Me and Oscar, my pug pal who just moved away
I’m struggling. I need to tell you what’s going on because I think writing about it will help. I’ll follow-up in the next few posts with some of the simple yet effective ways I’m self-nurturing to get through my days, things that might work for you, too.
The first (and honestly most upsetting) recent trigger for my worsened depression is that my downstairs neighbours moved out of my building. I’ll miss my friend Chelsea and her two pets, Oscar the pug and Dublin the cat. I’m someone who really values a stable home, a safe place, and some furry friends.
Chelsea paid me $100 a month to pet sit for her critters and without that extra income I’m in a complete panic. I simply can’t live on $100 less a month since I barely make ends meet as it is.
So I’ve been applying for jobs, which is awkward and discouraging for most people but utterly terrifying for me. I feel so vulnerable and the disappointments of never hearing back from places that I envisioned working for just sends my depression in a downward spiral. My self-esteem is in the toilet.
Three of my most cared about, amazing, close friends are really struggling too. One I’m losing to self-harm and drugs, one is pushing all her friends away, and the other is on the brink of suicide from intolerable emotional and physical pain. Two of those friends live in other cities and I can’t afford to go visit them. If I could, I doubt it would even help. They need more help than I can give. The other friend won’t speak to me for now.
Having close friends suffer when you too are struggling with depression, is nothing short of hell. I am doing all that I can to support them regardless, but I know it’s not enough.
Lastly, in the past week and a half, I swear, my anemia symptoms are taking over my life again. I have no energy at all, can’t stop sleeping, feel weak and cold and grouchy. It turns my depression several shades darker.
Right now, my income relies on my creativity. I need to make more zines and buttons so that I can sell them in my Etsy shop and in the real world. I have to push my work, market it, share it, and keep creating more. So those are my short-term goals to survive the oncoming cold weather and the other stressors I’m dealing with.
Art is one of my main tools in coping with my depression, but on the flip-side, depression makes it hard to create art. Lack of inspiration, energy, and drive has a real cost. When my art is completed, I have to sell it, and sometimes there are no buyers. And then, without necessities, I don’t perform well.
Writing this blog helps me a lot, so I’m determined to keep writing to help me and in turn, help you. It would be ridiculous to stop writing about depression when I’m in the thick of it.
Here’s to never giving up! And to being real about what you’re dealing with. If we aren’t honest about our struggles and what we need, our friends don’t know that we need help.
You can support me through reading my writing, sharing it with your friends, and shopping in my Etsy shop! Or simply hit the donate button on my blog sidebar.
Comments on my posts really help me too! Let’s get through this together. :)