The Wellness Formula
03 Apr 2012 8 Comments
in Diagnosis Tags: depression, doctors, formulas, goals, growth, medication, pets, physical illness, the life of erin, therapy, tips
Guess what? I still have the flu! Today is day seven of lying on the couch, taking Gravol to keep food down, and boring the pants off my puppy. Yuck!
I said to my friend S. the other day that I should be better by now. After all, isn’t this the formula for getting well?
Liquids + rest = wellness
No? Okay, how about:
Liquids + rest + Vitamin C + chicken noodle soup + flat ginger ale = wellness
Whenever I’m doing something that “should” be working but isn’t, I have this magical belief that I actually need to do something totally random to get better. Like the universe wants me to chew bubble gum while brushing my hair and listening to Radiohead. That exact combination will equal kicking this cold to the curb! Unfortunately I don’t have the energy to try every combination of activities under the sun while I’m sick.
I know that if I went to the doctor and ask her how to get well, she would say almost the same thing as my formula above:
Rest + liquids + time = wellness
Ah, yes, time. Time and patience, those slippery things. Maybe some faith doesn’t hurt either. And so as I lie here staring at the ceiling, I have to remind myself that even though I’m doing everything that I “should” be doing to get better, my body is only going to get better when it decides to. I have to let go and wait.
The same thing could be said for depression. When I was first diagnosed I was told:
Medication = mental wellness.
Well, that didn’t make me better. I tried another combination:
Medication + therapy = wellness
That wasn’t the quick fix I was looking for either. Adding time to the equation didn’t fix things either. Now, after eleven years of trying to get well, I have learned a formula that kind of works for me:
The right medication + intensive psychotherapy + routine + eating well + getting enough sleep + social time + alone time + writing + grounding myself + humour + pets + time + patience = the start of wellness
What a ridiculously long formula! And after all that, I only get the start of wellness?
Unfortunately, yes, and I could have added a lot more into that equation, too. In fact, I add new parts to it every day. Sometimes I take away pieces but usually I add them back. And to make matters even more frustrating, the formula is different for every person. It’s common for certain parts of that formula to work for other people, so much so that doctors pretty much always recommend medication, but it doesn’t mean that medication always works for everyone.
It sounds really unfair, and it is. As human beings we don’t like unpredictability. We like things to fit in neat little boxes that we can sort and pile and then put away. But even the things we can measure EXACTLY don’t always act like they are supposed to.
For example, take time. There are 365 days in a year, twenty-four hours in a day, and sixty minutes per hour. Nice measurable and neat! Think back to what you were doing a year ago. Does it feel like a whole year has gone by since then? Not for me, it feels like spring of 2011 was maybe four months ago. What about when you’re really looking forward to something? Time slows right down, so that kids waiting for Santa cannot believe how long it takes for those 24 days of December to go by. And when we’re dreading something, time seems to travel faster than ever before.
So time is measurable and immeasurable. Same with illness, both physical and mental. If I were to go to the doctor today and tell her my symptoms she’d probably say that I have the flu, but there are no blood tests or breathalyzers to confirm that diagnosis. Same for depression and many other kinds of mental illness. Medicine isn’t an exact science. Life isn’t an exact science.
Luckily for me, I was never really a math or science person. I passed those classes fine but man, were they boring! Now the arts, they overflow with unpredictability. I loved drama and English and art. Pretending and writing and painting all make my feelings more manageable without putting them in neat little boxes. In drama and English and art, there are rules, but it takes more than following those rules to create something artistic. It takes heart. It takes life. It takes unpredictability.
So, back to me beating the flu. I’m still going to keep downing liquids, resting on the couch, and taking Vitamin C but I need to add some more faith that those things still will work, but on their own time. I’ve read two books in the last week, and maybe a third will bring my wellness to the surface. Maybe I’ll try walking Digby a little bit today even though I still feel nauseous.
The beauty in the unpredictable formulas is that we get to participate in our remedy. We get to stretch our comfort zones and try what we like and try what we don’t like and by process of elimination we get closer to what we really need.
What is your formula for wellness?
I Miss You
11 Mar 2012 5 Comments
in Emergency, Life Events Tags: loss, pets, psychiatry, stress, the life of erin, writing
I must admit that things are pretty crappy right now. I can count my current woes on my fingers but I still feel some secret hope that I can’t quite identify. Perhaps it is spring. Today we’re back into daylight savings time, thank God. That is a sure sign of spring, isn’t it? It’s something we can trust.
I keep waiting to feel stronger before posting here so that I can bring more good to the world and feel sure of it. Deep down, however, I know that writing itself helps me feel stronger. So here I am, writing.
My psychiatrist keeps asking me about my plans for the future and I feel like yelling at him. I feel like he should know me better than to ask me that. I feel like my life is one big ball of unpredictability, and planning for the future is like planning to win the lottery.
One of my family’s cats died a week ago yesterday. He was fourteen and had a good life but his death caught my family by surprise. Oliver was such happy and healthy kitty that we expected to have for a few more years at least. It prompted the unofficial silence on my blog. Death humbles us all, makes us feel powerless.
Two nights ago I crashed into my dresser in my sleep. Yes, I was sleep walking, something I thought I’d stopped doing since being put on sleep medication years ago. I know I was sleep walking because I didn’t have a clue that I was even out of bed until I was on the floor, my kneecaps and my forehead throbbing with pain, blood gushing from my forehead. I stumbled around in the dark, all over the apartment, until finally grabbing a rag and making my way into the bathroom to see the damage done. I kind of screamed when I saw what I did to my head and then shortly after I started laughing.
The next morning I was pissed because I needed to get stitches instead of heading right to the Indie Media Fair as planned, to sell my buttons and zines. I didn’t have to wait long at the hospital, however, and so I did end up making it to the craft sale after I put stickers of a pug, scissors, and a cat on my forehead bandage.
I haven’t been to the hospital for something non-mental health related since I was five years old and sprained my arm. It’s a relief to be shame free when I talk about getting stitches. Imagine that! Well, I am a little ashamed because it was a really stupid accident but my ego isn’t too damaged. That said, I can’t help but feel like my sleep walking was somewhat related to my mental health and stress levels. Friday was a stressful day with therapy and last-minute craft show preparation. I am thankful, however, that I didn’t hurt myself any worse. A few inches lower and I could have lost my eye. I’m going to have an ugly scar but I can handle looking a little tougher.
I have a lot more to tell you about. Hopefully this post will break my silence and get my words flowing again. I miss you a lot.
The Grand Essentials of Happiness
28 Oct 2011 1 Comment
in Survival Tags: happiness, pets, quotes
The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
~ Allan K. Chalmers
A simple post for you on this beautiful Friday morning! Getting well and feeling “normal” has felt light years away for me this week and I feel pretty hopeless. I came across this quote this morning however, and it simplified things for me. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my head and my problems that I forget about being happy with today. You’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again: Today is all we have.
I have things to do – too many things to do – and no reason to do them. To be perfectly honest I’ve been very depressed since I moved to this apartment about a month ago because I no longer have a pet with me. Jaspercat has moved home with my parents where he can play freely outside. I realized how unhappy he was being cooped up in a small apartment with me. I am terribly lonely.
I don’t trust people easily and this “love” that Chalmers speaks of in his quote is not something I ever hope to have in the romantic sense. I love my friends but I can’t see them as much as I would like to. Anyway, I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m hoping to get a puppy. That is what is giving me hope and fuel these days. Something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.
What are you doing, loving, and hoping for right now?
Depreshon
23 Aug 2011 5 Comments
Okay guys, this week is sucking so far but I’m turning it around by going for ice cream with an awesome friend. In case you don’t have an awesome friend to hang out with tonight, and in case you’re feeling depressed, I am prescribing you kittehs. They know a lot about depreshons!
What, goggies too?
(This blog has been taking itself too seriously.)
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