Thank You! Zine Pre-Orders Open

05 Mar 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Blog Maintenance Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

zinepreorderI woke up from a nightmare this morning to feel the sun on my face. Without even opening my eyes I recognized its warmth, and with a stretch that cracked several bones in my body, I reached out my foot while opening my eyes and pulled the blind down enough with my toes so that it rolled up toward the ceiling (yeah, I’m talented). Digby and I were instantly bathed in sunlight. When I finally did get up, I stumbled to the fridge to get an apple and then went back to my patch of sunlight on the bed. I fed Digby little bites as we soaked in the sun. It felt wonderful.

It’s been a dark winter, hasn’t it? Even at -8 degrees Celcius this morning, I could feel spring reaching out to me. Daylight saving time begins on Sunday, whether or not the ice on the ground remains. We’ve almost made it!

Part of surviving depression is recognizing the good in your life. Yes, I need a vacation in the Caribbean, but I’ll take a patch of sunlight on my bed and make the most of it.

Another patch of sunlight in my life involved the responses I received from my last post. Comments from you, emails in my inbox, even AMANDA FUCKING PALMER retweeted the link to my post:

amandapalmertweet

It was a small gesture from Amanda, but it was a genuine THANK YOU kind of moment for me, where she looked me in the eyes and saw little me, who feels invisible most days. Her fans followed suit, giving daisiesandbruises.com a new record high of 541 views in a single day. My Etsy shop sales spiked, too, with some buyers even commenting saying that they’d found me through Amanda’s tweet.

If you haven’t yet, I insist you watch Amanda Palmer’s TED talk . Then come back to comment here to tell me how awesome you feel afterward!

As a gesture of thanks and of wanting to share my excitement with you, this morning I listed a Daisies and Bruises – Issue 5 pre-order in my Etsy shop. The zine isn’t even completed yet but will be by Thursday when I spend the day making copies. It is launching this Saturday, at the annual Indie Media Fair here in London, Ontario.

Pre-orders of my zine will ensure you get a copy hot off the press, plus a bunch of other little goodies in the mail that I’m throwing in out of pure excitement and gratitude.

I love all of you guys, every single one of you. Thank you for helping me feel safe enough to share my stories. You are the courage behind these little fingers typing away. THANK YOU. ♥

One Door Closes, Another Opens

01 Jan 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in 12 Days of Christmas, Life Events Tags: , , , ,

I’ve spent the last 24 hours in solitude, quietly experiencing the closing of 2012 and reflecting on what the year has meant to me. With the opening of 2013, I feel somber but strong.

I almost didn’t make it through 2012. Two days after my Depression Cake post I ended up in the hospital because I was close to committing suicide.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital but I recognized my need and reached out for help. The hospital staff supported me and helped me to stabilize. After a few days of rest and lots of reflection, I returned home and picked up where I’d left off, but this time from a stronger place.

Since then I put my Etsy Shop on vacation so I could focus on taking care of me. I’ve been self-nurturing through doing art and keeping my small, basic routine. My blog and Digby have kept me going. So have my friends.

The best part of 2012 was visiting my friend Cassy in Salem, Massachusetts. I love her so so much and visiting her was completely magical. Through making that trip happen, I learned that I can experience truly awesome things in my life if I work for it. There are so many places for me to see and people for me to spend time with. There is so much to live for.

Life is both daisies and bruises. It is the hope generated by visiting a best friend in a different country; it is the pain ignited by speaking out against my abuser for the first time. Life is beautiful and life hurts.

Last night I saw a raccoon hiding from me and Digby in the bare magnolia tree next door. It saddened me that she was up there, scared and alone in a tree with no shelter. I quickly returned inside so she would feel safe enough to come down.

She and I have the same New Year’s Resolution: survival. I have many wishes and goals for 2013, but my only solid resolution is to get through it alive.

I look out my window and it’s snowing like it does in movies. As if a shaken snow globe shaken is finally finding balance again after being set down, the little flakes settling into their beds.

There is hope for the future and comfort during bad weather. I think the 12 Days of Christmas are over now, but I feel like posting again in the next couple of days. You help me hang on, and I hope I do the same for you. ♥

p.s. If you’re curious, here’s my blog stats for 2012. Thank YOU so much for reading along, and encouraging me in all the ways that you do.

So It Goes

22 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in 12 Days of Christmas, Art Month Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

nocoincidenceLast night I sat down to write post four of The Twelve Days of Christmas to discover that it was 1am. DAMMIT. Only four days into the Twelve Days of Christmas I broke my promise of a daily post because I was at a Christmas party and lost track of time. Kicking myself for failing as a writer, friend, advisor, and human being, I stood and entered my living room to find a shredded ten-dollar bill on the floor.

Digby looked guilty but only in a, “Well you weren’t paying attention to me, you asshole” kind of way so my anger subsided. It’s not like he knew that piece of paper had a ten-dollar value. Or did he? In the background of this little scene lay his new winter coat.

Just two hours before I had given “But my dog needs clothes” spiel to friends. “Boston terriers and pugs can’t regulate their body temperature in extreme weather due to their brachycephalic noses!” I don’t know if it’s because I find it hard to pronounce “brachycephalic” but no one ever buys my story.

I swear to God the pug breeder I talked to said that pugs have to wear coats. That said, two of my neighbours have pugs who seem to handle the winter just fine by being naked outdoors. And they aren’t even embarrassed!

Anyway, the best thing about feeling desperate so often is that the little things can become much funnier than they would otherwise. I mean, I really needed those ten dollars because I am flat broke. But did I need them in the way that Digby needs a winter coat? Who is to say what money can buy in terms of quality of life, even in the Christmas season when I’m making more gifts than I want to yet again. I have a roof over my head and a dog in a silly jacket to make me laugh.

So it goes. Life is fucked, one hundred percent. Children being murdered during the holiday season, and I want to cry every day. I can’t be perfect, no one is. So I’m going to screw up in being the perfect blogger and Digby is never going to be the model of dog behaviour.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, whom I’m leaning on quite a lot these days, “So it goes.”

“The repeated refrain from Vonnegut’s classic Slaughterhouse-Five isn’t notable for its unique wording so much as for how much emotion—and dismissal of emotion—it packs into three simple, world-weary words that simultaneously accept and dismiss everything. There’s a reason this quote graced practically every elegy written for Vonnegut over the past two weeks (yes, including ours): It neatly encompasses a whole way of life. More crudely put: “Shit happens, and it’s awful, but it’s also okay. We deal with it because we have to.” – A.V. Club

I even embroidered those words on my journal for art month. So it goes.

SoItGoes

Thank you Kurt, Digby, and my friends who humour my outrageous pet owner antics. Thank you readers. We’ll keep going, because we have to. Thank goodness life can make us laugh once in a while.

P.S. Digby also crashed a nativity scene recently. It totally made my week.

Construction Over Destruction!

18 Dec 2012 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in 12 Days of Christmas, Art Month Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

6bf5ac40460a11e2a12822000a9f18f6_7

Negative expression is on a rampage this week in North America and while it can get overwhelming and fill us with despair, we need to fight it by sharing good things as fast as we can. No, art doesn’t express as fast and as deadly as a bullet. It’s more like a flower. It grows and encourages growth around it instead of communicating death and destruction.

At the rate that bad things are happening in the world, we need to step up. There can never be too much goodness in the world and we NEED it to help us cope with the badness.

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Drowning in Traumatic Waters

04 Dec 2012 13 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Art Month, Symptoms and Side-Effects Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I am almost drowning in traumatic memories right now. That’s why I’ve been so depressed lately. Here’s a bit of the back-story:

I was traumatized within an inch of my life as a child. I had repressed my abuse memories until I was twenty-five and then the memories started to surface in recognizable chunks. It took me two years before I had the courage to speak up. This past September I went to the police about it as a way to prevent my abuser from hurting anyone else.

Before going to the police I thought I had dealt with the bulk of my trauma-related memories and feelings but I had not. Now, I keep feeling like I am four years old again and that the world is crashing around me. I feel scared and out of control and like my life is in danger, even though it isn’t. It is hell.

I keep thinking back to my early years of swimming lessons, when I learned that if someone is drowning and you don’t have a ‘life saving device’ to throw to them, it’s better if you don’t jump in the water for them at all. In their desperation to be saved, the drowning person can pull you under, causing two deaths instead of one. I feel like if I reach out for help I am going to drown someone with me.

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Live and Learn

30 Jul 2012 7 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Hindsight Tags: , , , , ,

 

“Live and learn” is a common enough phrase, but how often do we inspect it? The phrase is often paired with “experience,” that dreaded word we use when we’re trying to put a positive spin on a mistake. This past week has taught me that we can live and learn in good ways, too, believe it or not.

The feedback you gave me on my last two posts have put me in a better head space. After reviewing the faux documentary A Necessary Death as an extremely triggering film, some readers expressed interest in seeing the movie after reading my blog post. Alarmed, I considered removing my post, but first I asked you for advice. You awesome readers told me that what triggers me may not necessarily trigger other people and that some people might actually benefit from watching the movie since everyone is different. I realized that I’d been feeling overprotective of my readers and learned to let go a bit.

I also had a new living and learning experience today when I flipped back in my journal to find that my car crash was exactly one year ago today. Honestly, it feels like it happened over a year ago because of all the changes it brought forth.

After walking and taking the bus everywhere for a month as I adjusted to my car-free life, I decided to move closer to downtown. BEST DECISION EVER! The apartment I found is perfect for me and now I can say that not only do I love the building I’m in, I’ve made so many new friends as a result of making this place my home. Two out of the four tenants in my house have pugs. Not just dogs, PUGS. My third neighbour loves dogs and loves crafts and is the nicest and funnest person I’ve met in a long time. Within a month or two of moving here, I got my own puppy who turned into a further catalyst, propelling me to meet tons of other people in my new neighbourhood.

I can’t believe how much my life has improved as a result of my car accident. Of course, I hate having lost my car, but really, I think it was worth it. Instead of driving everywhere, now I walk or ride my bike, experiencing my city at a whole new level. Errands take me longer than they used to but now I feel less rushed and stressed by going at a slower pace. I have new friends that sneaked into my life in the most subtle of ways, making a profound impact over time.

There’s some proof for both you and I that the “bad” changes we experience — those events that are out of our control — can invite really good changes into our lives. Like I’ve said before, change is good, whether or not it feels good at the time. So now, a year older, I can recognize that living and learning doesn’t always have to mean something negative. By living, I’m learning that life is full of surprises and it is possible for those surprises to be good.

If we stick around long enough, we will see that even the bad changes over to good eventually. It might not always, but it does happen, and those good things make the bad easier to live with.

How has your life changed in the past year? Did any good come out of the bad?

The Power of Being Needed

27 Jun 2012 18 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Relationships Tags: ,

My cat is missing. He’s all I can think about. He’s been gone almost a week now and since he’s diabetic,  it’s really is not looking good.  :(

Have you seen him? I feel like he might have run away to go to Hollywood, since the movies I’ve made of him for YouTube (forgive me, they are 5+ years old) are very lame and he’s embarrassed. He knows he has talent and says he can be a star but I wish he’d told me his plan so I could have packed him his insulin in his kitty suitcase.

So, worst case scenario: he’s gone forever and I have to make up some ridiculous story to comfort myself. Best case scenario: he reads this post and comes home.

Jasper taught me something so important to my recovery that it saved my life on more than one occasion: the power of being needed.

Have you ever felt unimportant until you got a phone call from a friend asking why you missed school? Sometimes it takes the devotion of someone in your life to remind you of your value. I don’t trust people easily, and I don’t have a lot of friends, but my pets have filled in those slots in my life, dependent on me enough for me to feel of value.

Out of our household of four people, Jasper choose me as his favourite. He followed me around the house and cuddled with me at every opportunity. When I brushed my teeth before bed he would jump onto my shoulders as I spit in the sink; he kneaded my hair, purring me to sleep at night. I quickly started calling him Bebe because he was my baby.

Once when I was in the hospital, Jasper really wanted into my bedroom because he thought I was in there. Since my parents knew I wasn’t home, they didn’t open the door for Jasper to look for me no matter how hard he cried. His solution? He went into the back of our basement, broke into an air vent with his paws, and climbed through the walls into my bedroom.

When I was about seventeen, I was sitting on my bed just about to self-injure and Jasper put his paw across my arm, indicating that he couldn’t stand to see me hurt because he loved me so much. The thought of him having to live without me saved me from suicide on multiple occasions.

I remember being taught in high school that some people decide to have a baby only because they need to feel loved. On its own, it’s never a good idea to have a baby or adopt a pet only to fill a void in your life because the responsibility of raising a child or an animal is a huge commitment. I agree, but if you have the time and the money to devote to even just watering a plant, that responsibility just might be enough to keep you going when you feel like the world would be better off without you.

Who or what needs you? The more things we have that tie us to life, the stronger we are when stormy winds threaten to push us over. I have my pets and I have my readers, two very strong anchors.

Do me a favour and let me know if you see a Manx cat on TV. His tail is two inches long and he has a really good singing voice. Tell him to call home and I’ll bring him his insulin!

The Wellness Formula

03 Apr 2012 8 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Diagnosis Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Guess what? I still have the flu! Today is day seven of lying on the couch, taking Gravol to keep food down, and boring the pants off my puppy. Yuck!

I said to my friend S. the other day that I should be better by now. After all, isn’t this the formula for getting well?

Liquids + rest = wellness

No? Okay, how about:

Liquids + rest + Vitamin C + chicken noodle soup + flat ginger ale = wellness

Whenever I’m doing something that “should” be working  but isn’t, I have this magical belief that I actually need to do something totally random to get better. Like the universe wants me to chew bubble gum while brushing my hair and listening to Radiohead. That exact combination will equal kicking this cold to the curb! Unfortunately I don’t have the energy to try every combination of activities under the sun while I’m sick.

I know that if I went to the doctor and ask her how to get well, she would say almost the same thing as my formula above:

Rest + liquids + time = wellness

Ah, yes, time. Time and patience, those slippery things. Maybe some faith doesn’t hurt either. And so as I lie here staring at the ceiling, I have to remind myself that even though I’m doing everything that I “should” be doing to get better, my body is  only going to get better when it decides to. I have to let go and wait.

The same thing could be said for depression. When I was first diagnosed I was told:

Medication = mental wellness.

Well, that didn’t make me better. I tried another combination:

Medication + therapy = wellness

That wasn’t the quick fix I was looking for either. Adding time to the equation didn’t fix things either. Now,  after eleven years of trying to get well, I have learned a formula that kind of works for me:

The right medication + intensive psychotherapy + routine + eating well + getting enough sleep + social time + alone time + writing + grounding myself + humour + pets + time + patience = the start of wellness

What a ridiculously long formula! And after all that, I only get the start of wellness?

Unfortunately, yes, and I could have added a lot more into that equation, too. In fact, I add new parts to it every day. Sometimes I take away pieces but usually I add them back. And to make matters even more frustrating, the formula is different for every person. It’s common for certain parts of that formula to work for other people, so much so that doctors pretty much always recommend medication, but it doesn’t mean that medication always works for everyone.

It sounds really unfair, and it is. As human beings we don’t like unpredictability. We like things to fit in neat little boxes that we can sort and pile and then put away. But even the things we can measure EXACTLY don’t always act like they are supposed to.

For example, take time. There are 365 days in a year, twenty-four hours in a day, and sixty minutes per hour. Nice measurable and neat! Think back to what you were doing a year ago. Does it feel like a whole year has gone by since then? Not for me, it feels like spring of 2011 was maybe four months ago. What about when you’re really looking forward to something? Time slows right down, so that kids waiting for Santa cannot believe how long it takes for those 24 days of December to go by. And when we’re dreading something, time seems to travel faster than ever before.

So time is measurable and immeasurable. Same with illness, both physical and mental. If I were to go to the doctor today and tell her my symptoms she’d probably say that I have the flu, but there are no blood tests or breathalyzers to confirm that diagnosis. Same for depression and many other kinds of mental illness. Medicine isn’t an exact science. Life isn’t an exact science.

Luckily for me, I was never really a math or science person. I passed those classes fine but man, were they boring! Now the arts, they overflow with unpredictability. I loved drama and English and art. Pretending and writing and painting all make my feelings more manageable without putting them in neat little boxes. In drama and English and art, there are rules, but it takes more than following those rules to create something artistic. It takes heart. It takes life. It takes unpredictability.

So, back to me beating the flu. I’m still going to keep downing liquids, resting on the couch, and taking Vitamin C but I need to add some more faith that those things still will work, but on their own time. I’ve read two books in the last week, and maybe a third will bring my wellness to the surface. Maybe I’ll try walking Digby a little bit today even though I still feel nauseous.

The beauty in the unpredictable formulas is that we get to participate in our remedy. We get to stretch our comfort zones and  try what we like and try what we don’t like and by process of elimination we get closer to what we really need.

What is your formula for wellness?

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