m going to imagine a giant stop sign. Maybe it will flash bright red. Alarms will go off!  A SWAT team of tiny butterflies will come in and take my storm clouds away.

Maybe you’re having a shitty summer too. Okay, so let’s make the rest of the August less shitty together. Here’s your assignment: imagine an alarm system that will go off if you beat yourself up with mean thoughts about yourself. Borrow my butterfly SWAT team idea if you want.

Now, every time your SWAT team comes in, head on over to YouTube and search “the best of _____,” filling the blank in with your favourite movie or tv character of all time. Watch at least one video of clips extending past five minutes. I’m going to watch Adventure Time: Best of Jake the Dog. Then I’m going to watch The Best of Doug the Pug.

If you don’t have a favourite movie or tv character you can think of, search for a video of your favourite animal. Don’t stop watching videos of that animal until you feel better.

Thank you for sticking with me as I struggle and get quiet sometimes. There are some really big and exciting changes coming up for Daisies and Bruises! I just need to start feeling a little better, a little bit more like myself, and then we’re going to create some serious positive changes for ourselves.

In the meantime, small blog posts like this with creative instructions will continue! Now go watch your favourite characters and animals on YouTube! If you get in trouble at work, blame it on me! :D

I love you and never stop thinking about you and this blog, even when I’m at rock rock bottom. The good thing about rock bottom is that it leaves you nowhere to go but up!


ErinA SWAT Team of Butterflies to Take Your Storm Clouds Away

When Someone You Love Decides to Die from Suicide

ErinSurvival18 Comments

When someone you love decides to die by suicide, you are left feeling shaken to the core. Someone in my extended family died by suicide ten days ago. I’m really really upset.

I loved this family member very very much, but I couldn’t afford the $1000 plane ticket to go to his funeral. I feel so guilty for not being physically there to pay my respects. To grieve.

And I feel so guilty because I thought I was this mental health expert. And I am…I just didn’t see this coming. I hadn’t talked to this family member in years. Not beyond Facebook message.

We’d lost touch after his wife had died. And his kids grew up, I grew up, our lives changed. Yet I thought we were part of this unspoken agreement to stay there for one another. To stay ALIVE for one another.

I realize that no matter how much I educate myself on mental health, I can’t protect anyone from their pain. And I want to. I want to save everyone.

This hurts so much. This inability to do anything to help hurts so much. This family member he took action that ended his chances for ever getting help.

I feel angry and I feel guilty. I feel nauseous. I feel love. I feel regret.

I feel this like a punch in the stomach that never stops landing. I feel shaken, like a ghost is screaming at me to DO SOMETHING and I can’t move a muscle. It’s too late. I’m too late.

I know from experience that when I’ve felt suicidal, I was not rational. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn’t think straight. There was no room in my head to contemplate how my death would devastate everyone I knew. All I could think was, “I HAVE TO MAKE THIS FEELING STOP RIGHT NOW.”

Having written that last paragraph, I feel a little less guilty about not somehow being able to save this person I care so much about. As far as I know, he was trying to make his feelings stop in the only way he felt he could.

That does not mean his decision to end his life was acceptable or right. But…it happened. He died. It’s too late for any of us to help him. He made it too late.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I hate my life a lot of the time, but I love it enough to keep going. I feel so thankful for that.

All I can do is keep my life jacket on and remain floating. I can’t look down into the depths of the ocean. I have to look at the sky. The giant sky that is there for me to take in. It’s there for you, too.

When you can’t keep swimming, just stay afloat.

ErinWhen Someone You Love Decides to Die from Suicide

Beating Depression Through Art

ErinCraft Projects10 Comments

How doing what I love, even when I'm too depressed, makes me feel 100 times better

It’s colouring time!

I always talk about starting small when you’re overwhelmed, doing something you love even if your depression has taken the fun out of it. I’ve been feeling so awful lately that I figured it was time to put some of my own advice into practice.

I decided to do the simplest art project I could think of: colouring. I found a simple design online, printed it out, and coloured it in with magic markers. I enjoyed it so much I did a second one, too!

It was really hard to make myself do this, mainly because I could think of 500 other more important things I “should” be doing with my time. I’ve been too sick to stay on top of dishes or laundry or any of those things that we actually need to do to keep our life in functioning order.

But I just can’t do those things right now. I can’t. I haven’t the mental energy or the physical energy.

Art is one thing that used to make me feel like me. So I put “feeling like me again” ahead of the dishes and laundry.

Beating Depression Through Art


I really pushed myself to do something I would find fun, even though it didn’t feel like fun at first. It took a week for me to find a design, print it out, find space to colour, sit down, choose markers, etc, but I still did it. AND I ENJOYED IT! So much that I did a second colouring page:

Beating Depression Through Art


Colouring is a really soothing activity, whether you enjoy art or not. Don’t overthink it, just pick some colours. If even that is overwhelming, use a cool colour scheme (blue, purple, green) or a warm colour scheme (red, yellow, orange), like I did.

Visit my Pinterest board called “Colour Me” to see lots of colouring pages! If you want to colour some snazzy motivational words like the ones I did, you can find the “Dream” and “Confidence” pages here.

Colouring didn’t solve any of my adult life problems like doing chores, but it made life feel like less of a chore. Totally worth it.





P.S. If you have any spare change, I could really use some laundry money. Or, feel free to leave a note with any donation with suggestions toward self-care and personal growth:

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ErinBeating Depression Through Art

Pain is Present

ErinChronic Pain15 Comments

Emergency Department Visit #135

Emergency Department Visit Number One Million

Migraines and depression go hand-in-hand. They often occur together, one starting the other. Migraines are also a result of severe trauma, physical or emotional or both. All of this pain I’m in with my migraines is reminding me of the immobility of depression, how stranded I felt, how abandoned by life.

I am so fed up. I am in so much pain. It’s been six months of intolerable migraines. I’m sick of talking about them, I’m sick of hearing everyone’s ideas of what I “should” do to fix them, I’m sick of them getting in the way of me living my life. I’m sick of being sick.

I have a neurologist who is helping me a lot. He’s going to help me fix these migraines for good, I know it, I just can’t wait any longer. But I have to. I have to wait. I have to stop beating myself up for being in pain. Depression is not my fault, migraines are not my fault.

And yet I’m hiding from the world. I’m not writing, I’m not on Facebook, I’m not going out. I feel like I’m in hell.

But wait. Just wait. Pain is present. Pain is now, screaming at me. It’s affecting how cohesive this post is and I hate that!! Ugh but ERIN, STOP.

Okay, I’m breathing. Listen: when your now is all that you can think about, when it hurts beyond all reasoning, it’s easy to think that your future can bring nothing but more pain and suffering. Recognize that. Recognize the screaming parts of you and let them scream. Let them scream their hearts out until you’re exhausted and can’t fight anymore. Then you can breathe.

I feel literally crazy right now. I hate this post! I hate everything! But that’s okay. It’s okay.

I have to stop comparing myself to others. Stop wishing things were different, stop fighting against the current and let myself drift. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m going somewhere.

Change is the only constant. Remember that.

I’m here. You’re here. We have today, even if it hurts.

I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll try not to be so silent, even if it makes for messy writing. Thank you for being patient with me.

I just titled this post, Pain is Present. WOW. Talk about paradigm shift! Pain may be the worst present we’ll ever receive, but maybe it’s still a gift. Pain is present. Hold it. Own it. Release it.


ErinPain is Present

I Can’t Give Personal Mental Health Advice!

ErinBlog Maintenance17 Comments

I'm Removing My Email Address to Protect Myself from Triggers4In the past few weeks I’ve received a ton of comments on my posts asking for my advice or requesting personal support through email, snail mail, or through other sources. On average I’ve been receiving these requests about four per day.

I cannot counsel you because I’m still healing my own mental health. I need you to know that I’m using all my emotional energy to focus on my own recovery. Please read this post of mine to learn more about why I can’t give you personal advice. 

I understand that this blog and videos I’ve done can make me sound like I have my life together and I’m this super high functioning mental health advocate, but in reality I’m dealing with the weight of my own depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, and other ailments.

I’m currently really struggling with chronic pain and I’ve temporarily abandoned my Facebook and email inbox. I am really overwhelmed and especially with my inability to work at this time, I am beyond broke. The stress from all of this is draining me completely.

Lastly, I really really love the support you’ve been showing me through my Etsy shop, but I also cannot fill custom orders at this time. This includes inquiries about ordering my crafts in bulk amounts. I can barely make it to the post office. PLEASE do not contact me via Etsy conversations to counsel you with your mental health. My Etsy shop is for sales only.

I love all of you and truly wish I could do more to help you personally, but trained mental health care workers can and will help you more than I ever could. Visit my Help Page for links to an organization or website that can help you. If you’ve tried one service and you didn’t find it helpful, try another. Keep trying! It’s worth it. You’re worth it.


ErinI Can’t Give Personal Mental Health Advice!

Hello, I’m Here

ErinDay-to-Day Life32 Comments

I'm here, I'm writing! How are you feeling?I’m here! This feels like a miracle.

I’ve been struggling a lot to function at a bare minimum. About four days ago my Internet died at home and I’ve been too depressed to do anything about it.

But tonight, finally, I dragged myself to Tim Hortons and connected to their Wi-Fi and now I am blogging. YES!

I know I’m going to get through this recent awful spell of depression. I’m good at surviving. I’ve survived a thousand emotional storms before, but man, it’s still a struggle.

This post isn’t very cohesive. I’m choking on these words. I feel muted and alone. I feel so stuck. But I know how to get unstuck:

I need to move. I need to move my body as much as I can. I need to breathe the fresh air and walk and freaking just make myself leave my apartment. Yes, it’s hard and that’s okay. I can still do it.

I need to connect. Lately, absolutely everyone I know is busy, too busy to talk to me. That’s okay. I still need to talk to people. I need to make small talk with strangers, I need to write letters, I need to share my voice through my blog. Even if it feels like I’m writing to a void of empty space.

I need to keep writing. Even when I feel like sharing my writing will bring me nothing but pain in return, I still need to do it. Every time I write I feel better. It’s who I am. It’s how I am. Writing is easier than not writing. I can write my way out of anything.

I need to remember that my anxiety is not always in tune with reality. In fact, my anxiety is a big liar. It tells me that no one cares, no one likes me, that I’m only going to get hurt in this world. But those things aren’t true!

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading. Thank you for waiting here for me during these times where I cower and feel unsure of my step. This is a blog about surviving depression: Of course I’m allowed to struggle.

So are you. You are allowed to be, just as you are. How are you feeling today? Comment if you feel safe to share your feelings. It will help you. Speak, share, keep going.

We’ll keep going together.


ErinHello, I’m Here