A Sign for My Window
24 Apr 2012 6 Comments
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, coping, depression, life direction, quotes, self-talk, social anxiety
Life feels dark and directionless today. The weather can’t be helping, cold and blowing, rain hissing down from the sky. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for disaster, which I know is ridiculous. I create my life. Mental illness affects it but I can choose positive thinking to get myself through today. But it’s hard with the sky so dark.
Every once in a while, life brings someone into my life that helps me see the sun. Someone breathes life into my veins and shows me that there’s a lot out there in the world, a lot of goodness that can be trusted. Then life takes that person away and I question whether they existed in the first place. It’s hard to believe in the good when it leaves so little evidence.
But I contradict myself again. There is evidence of good in the world, as I talked about in my last post. I just have to get there and hang on until I do. My problem is that there are so many people around me that are tired of life as well. There are so many of us straining for something better.
I read a quote this week, adding it to my one hundred and fifty page collection that grounds me when no one else can:
[My best tip for overcoming depression is] to regard it as being like the weather. It’s not your responsibility that it’s raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it’s raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won’t be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.
- Stephen Fry
Maybe I should make a sign for my window that the sky can read and be reminded that some of us down here have had too much rain. DEAR SUN, PLEASE RETURN TO MY LIFE. AND WHEN YOU COME BACK, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE AGAIN. At least stick around long enough for me to dry off and warm up and sit in peace.
I feel myself in my own way. My self-talk is bad and my self-esteem is worse. Hence my lack of blog posts lately. And then, of course, I beat myself up over that.
Isolation is always a trap for me. I fall into it so easily since I adore doing solitary things like reading and writing and doing art. It felt like my connection with the world was falling away piece by piece and then I got the flu, so all the events I was looking forward to got crossed off my calendar. Now I feel like I have nothing to pick back up.
The solution is there: Go, don’t think, just go and do it and live. Or at least, write.
Hands Behind the Wheel
26 Mar 2012 1 Comment
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: change, depression, goals, loss, quotes, the life of erin
This weekend I worked for my dad behind a booth at a local car show. During one of my breaks I walked around the exhibits, checking out restored gems from decades ago alongside some newer cars brought in by local dealers. I slid into a , shut the door, put my hands on the wheel and felt something I rarely ever feel: desire.
New people tune in to my blog every day, so if you’re a new reader, I’ll fill you in on a few points: I love cars and love to drive, but I crashed my car last summer. Now my insurance will be too high for me to afford to drive, since I could barely afford it before the accident.
Cars symbolize freedom and control. For almost a year now I’ve had nightmares about crashing my car, the last dream being two nights ago. It’s a pretty mild recurring nightmare of mine, compared to the others, but I think it’s symbolic my whole life being out of control. Yet despite the nightmares, I still felt desire when I sat in my dream car. I was so close to being able to drive that car, yet still so far away.
Desire has one key emotion behind it: hope. I sat in that car and my heart said, “I want this.” My brain was spewing its usual chatter: “You’re broke as hell and will never be able to afford insurance again, let alone a car.” Yet my heart didn’t listen. It told me that I could have that car just like anyone else could.
Deep down I feel like I don’t deserve to have the few things I do want. After all, who would I take for a drive in a new car? I don’t have many friends, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have anyone to go visit. My self talk is terrible!
I catch myself disbelieving I could even get a job, save up money, and maybe one day buy that car for myself. As if fate would put its foot down and say, NO!! ERIN CAN’T HAVE IT! SHE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!
Um, no. No one gives a shit whether or not I have that car. It’s up to me.
Lately I’ve felt stuck. Like I’m waiting for the world to notice that I’m missing and invite me back into it instead of taking responsibility for myself. Getting up, dusting myself off, and putting myself back out there. Arguably, I could say that I’m doing all right – after all, I did work all weekend and talked to hundreds of strangers. I made money, I was “out there.” Yet I always leave feeling empty. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe I’m not in my element. It could be a thousand things.
We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.
Cecelia Ahern, A Place Called Here
I did feel “found” a few months ago but it didn’t last. I am trying my best to hang on to that feeling but it’s hard work.
What do you do when you feel lost? How much of it is in our control? How much of it is depression? How much of it is our soul-sucking economy? How much is it isolation and deprivation?
I need a shortcut, a way out. I feel like the world must be full of opportunities or else everyone around me wouldn’t be getting by as well as they are. Maybe my antennae are broken and I just can’t feel out the good like I’m supposed to. Actually, I KNOW that’s my problem. Depression is losing touch with the good in our lives. I just feel like I’ve been working my way through it for nothing.
Sure I want a new car, but it’s more than that. I want my hands behind the wheel, I want power and control and safety. I want freedom. I want fuel to burn as I drive towards a destination that I’ve dreamed about.
We Still Burn
26 Jan 2012 6 Comments
in Survival Tags: poetry, PTSD, quotes, trauma
Let me tell you something about trauma. It’s an event or a series of events that turn your world upside down. Then even when you’re back on your feet standing around with everyone else, you aren’t sure what’s really up and what’s really down. You never regain your proper balance or perspective.
That’s bad enough but what’s worse is that the response to your trauma is so intense that it becomes everything. Life becomes divided into two categories: “before it happened” and “after it happened.” You see a piece of it in everything you do and everything you’ve ever done. You have no idea who you are because who you are was compromised and since then you’ve become a stranger to yourself. Trauma changes the brain, and so you never really got a chance to grow into who you were supposed to be.
But maybe what you’re supposed to be is different. Maybe what you’re “supposed” to be is whatever you are, or whatever you want to be. It’s wherever you’re headed. We can’t change our past but we can change our future.
But trauma can make the future seem pretty bleak. It can make life feel like nothing but a series of threats to our safety. And maybe it is, at times. But as long as there is a threat, at least we know we are alive. At least we know that we have survived, if for no reason but to spite those who tried to extinguish our flame. We still burn and together we shed a light that dispels the darkness all around.
A Litany For Survival by Audre Lorde
For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s minds
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours;For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid.So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive.
Twelve Days of Christmas: Day 2 – The Comedown
25 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in 12 Days of Christmas, The Big Picture Tags: coping, holidays, peace, quotes, stress, twelve days of christmas
Tonight’s contribution to Daisies and Bruises’ Twelve Days of Christmas is simple: Let’s all take a deep breath and congratulate ourselves on getting through Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Santa and presents and family is great but holidays can be STRESSFUL! Not to mention the shopping and traveling and chaos that leads up to them.
For we Canadians, tomorrow is Boxing Day, a holiday where everyone flocks to the malls for supposedly great deals on the stuff they wish they got for Christmas. It’s similar to Black Friday. Needless to say, I am avoiding malls at all costs tomorrow. Anyway, there’s still Boxing Day and New Year’s in terms of holidays in the near future but Christmas, if you celebrate it, is the big one and it’s over. Time to wind down, put our feet up, and come back to the kind of present that isn’t wrapped in a bow. Here now, this moment, this second.
“Each one has to find his peace from within. And peace to be real must be unaffected by outside circumstances.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi
Cue Comfort
14 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Fun Tags: links, music, quotes
Today is a dark and rainy Monday and I’m tossing around my apartment trying to figure out my life. The worse I feel the more I doubt my words and I keep starting letters, starting journal entries, starting posts and then fear creeps out of my stomach and starts putting me down until I can’t move.
The only thing I can do to keep me from being swallowed by my fear is to retreat into inspiration. I surround myself in what I love or what comforts me. Do you want in on these things? I LOVE it when bloggers share their inspirations but I haven’t done it here yet. It seems only fitting, though, since during these fear paralysis times I am thinking of YOU and wanting to share my life still. Here’s a sampling of my self-comfort this week.
Emotional Bagcheck is a site where you can vent or listen and make a song recommendation. Check out the “carry it” option to get the feel of it. AWESOME idea.
“Adventures in Depression” from Hyperbole and a Half. Allie is one of my biggest online heroines and I want to be her best friend forever…along with the thousands of people who comment on her hilarious posts. After this one I recommend reading this post and this one (especially if you’re a dog lover). I’m also building a post on her latest comic to use it as a teaching tool about depression. Coming soon!
. I like the lyrics, “And the things that keep us apart/Keep me alive/And the things that keep me alive/Keep me alone.” The lyrics are sad but the music is comforting. Comment with your email address if you want me to send you the song!
by . I’ve always been a fan of positive banners like this and I’m finally making my own! I’ll show you when it’s done.
I am in love with the art by . Knitting narwhals and giraffes with telescopes.
Wallpaper – not for your desktop but your home – is making a comeback. If only it wasn’t so expensive getting shit mailed to Canada. Check out Muffin and Mani.
My quote collection is beyond huge. I shared one with a new friend of mine the other day and she said it reminded her of me:
“Shuttered like a fan no-one suspects your shoulder blades of wings.”
- Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body
The Grand Essentials of Happiness
28 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in Survival Tags: happiness, pets, quotes
The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
~ Allan K. Chalmers
A simple post for you on this beautiful Friday morning! Getting well and feeling “normal” has felt light years away for me this week and I feel pretty hopeless. I came across this quote this morning however, and it simplified things for me. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I forget about being happy with today. You’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again: Today is all we have.
I have things to do – too many things to do – and no reason to do them. To be perfectly honest I’ve been very depressed since I moved to this apartment about a month ago because I no longer have a pet with me. Jaspercat has moved home with my parents where he can play freely outside. I realized how unhappy he was being cooped up in a small apartment with me. I am terribly lonely.
I don’t trust people easily and this “love” that Chalmers speaks of in his quote is not something I ever hope to have in the romantic sense. I love my friends but I can’t see them as much as I would like to. Anyway, I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m hoping to get a puppy. That is what is giving me hope and fuel these days. Something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
What are you doing, loving, and hoping for right now?
Depreshon
23 Aug 2011 5 Comments
Okay guys, this week is sucking so far but I’m turning it around by going for ice cream with an awesome friend. In case you don’t have an awesome friend to hang out with tonight, and in case you’re feeling depressed, I am prescribing you kittehs. They know a lot about depreshons!
What, goggies too?
(This blog has been taking itself too seriously.)
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Language of the Uncomfortable
04 Jul 2011 8 Comments
in The Mental Health System Tags: activism, crazy, hospital, quotes, reality, stigma
After my recent post titled “The Noonday Demon,” a friend told me it was no longer politically correct to use the term “Third World Country.” Upon doing some research, I learned the alternative phrase some people are now using is “undeveloped.” While the terms of “First World Country” to “Fourth World Country” initially came about to classify political world views during the cold war, it eventually became misunderstood as people thought it was a ranking of the best to the worst. I meant it in this context:
“Despite ever evolving definitions, the concept of the third world serves to identify countries that suffer from high infant mortality, low economic development, high levels of poverty, low utilization of natural resources, and heavy dependence on industrialized nations.”
I encourage you to view the source of that quote here, a site that explores the root of that language and its future. It’s quite interesting!
I am glad that my friend brought the issue of terminology up not only because I love grammar and the evolution of language, but because this is a perfect segue to examining the language used to speak of mental illness. And holy shit, is there ever a ton to talk about there. People tend to rename things that make them uncomfortable, and talking mental illness certainly makes people uncomfortable!
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