How to Say “No” To Someone in Crisis

04 Feb 2013 6 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Survival Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

End of the RopeI miss you. Ever since my encounter in early January, my confidence is much weaker. I don’t feel like myself, and since writing is a big part of who I am, it suffers too.

I wish that everyone could always provoke a positive helpful response from others when reaching out for help. Reaching out for help is SO hard to do, and to hear “Sorry, I’m busy” can be terrible when you’re in crisis.

But it’s humanly impossible to be there for another person 24-hours a day, 7 days a week. Even the most loving constant caregiver, a new mother for example, can’t protect their child night and day. People have to sleep and eat and take care of themselves enough to take care of others.

Anyone who is a support person to someone with a mental illness needs to know that they are not holding someone’s life in their hands alone. That’s too much pressure! That’s why each and everyone needs a network of friends and professional support workers to reach out to in times of crisis. (Have you read the “My Support Wheel” post? Make sure you do!) There is always someone in the community to call if a friend has reached out to you for help and you can’t assist them. If you are a mental health support to a friend or family member, please take the following into account.

If You Aren’t Available to Help Your Friend in Crisis

- Take two minutes from whatever you are doing to respond to your friend’s call for help. Tell them you are glad that they reached out to you.

- Do explain why you cannot make yourself available.

- Respond with an offer to contact them as soon as it works for you. Giving a rough estimate of time until then is extra helpful, even if you’re out of town. “I’ll be home in a week but thinking of you often until I return. Is there someone else you can call?”

- Make sure your friend gets off the phone with a plan to contact someone else.

- Don’t make assumptions: Just because you assume someone will be fine, doesn’t mean that they will.

- Do provide other options. Crisis line numbers, 911, another friend, etc. If you are concerned that your friend has already harmed themselves or are planning on harming themselves, call 911. Safety is priority, and your friend will most likely thank you once they’ve come down from their crisis state.

Remember: Absolutely no one has a crisis for the “attention”. People do not “cry wolf”. Anyone in danger of harming themselves should ALWAYS be taken seriously.

A great way to help a friend ahead of time is to talk to them about their safety plan. Talk about your availability and what you feel you can and cannot do to help your friend and be kind about it. No one wants to be in crisis. No one wants to have to reach out and say, “I’m in danger of harming myself and I need your help.”

Speaking from experience, I know how terrible it is to live with feelings that put my life in danger. I never asked for this, yet it’s my reality and it stands between me and the life I want to be living. I wish I could tell my feelings, “No, this isn’t convenient right now. It’s the middle of the night and I shouldn’t bother anyone who may be going to bed.” It doesn’t work like that.

If you have a friend who has been or may one day be in mental health crisis, take a step back and think about the courage they are living with. The person who can stand up and say, “I’m suicidal and I need help” is the strongest person in the world. Make sure they know it and act appropriately so that your friend understands that there is good in this world worth living for. It just might save a life.

For more information, visit mindyourmind.ca‘s My Friend Needs Help page.

My Support Wheel

21 Jan 2013 6 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember how I declared 2013 as an “Art Year” for Daisies and Bruises? Well, I did some drawing for you this morning and ended up with this wagon wheel to illustrate this post. Yay!

I’ve talked about a wagon wheel representing my support system before, way back in 2011. I’m at the center of the wheel and each spoke represents a relationship in my life that keeps me strong and functional so that I can travel through my days. If you look at the diagram, the light purple spoke at the 12 o’clock spot is my therapist. Going clockwise, the next spoke is my psychiatrist, and the next three include each of my parents and my sister. Then I have two spokes for long-standing close friends. The last spoke, golden in colour, represents community resources like my local Mental Health Crisis Line, mindyourmind.ca,  and the hospital when I may need it. The coloured spokes on my wheel stay fixed and therefore I’m never left alone.

Now look at the thin black spokes between each coloured spoke in my drawing. These are my secondary supports including other friends, my blog readers, and my pets. Maybe some of my favourite books can be a thinner black spoke too – basically anyone or anything I turn to for strength to keep me going. The more spokes we have for support, the stronger we are and the better we can weather bumps in the road.

More

Human Hibernation

03 Jan 2013 15 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life, Survival Tags: , , , ,

hibernation1Winter naturally makes us want to curl up at home in front of the fire. Unless you’re into winter sports, it is easy to get depressed indoors as it gets all cold and dark outside. Here’s what I’ve found to help me with the winter blues this year:

1. Stay Warm!

My building uses gas heating and my apartment seems to be hot or cold and nothing in between. Still, I love curling up on the couch with a book in front of my heater. It is super comforting with a warm drink and Digby keeping me even warmer. Use blankets and sweaters if you don’t want to turn up the heat. Notice how your body relaxes when it’s warm enough, and be mindful of the soft blankets on your skin.

2. Turn on the Lights

Having a well-lit space totally helps my mood stay positive. I even have white Christmas lights around my windows that I use all year and they keep my space feeling magical. This winter I’ve turned on all the lights even when I don’t care to have my apartment well-lit and I swear it helps. Sure, I’m wasting environmental energy but I’m gaining physical energy from all this light. Using candles saves energy and fills the room with comforting scents. Try peppermint or lavender scents. Both are great for your mood!

3. Stock Up on Food

Like hibernating animals, it’s good to have a supply of food at home during the winter months. Stock your shelves with soup and other canned goods so you’re always able to eat regular meals. Some days, I feel too overwhelmed to leave my apartment. At least my health won’t suffer as a result of hunger.

4. Get Busy!

Yes, hibernation can be about sleep but as humans we don’t need to sleep through the winter entirely. Use this indoor time to decorate your room or apartment. Reorganize! Make your home your sanctuary. It’s the one place on this planet that is entirely yours. Make sure it inspires and comforts you.

5. Have Company Over

Don’t let the snow keep you isolation! Isolation is sooo bad for your mental health. Have friends over or go visit friends. My sister and I currently are having this mini-battle of arguing over who has to trudge through the snow to visit the other person. My friend Eva lives super close to me and has the coziest cleanest apartment ever. Winter is better with friends.

Have you noticed that my tips focus on the five senses? Sometimes when emotional comfort feels too abstract, physical comfort is the place to start. When you are comfortable physically, mental comfort comes naturally.

What do you do to get through winter?

The Strongest Hands

20 Nov 2012 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Monday Theme, music Tags: , , , , ,

My last few posts have revealed the fact that I’ve been struggling lately and unfortunately that’s worried some of you. I appreciate your concern and value your care immensely, but I’m not worried about myself.

Why’s that?

I’ve been left in the strongest hands.

My therapist is strong, but I’m not talking about her hands.

My psychiatrist is strong, but I’m not talking about his hands either.

The strongest hands are my own because I know myself best. I’m with me all the time. I know what upsets me and what comforts me. I know my red flags and what I need to feel safe. It’s pretty freaking awesome.

So yes, I’ve been a lot more depressed lately but with my own guidance I can take care of myself better than anyone else can. And when I don’t feel strong enough to care for myself by myself, I can reach out for help from others who care about me.

Let’s back up and pretend it’s Monday for a second because I’m going to share some music videos with you. Watching them is one of my favourite self-care activities. All it requires is for me to sit down, watch, and listen. The first one I came across randomly and watched it because I love kids and I love magical stories.When I first discovered it I was in isolation, barely leaving my bedroom for days at a time. It connected me with the world again. Watch it and you’ll understand just how powerful it is.

If you like that, click the “more” button below and watch two more favourite videos of mine by Sigur Ros. They’ll remind you of what beauty surrounds us, and reminding oneself of all the beauty in this world is one powerful way to keep going.

More

8 Steps to Being More Social

11 Jul 2012 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Just because I get anxious around people it doesn’t mean that I can magically get by without connecting with others, though I often wish I could. Human beings are social animals, and although I feel like a freak a lot, I think I am human. I think you  might be too!

I’ve been way more social than usual lately and it feels good. My psychiatrist always asks what social things I’ve been up to and it’s kind of annoying, but now I see why he focuses on it. Being around other people helps me get out of my head and feel engaged with life. Time goes by faster around others and making plans gives me more to look forward to.

I doubt this social period in my life will last, but maybe if I’m super smart about it I can give myself some sort of recipe to look back on the next time I’m feeling isolated. So Like most of my blog writing, this post is for me as much as it is for you.

8 STEPS TO BEING MORE SOCIAL

1. Make the First Move

I complained to my sister the other day that getting together with friends can be like pulling teeth. She said that maybe each one of us is waiting for the other person to make the first move, pick up the phone, or set a date to do something. Don’t assume that people don’t want to see you just because they don’t call you. Do assume that people want to hear from you because they do! Everyone wants to be invited to do stuff.  If picking up the phone feels too scary, read on until you get to Step 5!

2. Schedule Things in a Row

This new social period started for me a few weeks ago when my sister moved in with me before getting her own place. After having someone with me for even three days, I started to get used to not being alone all the time. Suddenly it was easy to hang out with someone without all the fuss of calling and planning and traveling to see each other. So ask a friend to stay over for a few nights or try to plan a few outings in a row so that being social becomes routine.

3. Set a Weekly Date

It’s often hard to schedule get-togethers with people last-minute, so making a weekly activity can ensure social time ahead of time. I’ve been crafting with a few friends every week now, and since we’re all creative but get stuck when it comes to motivation, we’re killing two birds with one stone. Make a date to look forward to and knock something off your productivity list at the same time. Then even when people are super busy, they’ll keep this date standing because it helps them get stuff done.  Or do the opposite and set a date to do anything but work! Start a season of a favourite show on DVD and watch it together weekly until it ends. Enrolling in a new weekly class or group has the same benefit.

4. Go Where People Are

Going to populated places to feel less lonely has been one of my tricks for years. I usually go to Starbucks and get my own table, so I have my own safe space. I bring my journal for something to do and I sip coffee and revel in an independent activity while surrounded by noise and busy lives.  I’ve even done it at the mall – and I HATE the mall – sitting in the far corner of the food court. Doing safe-feeling activities while stepping out of your comfort zone is a sneaky way to being closer to the world. Plus I read this neat article about a week ago that made me even more sure of my coffee-shop habits: Why Crowded Coffee Shops Fire Up Your Creativity.

5.  Keep the Conversation Going

With Twitter, Facebook, and just plain texting, we all seem to be plugged in all the time. So use it as another way to go where people are in the virtual world. Write on people’s walls, tweet hello, or text just to see what’s up. Even when I’m in hermit mode and never want to leave my apartment again, I can still communicate with friends without changing out of my pajamas. Playing games against friends on your phone or computer makes you feel like you’re hanging out, even when you’re both busy doing something else. There is nothing too small when it comes to staying in contact. Real life face time is the best, but when that’s not possible, stay connected.

6. Stay Informed

I try to read the newspaper daily and listen to the radio to stay connected to those around me. Even just reading latest issues of magazines at the book store keeps me up to date. Then when you talk to people, you have something current to discuss. Watching TV works, as does reading blogs online. Fresh information in any form gives you fresh things to talk about, even if you don’t have many exciting things happening in your life.

7. Be Friendly

It wasn’t until I started doing craft shows that I realized how bored people can get being at a counter or store all day. So now when I go to coffee shops or grocery stores I try to talk to the cashier. These days, a lot of companies teach their employees how to be friendlier, so it’s part of their job to smile and be nice. Use it! Smile, say thank you, and if the cashier tells you to have a nice day, be sure to say “You too!” The more people you talk to, the more you want to talk to people. If you get nervous, just ask questions about the other person. People love to talk about themselves.

8 . Say Yes!

Almost every single time I’m invited to do something with a friend I feel really hesitant to commit. But once I do go out, I am always glad that I did. Have you seen that movie Yes Man? I’m not a Jim Carrey fan but I own that movie to keep me motivated. The main character goes to a presentation on the power of saying Yes and then when he starts saying Yes to things in life instead of No, he starts meeting people, staying busy, and living his life. He becomes happy. In short, it changes things.

If this list seems overwhelming, break it up into smaller pieces. Make a goal to talk to one person today while you’re out doing errands. Try to write on one friend’s Facebook wall, maybe someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Even taking a walk down a street you don’t visit often will expose you to new faces. Give it a try!

Scream It Out

31 May 2012 16 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Survival Tags: , , , , , ,

I wish it weren’t so socially unacceptable to scream. I mean, that’s kind of the point behind screaming – a scream stands out and therefore is a great defense mechanism in emergencies – but we don’t scream enough. We often feel like screaming but instead we swear or yell at someone else, or we bury it deep inside until our pain rears its head in some other form.

Sometimes it feels like my voice is trapped inside me and it’s a wonder I can make any sound at all. It takes bravery to speak. I’d love to be able to scream into a pillow like some people do but I’m never brave enough to even try that. I know it would do me good, but I also think hearing my own scream would be as therapeutic as the act of screaming.

Or would it scare me?

It would scare other people. They would probably overlook my invisible illness and berate me for scaring them.

Maybe if we feel like screaming but don’t feel safe enough to we can scream in other ways. Express ourselves in any healthy way we can, whether it’s some sort of art or just going for a run, getting our adrenaline flowing to remind us we’re alive.

Here’s another option:

Next time someone asks you how you are, if it applies to you, bravely state, “I feel like screaming today.”

See where it takes you. Sometimes honesty is the best way to get your truth out, but metaphor can feel safer.

I definitely feel like screaming these days.

Surviving My Invisible Illness

24 May 2012 15 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

A lot of people use their blog as a place to vent about their life.  I try not to use this blog like that because I want to spread knowledge, share tools, and give people hope. I don’t feel able to do that right now, though, so here’s a bit about what’s going on for me in a less-than-uplifting sense:

I’m aware that I’m in a bad spot. In light of everything I’ve experienced, this is minor, but I should stay in tune with my feelings so that I can take care of myself. And my biggest feeling tonight is fatigue. Depression is so hard. It’s always present, sucking at my energy, draining my positivity. Murmuring in my head about how the bus just blew past my stop today only because I am insignificant.

Lately I’ve been spending only a few hours a day with others. More social interaction would probably help me feel better and so I try more and more to be social. But then when someone says no to my invitation, it kind of wipes me out. It’s like, “Okay, there goes my shot for today” because it takes so much out of me. Same for shopping, going to therapy, hell, even going out and ordering a coffee. Functioning is so much work!

And then it pretty much goes without saying that it makes applying for a job extra hard, yet having a job would lead to consistent daily social interaction, and more friends, so I really want one. I just can’t predict how I’ll be feeling from one moment to the next.

Then I judge myself for not trying harder to be “normal” and “productive” and “sane.” I fear that the world sees me as self-indulgent, irresponsible, and most of all, lazy. I see myself that way, though I need to take full scope of what’s going on: depression, therapy, and post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms that are keeping me from being at a place where I can work.

I catch myself being envious of those with a visible disease or injury. I obviously don’t want to be sick or injured at all, but if I had a broken leg, I wouldn’t be berating myself for not taking dance classes, and neither would the rest of the world. People wouldn’t be able to look at me and forget that I have a broken leg the way that the world can look at me and forget I have depression. I’m the most skilled person in the world when it comes to putting on a mask of happiness and it can make people think that I’m doing well when I am not.

Yet sometimes I’m even too tired for that anymore. It actually has taken a long time to learn that I don’t need to smile all the time, that I can be real about how I’m feeling.

Oh, but about three weeks ago I got off the bus downtown and some stranger said to me, “SMILE!” and I gave him this ICY look right back. If he’d said something like, “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” it would have made me smile, but instead he chose to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. He berated me for not pleasing him by wearing a mask. It made me so angry!

So that’s it for now. Being real about my emotions here is validating. I feel a bit better now.

P.S. Maybe there are some positive things in this post for you to take away:

1. Staying in tune with your feelings can help you take care of yourself

2. When you’re being hard on yourself, make sure you take everything into account, especially your mental illness(es) if you have them

3. Practice taking off your mask and let your face show your true emotions once in a while. It feels really good, even if others don’t get it!

Put a STOP to it!

18 May 2012 2 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Survival Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

(written a few nights ago)

Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. With practice you can learn to deal with anything, even the impulse to commit suicide.

Today I’m visualize inflicting violence upon myself in some drastic way, but not as a way to kill myself. I just want everything to STOP. The greater the force behind that giant STOP sign the better.

Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to [jump from] tall buildings in a single bound!

Suicide and Superman have a lot in common. Maybe. I actually don’t know very much about Superman but that tag line captures my impulse towards self-harm.What if we imagined ourselves surviving superhero-style? Our impulse to inflict pain can be equally stopped with a fantasy of being faster than our impulse to die, and counteracting it with something stronger.

I feel better recognizing that I don’t actually want to die but that I want things to STOP. During my treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I remember learning that if you say, “STOP!” loudly and put your hand straight out to accompany it, it’s much easier to stop your feelings, if only for a moment.

I can handle this. So where do I need to put a few STOP signs in my life?

- I am stressing about my future, because it feels like I don’t have one.

- I am stressing about money, because it dictates my future in many ways, and I don’t have enough money to keep living like this.

- I’m stressing about relationships, because they too will make my future worth living or not worth living.

Those things are big — they are worth stressing about — but not to the point of pushing myself over the edge. And this is where things get tricky, because if I don’t think about my future then my life will continue going in a direction that I don’t want it to go. But must I have my whole life figured out right now? No, no I do not.

Here’s the spot where I can STOP my all-or-nothing thinking, but dammit, I can’t. It’s too much of a habit. Maybe I can at least try to be more aware of thinking in black and white. I can try to think about how much money I need to get through this month or this week or just this day.

What can I do today to make money tomorrow? What’s one teensy tiny thing I can do? I can work on filling my Etsy orders. That’s a start.

And relationships. Well, I feel like being a hermit but at least I have plans to meet up with an old friend on Wednesday. It’s scary but it’s one teeny tiny step.

Now I feel a little better, but not a lot. I’m still really stressed out. But now that I’m done writing this post, it’s bed time. Time to put my worries on the shelf and have some rest. Enter the land of STOP, but not permanently. My bedtime medication ensures sleep, which is nice and predictable. Yes, I’m probably going to have nightmares again tonight but hey, I might not.

And what can I do until I fall asleep? Breathe. Breathe one breath at a time.

My thoughts tonight make me feel insane, but this is how to survive that insanity. Minute by minute. Maybe tomorrow my road will have more STOP signs, more than today’s road. That’s worth looking forward to. Those maybes.

Where do you need some STOP signs in your life?

Previous Older Entries

Flickr

Digby and Milo

More Photos

My Gravatar

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 479 other followers