Music Monday: My Sun is Your Sun

20 May 2013 Leave a Comment

by daisiesandbruises in Monday Theme, Music, music Tags: , , , , , ,

despairphotoMy playroom in preschool had an empty wheelchair for us to play with. It was usually occupied; everyone wanted to play in it because it was different. Even at four or five years old I was aware of the power it brought about. I eyed it carefully, always aware of who sat in it and the mock sympathetic comments that person received.

“Sara, what happened?”

“Were you in an accident?”

“Do you need me to push you?”

“Are you okay?”

I remember finally catching it empty one day and I rushed to sit in it. Everything looked different to me and everyone seemed to notice. After one person chimed in with the usual sympathy, I stepped out of the chair because I didn’t deserve their kindness. Yet I still looked longingly at the next kid who sat in the chair. I didn’t want to stand out as needy, but I felt crippled.

Oh, despair…

Sometimes when I tell people that I’m living on disability payments they say, “Oh, what’s your disability?!” Sometimes the tone is purely surprised, and other times it has a joking ring to it. When I say that my disability is mainly depression, they always look puzzled.

Now I know why I envied people in wheelchairs as a kid: people generally are a lot more accepting of pain or impairment if it’s visible. If I were in a wheelchair, I bet I’d rarely ever get the question, “Oh, what’s your disability?”

People in wheelchairs undoubtedly get rude comments, they get stigmatized, and have their own list of battles as a result of their condition. Being disabled in any way guarantees that people screw you over. But to my child’s mind, I wished I could have the simplicity of support I perceived surrounding our playschool wheelchair. I didn’t know how to explain my pain to the world and I needed a metaphor to hang on to.

I understand my pain better now that I’m older.  I’m accepting of my pain now. If someone asks I will tell them that my depression makes my life hard to live. Depression affects my thinking and my energy and my engagement in life. It affects my appetite and my sleep. It gives me headaches and stomach-aches.

To continue living I’ve had to relearn everything. I’ve had to stop beating up on myself for feeling depressed. I’ve had to learn to be kind to myself. I’ve had to learn to be patient with myself and with life.

Karen O of Yeah Yeah Yeahs has the most perfect voice. It is innocent, adorable, raw and pure.Yesterday I watched the music video for Yeah Yeah Yeahs’ Despair track. It captures my experience with depression, despair, and rebuilding my life. There is hope. It’s a battle, but there is hope and a future for all of us.

Trigger warning for violence and upsetting themes. The first full minute is this one guy getting beat up, but it’s a metaphor for the rest of the video. If it makes you queasy, skip ahead to 1:25.

I love it when artists capture the pain of life alongside the pleasure of life. Both Daisies and Bruises. Here’s the lyrics:

Yeah Yeah Yeahs ~ Despair

Don’t despair, you’re there
From beginning, to middle, to end
Don’t despair,
You’re there through my wasted days
You’re there through my wasted nights
Oh despair, you’ve always been there
You’ve always been there
You’ve always been there
You’re there through my wasted years
Through all my lonely fears, no tears
Run through my fingers, tears
They’re stinging my eyes, no tears
If it’s all in my head there’s nothing to fear
Nothing to fear inside
Through the darkness and the light
Some sun has got to rise
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun

Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun

Oh despair, you were there through my wasted days
You’re there through my wasted nights
You’re there through my wasted years
You’re there through my wasted life

You’ve always been there
You’ve always been there
You’ve always been there
There through my wasted years
Through all of my lonely fears, no tears
Run through my fingers, tears
They’re stinging my eyes, no tears
We’re all on the edge, there’s nothing to fear
Nothing to fear inside

Through the darkness and the light
Some sun has got to rise

My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun

Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun

Some sun has got to rise

My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun
My sun is your sun

Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun
Your sun is our sun

Some sun has got to rise

Fuck Perfectionism!

19 May 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , ,

Guess what I’m doing? Posting a short post, with no photo, just because I can. I’ve had SO many ideas for blog posts in the past week  and every time I get an idea I smother it with negative self-talk and pathetic excuses:

“It’s too late at night to write a blog post.”

“I’m too tired to write eloquently.”

“I need to think about this idea more before I share it with the world.”

“Yeah, but if I write about ____ then people will judge me.”

“This topic is controversial and I don’t want to upset people.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“I’ve already posted too much lately.”

Raise your hand if you like any of those sentences for describing my blog.

No one? Yeah, that’s cause if I followed any of those lines of thinking completely, this blog wouldn’t even exist. I’m going to assume for a minute that all of you readers like reading my blog. If you don’t…er…leave or something. Come back anytime. The internet is a place for you to visit sites you’re interested in.

Having your own blog means that no one can tell you that you’re doing it wrong. I’m not going to piss off my boss and get in trouble for writing about something because I don’t have a boss. I can piss off my readers, but I’ll cross that bridge if I ever get there. There’s no point in trying to prevent it if it keeps me from writing anything at all.

I like being my own boss but working independently means that  I can get way too caught up with my own fears and insecurities. There’s no one else around to say, “Erin, get out of your own way!”

And, as much as I hate this back-and-forth arguing with myself, I think it’s important for me to document these things so you can see that I’m just a human being. I’m no prodigy genius spewing forth pure gold from my fingertips. I’m just a person fighting to make her own way in a world that likes people to be a cog in the machine of society. Independent artists don’t fit in with the machine metaphor.

I need to consciously tell myself that people want to hear from me. You, my readers, want to read what I have to say. I have a voice and I need to use it. I was born to communicate; we all are. SARK says that “expression is the opposite of depression.” I need to keep writing to keep my head above water. I need to. I will.

Remember that it’s important to write down the messages you tell yourself. It can give you some perspective. Write positive messages in your own words so that the sentence is relevant to you. I’m not positive all the time, but if I keep a record of positive thoughts then I can revisit them when I need to. I’ll be looking back at this post to keep me going.

I’ll be posting a new music post on Monday.  Keep on keepin’ on. ♥

Fighting for Survival

09 May 2013 6 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life, The Big Picture Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Promo FliersI believe we have to fight to create a world worth living in. On my very worst days, art is the only medium that gives me hope, so on my better days, I try to contribute to the world through art. When I’m feeling bold I create collages and paintings, but art can be more subtle too, like leaving secret messages for others to find.

I like the message, “You aren’t alone.” It can mean anything depending on your state of mind, but I like to use it in reference to mental illness. This week I’ve carried around clear mailing tape, scissors, and a bunch of my tiny fliers during my walks throughout downtown. I’ve taped up my “You aren’t alone” messages in bus shelters to promote hope and promote my blog to those curious enough to see what my URL leads to. I figure lots of people wait in bus shelters with little to look at, so my messages would be spotted there. Plus if it rained, my fliers wouldn’t be ruined as quickly in a sheltered spot.

Tonight while walking Digby I decided to check to see if my messages were still up in the two bus shelters closest to my apartment. To my dismay, both messages had been removed by some jerk within two days’ time. Dammit!

In re-examining each bus shelter, I realized that I rarely ever see fliers of any sort in those things. Someone pays to have their gigantic ad on the billboards in those spaces. Glancing at the top of each shelter I saw the creepy CBS logo with its ominous eye peering down at me, something I’d never noticed before.

So fuck bus shelters. Who needs them? Besides me and my little shred of hope taped up against plexiglass?

Yeah, on my walk back home I felt pretty discouraged, thinking that my fliers being removed symbolizes my entire life experience. I try to make a difference, and the world stops me. Someone tells me to shut up or to at least not talk because they’re the ones talking.

Lately I feel so stifled, especially being so broke. I’m sick of not having enough money, I’m sick of thinking about money, I’m sick of complaining about money. I need to start making more money or I need to move out of this apartment that I love as my home.

These small acts of bravery just won’t cut it. One palm-sized piece of coloured paper won’t magically get Londoners to read my blog entries and buy enough zines for me to pay my bills. I need to do something bigger. I need to step out of my comfort zone.

My fears of having a job stem from trauma. When I was abused, I couldn’t leave and protect myself like I needed to. Twenty-four years later, I still get triggered and scared when I don’t have complete control over my present surroundings. I’m afraid that if I give up control I will be hurt and trapped all over again.

I feel like my trauma experiences have me by the throat, but I need to hold faith in my adult powers. So, maybe working for someone else isn’t where I’m at in my recovery, but surviving trauma has its upsides that can work in my favour. I have an increased ability for survival, endurance, and creativity. I can hang on and fight.

So where is this going? I have some ideas. As usual, I’m going to keep you guessing but promise you that you’ll be the first to know whenever I do have news to share.

In the meantime, think about what hidden tools your past experiences have equipped you with. How can you make better use of those tools? How can we all turn pressure into diamonds?

When you have that all figured out, cruise on over to HYPERBOLE AND A HALF. That’s right, Allie is back with a new story about depression. See that creativity? Yeah, life is good.

I Need Your Help!

24 Apr 2013 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Daisies and Bruises Zine Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Because You're Worth ItMy meeting with the publisher a few weeks ago knocked the wind right out of me. It put my mind and my heart through the wringer.

I’ve recoiled from life on multiple levels, including avoiding writing new blog posts. I’m isolating, choosing to stay in and read instead of going out with friends.

That said, I’ve been working hard. While the experience at the publisher’s shook me up, it also made me determined to reorganize my writing and work hard to take it to the next level by myself. I’m sick of being stepped on. I’m sick of being broke. I’m sick of settling for less than I deserve.

And by the way, I don’t actually feel like I deserve these things, not one hundred percent. But I need to survive in this world, and what I’ve been doing isn’t working for me. Artists need money, too!

So I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and am asking for your help. Our domain name is expiring in about a month. It costs $25 to renew it for the year. On top of that, I want to pay for a year without advertisements on my blog. When I recently logged on to WordPress through my iPhone, I saw one of those awful ads saying, “Click here to learn this weird diet trick that got a single mom to lose x-number of pounds” and I almost threw my phone across the room. There is no way I want to promote anything unhealthy when readers visit my site. It costs another $25 annually to remove ads.

I live on disability payments. If I buy anything outside of necessities, I have to cut back on buying necessities. It sucks and I can do better. So thanks to something wonderful called a Visa card, I’ve printed a zillion copies of each issue of my zine, Daisies and Bruises, all of which are available now in my Etsy shop. You can buy them individually or in a set of 5 to receive all issues at once.

I’ve printed even more copies of my popular Letter to My Younger Self zine, making “Classroom Packs” available to anyone who wants to buy zines for a guidance counselor’s office, youth groups, etc. They are still available to buy individually, as well.

Letter to My Younger Self Classroom Pack

If you can help me out by buying a zine, or a pin, or a bunch of zines or a bunch of pins, it would me so much to me. And what happens if I make over $50 for the domain and advertisement expenses for my blog? After paying off my zine-printing expenses, any extra money goes into a fund for me to buy a laptop so I can blog on the go. As much as I love my Digby-puppy, he is one constant dude and to get any serious writing done I need to leave the apartment. Without a laptop, I can’t blog as much as I’d like to. So any extra money I make goes directly into saving for a laptop.

Click on the Support Fund pic below to visit my Etsy shop. If the item you’re looking for isn’t appearing, it’s because a copy has just sold and I need to relist it. I relist items almost immediately after they sell so check back in ten minutes or so. If you want more than one copy of any of my zines – there is no limit – email me at daisiesnbruises@gmail.com and we can set up a custom Etsy listing or an in-person swap if you live near me.

SUPPORT FUND

Want to order custom buttons? I can do 1 pin or any amount up to 1000 pins. Email me and I’ll send you my price list: daisiesnbruises@gmail.com

“I love your blog, Erin, but I’m as broke as you are. What can I do to support you without buying anything?”

Tell a friend about my blog! Tell three friends and tell them to tell their friends. Like the Daisies and Bruises Facebook page and link to my posts on your wall, your Tumblr, your Pinterest, and any other sites you can think of.

And if you’re feeling even more adventurous, ask me for a stack of fliers (for free) to distribute all over your city. Hand them out to friends, hand them out to enemies! Sneak them into the pages of library books, drop some in the waiting room at your therapist’s office.  Be creative!

Promo Fliers

Email me for some of these! daisiesnbruises@gmail.com

Ready, set, go! Let’s make the world a better place by spreading the word of mental health. Let’s decrease stigma. Let’s support independent publishing. Let’s start a movement! We’re in this together. :)

Thank you! ♥ ♥ ♥

My Favourite Mental Health Books

03 Apr 2013 1 Comment

by daisiesandbruises in Book Reviews Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

mentalhealthbooksWhy do I write when I could become a therapist and earn a steady pay cheque? Because before speaking to any therapist about anything, I go to the library. Books are my number one therapist.

I was probably the only student in the  history of A. B. Lucas Secondary School to skip class to go to the public library. Once my dad caught me downtown when I was supposed to be in class, but he didn’t worry when he saw me going into the central library downtown. If I’m not searching out free books to borrow I’m browsing titles at used book stores and visiting Chapters, spending hours among the shelves.

Yesterday I was daydreaming, staring idly at my bookshelf above my computer. I keep my favourite mental health books within arms reach at all times when blogging. Anyway, I realized that I haven’t recommended many of my favourite books to all of you yet. These books have been crucial to my survival. Go find them, buy them, sign them out, and see if they speak to your heart as they speak to mine:

Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein
- I’ve definitely talked about this one before. I swear I talk about it every day. It is THAT amazing. A real-life guide to coping in this crazy world.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon - Another major favourite of mine. Andrew has been through the darkest of times and is one survivor I couldn’t respect more.

Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes: Awakening the Ordinary Miracle of Healing by Peter A. Levine and Maggie Kline - This book really helped me become more compassionate to the younger self in me. It explains how trauma isn’t always as dramatic as a plane crash, especially for children. Whether or not you identify as someone who deals with trauma, I still recommend this book as a window to understanding childhood.

Pain: The Fifth Vital Sign: The Science and Culture of Why We Hurt by Marni Jackson - This book is SO fascinating! I especially recommend this book if you’re dealing with chronic pain, which often accompanies depression. This book taught me so much about why we feel pain, what pain is, and our society’s treatment options when it comes to coping.

Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning - This was the first book to ever help me put words to my suffering. I swear, I’ve copied down half of this book in my journal because it’s so full of amazing quotes. It’s written by a therapist who finds herself dealing with severe depression. I must reread this soon.

Telling:  A Memoir of Rape and Recovery by Patricia Weaver Franscisco - A must-read for anyone dealing with sexual abuse. I would never have spoken up to anyone about my abuse if it weren’t for this book. READ IT!

The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse by Louise M. Wisechild - This book describes the healing process through metaphor, better than any other book I’ve ever read. There are some graphic descriptions of sexual abuse, but the fierce bravery of this entire book will heal more than it triggers. I read it last year and I already want to read it again

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky - I haven’t finished this work-book yet but it’s the best one out there for cognitive behavioural therapy. I’ve heard it recommended by many many therapists. A must-read/do if you struggle with perfectionism, talking yourself out of stuff, and depression overall. Changing your thinking works helps you feel better immediately.

Those are my top book recommendations for you for now. I also recommend checking out my Books page for some great fiction titles. I can talk about books for ever and ever and ever so if you feel like recommending some titles in the comments here please do!

Unrelated: my previous post was my 150th post! Yay for milestones!

Spring Always Comes

14 Mar 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

digbyandmiloWe made it to daylight savings time, but South-Western Ontario got a fresh dump of snow and wintry winds along with it. Yesterday I caught myself thinking, “What if Spring never comes?”

It’s handy when negative thinking patterns come up against something as obvious as the seasons changing because it highlights them as faulty beliefs.  Obviously, spring has to come. The planet would basically have to stop circling the sun for spring not to come this year.  Spring IS coming!

While I’m staying quiet about the details for now, I’ll tell you that my new zine is doing very well since its release last weekend. I am both excited and anxious, two feelings that are virtually the same when it comes to our body’s internal reaction. Pounding heart, butterflies in my stomach, shallow breathing. But even though anxiety and excitement can overlap, I keep reminding myself that I am excited. It’s a good feeling, a positive feeling for once. I am hanging on to it.

Part of my experience with trauma and depression as a whole means that I don’t trust good news, good things, good weather, et cetera. But good always comes if you wait long enough. The seasons will keep turning, even if it feels like they won’t. Remember, feelings aren’t facts! If you’ve had a season of bad weather both literally and figuratively, remember that spring always comes.

I can’t resist adding a dog picture to this vague post. I never thought I’d get a good picture of both Digby and Milo together (they never stop moving!), but low and behold, I got one over the weekend. Never say never.

I’ll be back to more regular mental-health-centric posts once my therapist is back from her March Break vacation next week. Until then, I’m going to bask in the sunlight, even if it is still cold outside. Try doing the same and let me know how it goes!

Thank You! Zine Pre-Orders Open

05 Mar 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Blog Maintenance Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

zinepreorderI woke up from a nightmare this morning to feel the sun on my face. Without even opening my eyes I recognized its warmth, and with a stretch that cracked several bones in my body, I reached out my foot while opening my eyes and pulled the blind down enough with my toes so that it rolled up toward the ceiling (yeah, I’m talented). Digby and I were instantly bathed in sunlight. When I finally did get up, I stumbled to the fridge to get an apple and then went back to my patch of sunlight on the bed. I fed Digby little bites as we soaked in the sun. It felt wonderful.

It’s been a dark winter, hasn’t it? Even at -8 degrees Celcius this morning, I could feel spring reaching out to me. Daylight saving time begins on Sunday, whether or not the ice on the ground remains. We’ve almost made it!

Part of surviving depression is recognizing the good in your life. Yes, I need a vacation in the Caribbean, but I’ll take a patch of sunlight on my bed and make the most of it.

Another patch of sunlight in my life involved the responses I received from my last post. Comments from you, emails in my inbox, even AMANDA FUCKING PALMER retweeted the link to my post:

amandapalmertweet

It was a small gesture from Amanda, but it was a genuine THANK YOU kind of moment for me, where she looked me in the eyes and saw little me, who feels invisible most days. Her fans followed suit, giving daisiesandbruises.com a new record high of 541 views in a single day. My Etsy shop sales spiked, too, with some buyers even commenting saying that they’d found me through Amanda’s tweet.

If you haven’t yet, I insist you watch Amanda Palmer’s TED talk . Then come back to comment here to tell me how awesome you feel afterward!

As a gesture of thanks and of wanting to share my excitement with you, this morning I listed a Daisies and Bruises – Issue 5 pre-order in my Etsy shop. The zine isn’t even completed yet but will be by Thursday when I spend the day making copies. It is launching this Saturday, at the annual Indie Media Fair here in London, Ontario.

Pre-orders of my zine will ensure you get a copy hot off the press, plus a bunch of other little goodies in the mail that I’m throwing in out of pure excitement and gratitude.

I love all of you guys, every single one of you. Thank you for helping me feel safe enough to share my stories. You are the courage behind these little fingers typing away. THANK YOU. ♥

Trust: Art and Asking (inspired by Amanda Palmer)

03 Mar 2013 14 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

DaisiesandBruisesIssue5It’s Sunday morning, I’m watching a TED talk and I’m bawling. Sitting here in my pink cupcake pajamas, with my glasses on, no makeup, and a dog on my lap. And I’m crying good tears, tears of being allowed to feel and to hope and to ASK.

I make my living as an artist and my art is largely about shame. The shame of having a mental illness, the shame of not having a “real job,” and the shame that comes with vulnerability. In 2006 my shame was going to kill me if I kept quiet one second longer. So I looked my shame in the face and said, “FUCK YOU.”

And that’s where Daisies and Bruises was born. The title came from an Anne Sexton poem, and the content came from my heart. I started writing about depression, and how terrible it is. I started writing about loss and loneliness and fear. And I started selling my work in the form of a zine.

I now have four issues of Daisies and Bruises, and now (obviously) a blog. This Saturday, March 9th,  at the 8th Annual Indie Media Fair, I am releasing issue five of  my Daisies and Bruises zine. It will also be available through my Etsy Shop.

Why am I releasing a new issue? Because I have more to say than I can express online. I have to give you images with words, give you something tangible to hold. To put in your pocket and give you strength.

I am making my zine and asking for money with it. Money for printing costs, for the cost of my table, to make a living out of the only way I know how to interact with this world. Through art. I will also be selling other zines of mine, as well as one inch buttons.

I am asking for your money and I am giving you everything I have to give. As an artist it is my job, my duty, my passion.

So which TED talk made me cry? Amanda Palmer’s, of course. Her talk reminds me why I am proud to be an artist and why it’s more than okay to ask for what you need. Her talk reminds me that art is an exchange of trust, which is the most powerful of human emotions.

Amanda, you’re getting a copy of my zine, whether it is through snail mail or my next visit to Boston in September, or through my hands to yours as you crowd surf at one of your concerts. THANK YOU.

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