Daisies and Bruises

Even for a blog about depression, my posts have been fucking depressing lately. Talks of suicide, crisis, not finding support when I need it. Yeah, things have sucked lately. I even had to perform a half-ass dead squirrel memorial service this week! Yes, it involved a shovel.  (Erin fun-fact #135: squirrels are the best animals in the world after cats and pugs/bostons.)

One of the weirdest things about having depression is the feeling that I get when things actually go well. It scares me because it’s so unusual, I feel like the universe is making a joke at my expense. But that isn’t always the case.

See, this past January I did a somewhat-secret experiment. I’d recognized that some of my choices in the fall had led me to places of shame and self-loathing, so I decided to attempt something that I knew would boost my self-esteem if it worked.

Blame it on feeling impulsive. I haven’t been acutely suicidal in years, but I entered that territory in the fall. So as a form of backlash, I stepped outside my comfort zone to expose myself in a positive way. I submitted two collages into The Art Exchange‘s annual Miniature Show here in London, Ontario.

I’ve visited the Miniature Show at the Art Exchange for years with my mom and my sister. Every year we promise ourselves that we’ll do it the next year. I don’t think I actually ever meant it when I said that, but this year, when I got the notification email saying that submissions were being accepted, I thought, “What the hell.” I knew I didn’t have anything to lose. Plus I was curious. My art has done well in mental health circles – could it do well in a purely artistic environment, too?

The Miniature Show asks for a piece 3″ x 4″ for a two-dimensional submission. So small that it seemed like it would be a piece of cake to complete. It wasn’t actually until I cut a piece of paper that size that I realized almost all of my individual collage pieces are larger than 3″x4″. So it was an interesting challenge, but I swear, in making those collages, I hadn’t felt that alive in years. It gave me purpose and the hours fell away as I carefully arranged my first piece. Click on it to see it full-sized.

“Scissorkix”

I named it after my Etsy shop/business name. It cost $22 to submit one piece, and since I’m living hand-to-mouth I’d only planned on submitting one collage, BUT I COULDN’T STOP. I decided to “let myself” do a second piece, and just keep it for myself. I spent only a fraction of the time I’d spent on my first piece on the second; I was far less critical and let myself play more. Here’s what I came up with. Once again, click on the image to see it full-sized.

“Run Fast, Run Far”

Those of you who have read my zines are familiar with the themes of childhood showing up in my art, most often through illustrated girls in dresses. I don’t want to explain a lot about this piece because I want it to speak for itself, but I will point out that the raindrops in the background change direction as the girl skips by with scissors in hand. Where is she going? What has turned her world upside down?

Once my piece was finished, I dipped into my meager savings jar so I had the funds to submit my second collage to the show. Why not jump in with both feet?

My mom submitted two pieces of her own work (“Sunflowers” and “Autumn Evening“) to the Miniature Show with me and it was very exciting to deliver our works and our Artist Bios to the gallery together. We were told that each submission would be scanned and featured on the gallery’s website a week before the show opened.

On February 8th I received an email saying that the Miniature Show scans were up on the gallery’s website so I immediately clicked on the link and found my collages. First the “Scissorkix” piece, and then “Run Fast, Run Far.” When I clicked on the latter I was dumbfounded to see “SOLD” written beside the title of my piece.

To be perfectly honest it scared me shitless. It was hard enough to share my art with the world, but I wasn’t prepared for one of my pieces to be sold before the show even opened! It sold almost as soon as it was posted on the website.

I still had a week to pull myself together before the show’s opening night, so that I was composed when it finally did arrive. That night I learned that the owner of the gallery had bought my piece! That’s why it had sold so quickly – she was the first to see it and then couldn’t let it go. What a compliment!

I’m still wrapping my head around this whole thing, but I’m relieved to know that not only have I earned my submission expenses back, I’ve also made a little money on top of that.

I need to go back to The Art Exchange before the show ends on March 2nd, just to have the honour of seeing my art framed in a gallery. It’s a pretty big deal in this small little life of mine.

If you’re interested in going to view the show, The Art Exchange is at 247 Wortley Road in London, and is open the following hours:

Sun/Monday – Closed
Tues/Friday – 10 – 5:30pm
Saturday- 10 – 5:00pm

Art show details aside, this experience has taught me that feeling impulsive doesn’t have to mean self-harm in one way or another. Think about the word “impulse” – if you take away the “im” you get “pulse” and your pulse equals energy. Your pulse is your heart beating blood through your veins, your pulse keeps you alive.

Impulsivity can mean courage to break out of your comfort zone. Part of feeling suicidal is having nothing to lose, so if you can harness that energy and use it in a positive way, you have power equal to your entire life force.

Think about it. The next time you’re feeling impulsive, what can you do to shake up your world in a positive way? Feel your pulse and USE IT for something good, something that makes you feel alive instead of dead. See how far it can take you.