Put a STOP to it!
18 May 2012 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: anxiety, change, coping, fear, friendship, post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, stress, suicide, the life of erin, tips
(written a few nights ago)
Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. With practice you can learn to deal with anything, even the impulse to commit suicide.
Today I’m visualize inflicting violence upon myself in some drastic way, but not as a way to kill myself. I just want everything to STOP. The greater the force behind that giant STOP sign the better.
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to [jump from] tall buildings in a single bound!
Suicide and Superman have a lot in common. Maybe. I actually don’t know very much about Superman but that tag line captures my impulse towards self-harm.What if we imagined ourselves surviving superhero-style? Our impulse to inflict pain can be equally stopped with a fantasy of being faster than our impulse to die, and counteracting it with something stronger.
I feel better recognizing that I don’t actually want to die but that I want things to STOP. During my treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I remember learning that if you say, “STOP!” loudly and put your hand straight out to accompany it, it’s much easier to stop your feelings, if only for a moment.
I can handle this. So where do I need to put a few STOP signs in my life?
- I am stressing about my future, because it feels like I don’t have one.
- I am stressing about money, because it dictates my future in many ways, and I don’t have enough money to keep living like this.
- I’m stressing about relationships, because they too will make my future worth living or not worth living.
Those things are big — they are worth stressing about — but not to the point of pushing myself over the edge. And this is where things get tricky, because if I don’t think about my future then my life will continue going in a direction that I don’t want it to go. But must I have my whole life figured out right now? No, no I do not.
Here’s the spot where I can STOP my all-or-nothing thinking, but dammit, I can’t. It’s too much of a habit. Maybe I can at least try to be more aware of thinking in black and white. I can try to think about how much money I need to get through this month or this week or just this day.
What can I do today to make money tomorrow? What’s one teensy tiny thing I can do? I can work on filling my Etsy orders. That’s a start.
And relationships. Well, I feel like being a hermit but at least I have plans to meet up with an old friend on Wednesday. It’s scary but it’s one teeny tiny step.
Now I feel a little better, but not a lot. I’m still really stressed out. But now that I’m done writing this post, it’s bed time. Time to put my worries on the shelf and have some rest. Enter the land of STOP, but not permanently. My bedtime medication ensures sleep, which is nice and predictable. Yes, I’m probably going to have nightmares again tonight but hey, I might not.
And what can I do until I fall asleep? Breathe. Breathe one breath at a time.
My thoughts tonight make me feel insane, but this is how to survive that insanity. Minute by minute. Maybe tomorrow my road will have more STOP signs, more than today’s road. That’s worth looking forward to. Those maybes.
Where do you need some STOP signs in your life?
Down and Out
31 Mar 2012 4 Comments
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: coping, crafts, depression, disability, money, stress
I don’t like sharing that I’m on disability payments to get by. More specifically, I’m on ODSP, which stands for Ontario Disability Support Program. I’m not really ashamed of it like I used to be but it’s just exhausting having to explain it to people, especially when most people are judgmental. Even within the mental health system I have encountered stigma surrounding my source of income.
So I get $1000 a month from the government due to my mental illnesses’ debilitating effects on my life. It might sound like a lot of money but it doesn’t stretch very far. My rent is $650, my hydro (aka electricity) bill has been $100+ this winter, and on top of that is my internet/cable bill and groceries. And puppy food, vaccinations, etc, leaves me with very very little.
Despite living on little money, I know that I’m very fortunate to be supported by the government. Although my parents are also willing to help keep me afloat in emergencies, I really need to be as independent as possible. Money doesn’t grow on trees, after all, and my parents work too hard for too little as it is. Therefore, if you randomly show up at my apartment for dinner I’m most likely only going to be able to offer you bread and peanut butter. I try to sleep in most days, rolling lunch and breakfast into one. I need more money than this.
On ODSP, if you make over $200 a month through a job, the government takes a cut of your earnings. So if I make over $200, the $1000 a month I receive from ODSP gets cut down to much less, shrinking the benefits of earning money. I don’t have a post-secondary school education so it’s hard to make above minimum wage, and right now I can only work part-time due to my mental health.
And as you may know, sometimes having a job requires you to spend a chunk of your earnings on keeping that job. I had to pay for parking daily at my last workplace, and the hours I worked required me to actually eat three meals a day, which upped my costs more. ODSP provides an employment start-up fund which pays for $500 worth of new clothes, a haircut, a work uniform, training costs, etc, but what happens when the seasons change? You need more new work clothes because you can’t wear your new ODSP-sponsored winter outfits in the summer.
To make a long story short, I’m pretty damn broke and there isn’t much incentive to getting a job when I don’t get to keep my full earnings. My last job took a major toll on my mental health so any job I look at now makes me question whether it will hurt me or help me overall. The extra money earned doesn’t seem worth the hassle when so much of it gets squandered away on keeping the job and paying back ODSP.
My side project of doing craft fairs (which never earns me more than $200 so I get to keep that cash after claiming it) is one meager way I can earn money. I do my crafts on my own schedule when I feel well enough, and then every month or two sign up for a fair where I can sell my work.
What sparked today’s rant is that it cost me $30 to sign up for today’s craft fair, and I wound up with the flu so I couldn’t go. No refunds, folks, so there goes my $30 I couldn’t spare to begin with as well as my potential earnings for the day . I understand the no refunds part, but I wish I could get a break somewhere. The last craft show I signed up for was cut down (pun not intended) by a trip to the hospital to get stitches in my forehead.
Sometimes I walk past variety stores and see the signs outside their doors advertising the money to be won in that week’s lottery. I wonder if I might be destined to win the jackpot because karma truly owes me some good things to balance out all the bad. I’m not willing to trade my last few dollars for nothing, though, so I just keep walking.
I Miss You
11 Mar 2012 5 Comments
in Emergency, Life Events Tags: loss, pets, psychiatry, stress, the life of erin, writing
I must admit that things are pretty crappy right now. I can count my current woes on my fingers but I still feel some secret hope that I can’t quite identify. Perhaps it is spring. Today we’re back into daylight savings time, thank God. That is a sure sign of spring, isn’t it? It’s something we can trust.
I keep waiting to feel stronger before posting here so that I can bring more good to the world and feel sure of it. Deep down, however, I know that writing itself helps me feel stronger. So here I am, writing.
My psychiatrist keeps asking me about my plans for the future and I feel like yelling at him. I feel like he should know me better than to ask me that. I feel like my life is one big ball of unpredictability, and planning for the future is like planning to win the lottery.
One of my family’s cats died a week ago yesterday. He was fourteen and had a good life but his death caught my family by surprise. Oliver was such happy and healthy kitty that we expected to have for a few more years at least. It prompted the unofficial silence on my blog. Death humbles us all, makes us feel powerless.
Two nights ago I crashed into my dresser in my sleep. Yes, I was sleep walking, something I thought I’d stopped doing since being put on sleep medication years ago. I know I was sleep walking because I didn’t have a clue that I was even out of bed until I was on the floor, my kneecaps and my forehead throbbing with pain, blood gushing from my forehead. I stumbled around in the dark, all over the apartment, until finally grabbing a rag and making my way into the bathroom to see the damage done. I kind of screamed when I saw what I did to my head and then shortly after I started laughing.
The next morning I was pissed because I needed to get stitches instead of heading right to the Indie Media Fair as planned, to sell my buttons and zines. I didn’t have to wait long at the hospital, however, and so I did end up making it to the craft sale after I put stickers of a pug, scissors, and a cat on my forehead bandage.
I haven’t been to the hospital for something non-mental health related since I was five years old and sprained my arm. It’s a relief to be shame free when I talk about getting stitches. Imagine that! Well, I am a little ashamed because it was a really stupid accident but my ego isn’t too damaged. That said, I can’t help but feel like my sleep walking was somewhat related to my mental health and stress levels. Friday was a stressful day with therapy and last-minute craft show preparation. I am thankful, however, that I didn’t hurt myself any worse. A few inches lower and I could have lost my eye. I’m going to have an ugly scar but I can handle looking a little tougher.
I have a lot more to tell you about. Hopefully this post will break my silence and get my words flowing again. I miss you a lot.
The Caffeine Queen
16 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, caffeine, change, fight-or-flight, headache, stress
I have a love-hate thing going on with caffeine. Actually, I love caffeine but I hate the crash that inevitably comes later on after it wears off.
I’m sure you’ve experienced it, too. It’s usually sometime in the afternoon and suddenly you feel exhausted. Not necessarily sleepy, but sucked of all energy and sort of feeling like you’ve just been run over. Most people try to have a second cup of coffee by that point to keep their adrenaline going, but that only delays the inevitable crash.
When my chronic headaches first decided to stampede into my life, I cut down on caffeine to see if it would help. It did help my headaches a little but I also noticed that my energy wasn’t on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows anymore. It became dependable.
Then my stomach problems started and caffeine made them worse, too, so I cut it out almost one hundred percent. That lasted for a few years but when my stomach got better I was so happy to be able to have caffeine again that I basically bought a share in the Starbucks company.
So this morning, when I felt fairly decent, I decided to forgo my instant cappuccino mixed drink. Yes, I’m a cappuccino and latte girl, which is unfortunately more expensive than just coffee, and I am so broke that I also didn’t want to spend money at Starbucks when I was downtown today. It was smooth sailing until I had to wait for the bus in freezing drizzle for a good twenty minutes. I came home and had a nap and then I couldn’t wake back up.
So, I thought, “Fuck it, let’s have some caffeine! I’ve earned it.”
Now I feel energetic but anxious, which is what caffeine does to our bodies. The energy kick we get is from our adrenaline which is the source of our fight-or-flight response. Essentially by drinking caffeine we are keeping our bodies in constant flight-or-flight mode. And what happens after we outrun that grizzly or fly away from danger? We’re exhausted, naturally. (What, you guys don’t have feathers, too? I thought I had more birds in my audience.)
(You can read more about the stress caffeine puts on our bodies here.)
Now I drink caffeine most of the time, even though I know better. It’s comforting, it’s a ritual. It’s yummy and makes me feel a type of energy that I don’t feel otherwise. It’s warm and perks me up in the dreariest month of the year.
I recently wrote about all-or-nothing thinking and I’m wondering if there’s some grey matter between having no caffeine and therefore no energy, and having caffeine with a bi-product of anxiety. How can I recreate the yummy comfort of a warm cappuccino in the morning? How can I perk myself up?
I’m not much of a tea drinker but I should give it a better try. A friend of mine has chai tea instead of coffee and loves that as her morning ritual. I’ve heard that drinking a big glass of cold water in the morning wakes up our bodies in a similar way to coffee but is much healthier.
Do you have a caffeine alternative that you want to share with us? How did you break the habit of indulging in a Tim Hortons’ drink or swinging by Starbucks? Or if you’re from the other end of the arena, why do you love caffeine and want to stick with it? Let’s get our minds percolating!
Twelve Days of Christmas: Day 2 – The Comedown
25 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in 12 Days of Christmas, The Big Picture Tags: coping, holidays, peace, quotes, stress, twelve days of christmas
Tonight’s contribution to Daisies and Bruises’ Twelve Days of Christmas is simple: Let’s all take a deep breath and congratulate ourselves on getting through Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Santa and presents and family is great but holidays can be STRESSFUL! Not to mention the shopping and traveling and chaos that leads up to them.
For we Canadians, tomorrow is Boxing Day, a holiday where everyone flocks to the malls for supposedly great deals on the stuff they wish they got for Christmas. It’s similar to Black Friday. Needless to say, I am avoiding malls at all costs tomorrow. Anyway, there’s still Boxing Day and New Year’s in terms of holidays in the near future but Christmas, if you celebrate it, is the big one and it’s over. Time to wind down, put our feet up, and come back to the kind of present that isn’t wrapped in a bow. Here now, this moment, this second.
“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi
Surviving the Holidays
22 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: change, coping, goals, school, stress
When I was a teenager I wasn’t always super excited about the holidays. I really looked forward to sleeping in and not having to go to school, but the multiple family gatherings and lack of a schedule made me nervous. Here are some tips on what I’ve found to be helpful during the holidays!
- Sleep in, but set your clock. Sleeping in is awesome but even on the days I do plan on sleeping in I set my alarm clock for like 11am. That way I can sort of plan my day in my head and not wake up later than I wanted to. Sometimes when I don’t set my clock I wake up at like 1pm and kick myself because I wanted to have more time to do stuff in the afternoon. Even a more relaxed schedule than usual is enough of a break as opposed to throwing schedules out the window. You’ll thank yourself when your holidays are over and you realize you got some of the things done that you’d hoped to.
- Learn a new skill. Two Christmases ago my mom taught my how to knit and I loved it not only because I could make practical things like scarves and whatnot but because I had something to do when family gatherings dragged on or I was bored while watching the obligatory Christmas movies. As long as you stay involved with the people around you there is no rule saying you can’t multitask! Keeping my hands busy is a huge way for me to de-stress.
- Go for a walk. This is a great way to get out of the house and have a breather during family events. Walking the dog is a great excuse! The streets are quieter and the snow and colourful lights are a treat to witness. I always feel like I’m in a Christmas movie when I walk past houses and can see people around their tree indoors.
- Celebrate the year in unique ways. For about three years now I’ve kept a notebook where I document each year as it winds up. I try to remember all the books that I read that year and glue in any movie ticket stubs I have lying around. I take screenshots of my favourite iTunes playlists and print them out. I glue them in my book so that when I’m older I can remember what I liked listening to in 2011. It’s neat because when you listen to music it can sometimes transport you back in time to when you first discovered it and this way you’ll know exactly what year your memories are from. These lists and collections can also be done as the year goes on – start new lists for 2012! Buy a notebook somewhere and start setting it up now. Listography.com is also a great site for keeping lists and recordings and even sharing them with others.
- Be gentle with yourself when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. It’s great to set goals for the upcoming year but don’t try to do too much all at once or you’ll set yourself up for failure. Aiming to eat healthier is a great idea but don’t promise yourself to do it ALL the time because just one small setback can make you discouraged enough to give up on your goal entirely. Break your goals into smaller more attainable pieces. For example, aim to choose fruit or vegetables over other snack foods three days a week. If you already do that, you can set the bar higher but be realistic with what’s achievable. Make sure to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished and give yourself a reward for meeting your goals, too.
So those are some tips on what help me get through the holidays. What do you plan on doing this year?
*this post was originally written for in 2010! I think it still applies. :)
5 Tips for when Depression is Kicking Your Ass
28 Jul 2011 8 Comments
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, coping, depression, mental health superhero underpants, stress
I am writing this post tonight to help myself as much as you because this has been one hell of a week. It really convinced me that these mental health superhero underpants are just not going to cut it 24/7 because writing confidently about mental illness isn’t going to change the fact that I still suffer from mental illness. And yes, I mean “suffer”, not “live with” mental illness because I am suffering and to lie to you about that would undermine everything this blog stands for.
So this shitty week is reminding me of the things I have learned to do to prevent shitty weeks from getting shittier, aka things that I messed up on this week. These are things I learned to do after eight years of refusing to believe that they make any difference to one’s mood whatsoever. They are a pain in the ass most of the time but I do notice a difference in my well being when I stop doing them. And I always seem to throw all these tips away right when I need to be sticking to them the most. BAD IDEA!!
Anyway, even if you don’t think this list applies to you, file it away in the back of your mind somewhere. The best way I have found to keep my mood tolerable is to monitor my depression and make sure I do the following.
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Fight or Flight
13 Jul 2011 9 Comments
in Book Reviews, Symptoms and Side-Effects Tags: mindyourmind.ca, PTSD, stress
Someone today thought they were educating me about Cortisol, the stress hormone, and it took all of my energy not to burst out with facts about zebras and pooping.
Wait, what?
Once again, I need to refer back to a post I wrote originally for mindyourmind.ca. It’s only fair that I let you in on the science behind why we need to poop when we’re nervous. You know you’re curious!
This whole stress hormone thing has been a huge issue for me in the past few years with my headaches and stomach problems. In my frustration over not being able to cure my ailments, I eventually went to the library looking for answers. There I found a book called Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert M. Sapolsky. It had a ton of information on the fight or flight response, which up until then I’d only heard about in science class.
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