A Sign for My Window
24 Apr 2012
by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, coping, depression, life direction, quotes, self-talk, social anxiety
Life feels dark and directionless today. The weather can’t be helping, cold and blowing, rain hissing down from the sky. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for disaster, which I know is ridiculous. I create my life. Mental illness affects it but I can choose positive thinking to get myself through today. But it’s hard with the sky so dark.
Every once in a while, life brings someone into my life that helps me see the sun. Someone breathes life into my veins and shows me that there’s a lot out there in the world, a lot of goodness that can be trusted. Then life takes that person away and I question whether they existed in the first place. It’s hard to believe in the good when it leaves so little evidence.
But I contradict myself again. There is evidence of good in the world, as I talked about in my last post. I just have to get there and hang on until I do. My problem is that there are so many people around me that are tired of life as well. There are so many of us straining for something better.
I read a quote this week, adding it to my one hundred and fifty page collection that grounds me when no one else can:
[My best tip for overcoming depression is] to regard it as being like the weather. It’s not your responsibility that it’s raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it’s raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won’t be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.
- Stephen Fry
Maybe I should make a sign for my window that the sky can read and be reminded that some of us down here have had too much rain. DEAR SUN, PLEASE RETURN TO MY LIFE. AND WHEN YOU COME BACK, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE AGAIN. At least stick around long enough for me to dry off and warm up and sit in peace.
I feel myself in my own way. My self-talk is bad and my self-esteem is worse. Hence my lack of blog posts lately. And then, of course, I beat myself up over that.
Isolation is always a trap for me. I fall into it so easily since I adore doing solitary things like reading and writing and doing art. It felt like my connection with the world was falling away piece by piece and then I got the flu, so all the events I was looking forward to got crossed off my calendar. Now I feel like I have nothing to pick back up.
The solution is there: Go, don’t think, just go and do it and live. Or at least, write.
How My Dog Made Me Like People Again
30 Jun 2011
by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, depression, pets, social anxiety, tips
It was only a matter of time before I blogged about my pets. Anyone who knows me in the least expects a daily remark of some sort or wild story about my dog and two cats. They rule my life.
Anyone who has a pet knows what I’m talking about. There’s something that makes them better than human companions in so many ways. They are more loyal than anyone you will ever meet, they make us laugh about every hour at least, and they live in the moment one hundred percent. There are countless stories about the benefits of pets on one’s physical health, from therapy dogs in hospitals to cats recognizing disease before their owners realize it on their own. We can tell that our pets are good for our moods from the way we feel around them, but how far can it stretch?
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The Human Condition
29 Jun 2011
by daisiesandbruises in Relationships Tags: homewood, PTSD, relationships, social anxiety, support, wheel
When I was about eleven I remember watching this show on tv about the Guinness Book of World Records. They talked about a man who had over 90% percent of his body tattooed so that he looked like a leopard. When he shut his eyes, yellow leopard eyes peered from his lids. What stood out to me most was that this man lived in a cabin in a remote wooded area and hadn’t socialized with people for years. Upon doing a quick Google search for this post I learned that this man was named The Leopard Man of Skye. One could argue that the man isolated himself like that because of his tattooed self that society might not approve of, but he was also a war veteran and admitted to being unable to return to civilian life after wartime. As an eleven-year-old the story of this man stuck with me and I often thought of The Leopard Man living out there all alone.
As an adult I have learned the hard way that isolation is something I am drawn to and must try to avoid. My favourite activities, reading, writing, and art, are mainly solitary tasks and considering the length of my reading list, writing goals, and art projects planned it would be great if I could go about my day in complete solitude. If it weren’t for the loneliness that creeps in I would be productive and efficient, generating my will to live as I went.
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Making Your Own Luck
21 Jun 2011
by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: fear, high school, movies, social anxiety
A few months ago I stood on a high school auditorium stage and announced that when I was in high school, I was too scared to go into the cafeteria because of all the students that would be staring at me. I briefly realized that I was standing in front of twice as many students (which is pretty awesome) but I knew that I’d been just as scared speaking on that stage as I was ten years ago in the cafeteria. Only this time I’d been ready for my fear. Maybe it helped that the stage was lit and the audience sat in the dark so I couldn’t really see their faces. Maybe it helped that I was older than the students I was speaking to and that gave me confidence. Deep down, however, I knew that it was easy because I could leave that high school minutes after I spoke, never having to witness the reaction to my words.
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