100 Feelings
14 May 2012 7 Comments
in Blog Maintenance Tags: goals, growth, happiness
On the 100th day of school in Grade One we had to bring in 100 items of our choosing. I brought 100 pieces of popcorn. I don’t know if I ate the popcorn after, but probably not because everyone touched it while counting.
This is my 100th post. Yay! I would never have guessed that I’d written that many but WordPress counts these things.
I’m trying to make a habit of relishing the good things because there aren’t nearly enough of them in life. So 100 posts is pretty cool. And in just under a month’s time, Daisies and Bruises is going to reach its first year anniversary.
I have about 100 feelings right now. Pride, excitement, joy, anticipation, and satisfaction. Then I have my normal feelings of anxiety and depression, caution and fear.
I feel a bit wiser than when I started this blog, too. I’ve noticed some patterns in my writing habits, like how I tend to stop writing for a bit after I write a post I’m proud of writing. At first I tell myself that I want to make sure everyone reads that post before I continue, but then I start telling myself that I can’t write another post as good as the one before. Then I tell myself that post wasn’t that good to begin with. Then I start beating myself up for writing a new post. Then I just avoid writing, period. It can be fucking exhausting, being me.
Anyway, the countdown is on to the first-year-anniversary of Daisies and Bruises on June 16th. I’m super excited because this blog is going to grow in some exciting ways. Stay tuned!
The Wellness Formula
03 Apr 2012 8 Comments
in Diagnosis Tags: depression, doctors, formulas, goals, growth, medication, pets, physical illness, the life of erin, therapy, tips
Guess what? I still have the flu! Today is day seven of lying on the couch, taking Gravol to keep food down, and boring the pants off my puppy. Yuck!
I said to my friend S. the other day that I should be better by now. After all, isn’t this the formula for getting well?
Liquids + rest = wellness
No? Okay, how about:
Liquids + rest + Vitamin C + chicken noodle soup + flat ginger ale = wellness
Whenever I’m doing something that “should” be working but isn’t, I have this magical belief that I actually need to do something totally random to get better. Like the universe wants me to chew bubble gum while brushing my hair and listening to Radiohead. That exact combination will equal kicking this cold to the curb! Unfortunately I don’t have the energy to try every combination of activities under the sun while I’m sick.
I know that if I went to the doctor and ask her how to get well, she would say almost the same thing as my formula above:
Rest + liquids + time = wellness
Ah, yes, time. Time and patience, those slippery things. Maybe some faith doesn’t hurt either. And so as I lie here staring at the ceiling, I have to remind myself that even though I’m doing everything that I “should” be doing to get better, my body is only going to get better when it decides to. I have to let go and wait.
The same thing could be said for depression. When I was first diagnosed I was told:
Medication = mental wellness.
Well, that didn’t make me better. I tried another combination:
Medication + therapy = wellness
That wasn’t the quick fix I was looking for either. Adding time to the equation didn’t fix things either. Now, after eleven years of trying to get well, I have learned a formula that kind of works for me:
The right medication + intensive psychotherapy + routine + eating well + getting enough sleep + social time + alone time + writing + grounding myself + humour + pets + time + patience = the start of wellness
What a ridiculously long formula! And after all that, I only get the start of wellness?
Unfortunately, yes, and I could have added a lot more into that equation, too. In fact, I add new parts to it every day. Sometimes I take away pieces but usually I add them back. And to make matters even more frustrating, the formula is different for every person. It’s common for certain parts of that formula to work for other people, so much so that doctors pretty much always recommend medication, but it doesn’t mean that medication always works for everyone.
It sounds really unfair, and it is. As human beings we don’t like unpredictability. We like things to fit in neat little boxes that we can sort and pile and then put away. But even the things we can measure EXACTLY don’t always act like they are supposed to.
For example, take time. There are 365 days in a year, twenty-four hours in a day, and sixty minutes per hour. Nice measurable and neat! Think back to what you were doing a year ago. Does it feel like a whole year has gone by since then? Not for me, it feels like spring of 2011 was maybe four months ago. What about when you’re really looking forward to something? Time slows right down, so that kids waiting for Santa cannot believe how long it takes for those 24 days of December to go by. And when we’re dreading something, time seems to travel faster than ever before.
So time is measurable and immeasurable. Same with illness, both physical and mental. If I were to go to the doctor today and tell her my symptoms she’d probably say that I have the flu, but there are no blood tests or breathalyzers to confirm that diagnosis. Same for depression and many other kinds of mental illness. Medicine isn’t an exact science. Life isn’t an exact science.
Luckily for me, I was never really a math or science person. I passed those classes fine but man, were they boring! Now the arts, they overflow with unpredictability. I loved drama and English and art. Pretending and writing and painting all make my feelings more manageable without putting them in neat little boxes. In drama and English and art, there are rules, but it takes more than following those rules to create something artistic. It takes heart. It takes life. It takes unpredictability.
So, back to me beating the flu. I’m still going to keep downing liquids, resting on the couch, and taking Vitamin C but I need to add some more faith that those things still will work, but on their own time. I’ve read two books in the last week, and maybe a third will bring my wellness to the surface. Maybe I’ll try walking Digby a little bit today even though I still feel nauseous.
The beauty in the unpredictable formulas is that we get to participate in our remedy. We get to stretch our comfort zones and try what we like and try what we don’t like and by process of elimination we get closer to what we really need.
What is your formula for wellness?
Hands Behind the Wheel
26 Mar 2012 1 Comment
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: change, depression, goals, loss, quotes, the life of erin
This weekend I worked for my dad behind a booth at a local car show. During one of my breaks I walked around the exhibits, checking out restored gems from decades ago alongside some newer cars brought in by local dealers. I slid into a , shut the door, put my hands on the wheel and felt something I rarely ever feel: desire.
New people tune in to my blog every day, so if you’re a new reader, I’ll fill you in on a few points: I love cars and love to drive, but I crashed my car last summer. Now my insurance will be too high for me to afford to drive, since I could barely afford it before the accident.
Cars symbolize freedom and control. For almost a year now I’ve had nightmares about crashing my car, the last dream being two nights ago. It’s a pretty mild recurring nightmare of mine, compared to the others, but I think it’s symbolic my whole life being out of control. Yet despite the nightmares, I still felt desire when I sat in my dream car. I was so close to being able to drive that car, yet still so far away.
Desire has one key emotion behind it: hope. I sat in that car and my heart said, “I want this.” My brain was spewing its usual chatter: “You’re broke as hell and will never be able to afford insurance again, let alone a car.” Yet my heart didn’t listen. It told me that I could have that car just like anyone else could.
Deep down I feel like I don’t deserve to have the few things I do want. After all, who would I take for a drive in a new car? I don’t have many friends, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have anyone to go visit. My self talk is terrible!
I catch myself disbelieving I could even get a job, save up money, and maybe one day buy that car for myself. As if fate would put its foot down and say, NO!! ERIN CAN’T HAVE IT! SHE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!
Um, no. No one gives a shit whether or not I have that car. It’s up to me.
Lately I’ve felt stuck. Like I’m waiting for the world to notice that I’m missing and invite me back into it instead of taking responsibility for myself. Getting up, dusting myself off, and putting myself back out there. Arguably, I could say that I’m doing all right – after all, I did work all weekend and talked to hundreds of strangers. I made money, I was “out there.” Yet I always leave feeling empty. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe I’m not in my element. It could be a thousand things.
We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.
Cecelia Ahern, A Place Called Here
I did feel “found” a few months ago but it didn’t last. I am trying my best to hang on to that feeling but it’s hard work.
What do you do when you feel lost? How much of it is in our control? How much of it is depression? How much of it is our soul-sucking economy? How much is it isolation and deprivation?
I need a shortcut, a way out. I feel like the world must be full of opportunities or else everyone around me wouldn’t be getting by as well as they are. Maybe my antennae are broken and I just can’t feel out the good like I’m supposed to. Actually, I KNOW that’s my problem. Depression is losing touch with the good in our lives. I just feel like I’ve been working my way through it for nothing.
Sure I want a new car, but it’s more than that. I want my hands behind the wheel, I want power and control and safety. I want freedom. I want fuel to burn as I drive towards a destination that I’ve dreamed about.
My Art and Writing Published!
28 Jan 2012 8 Comments
in The Big Picture, Uncategorized Tags: art, goals, mindyourmind.ca, the life of erin, writing
Picture an eighteen-year-old me, hiding in the basement of my family’s house. I have magazine clippings surrounding me and a blank piece of black paper on the floor in front of me. I feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, passionate, and angry. I feel smothered and silenced to the point of eruption. I am terrified.
I don’t know what the catalyst was but that day I grew braver in my art. I found an image of a man holding a sign saying, “What am I hiding?” in a magazine. It grabbed my attention and soon I uncovered a blonde girl whose body fit with his sign after I cropped it out. I glued without thinking, letting my heart guide me.
My collage needed something more, but before abandoning it for more materials I turned my piece upside-down on the carpet so no one in my family would see it. Then I flew upstairs, typed out a few phrases that came to mind and printed them out in different fonts. I grabbed a bottle of red acrylic paint and a paintbrush and ran back downstairs.
As the red paint dried I felt that the girl wasn’t as silenced as I felt. I snuck into my dad’s workshop and grabbed his duct tape. A final X over her mouth did the trick. Lastly I added my fingerprints on either side of the girl’s body.
I didn’t even look at my collage for years after doing it. I just added it to my folder of collages and continued creating for no one but myself.
It wasn’t until working with mindyourmind that I showed my art to anyone. They liked my work and have some of it on their website (). I didn’t reveal this piece, however, until the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health contacted mindyourmind in seach of stories from youth growing up in Canada’s mental health system.
I forget which came first, sharing my story with CAMH or sharing my artwork, but before I knew it, Hema Zbogar, the editor of CAMH’s journal, CrossCurrents, was telling me that my art had been chosen for the cover of the upcoming issue on teens transitioning to adulthood. She worked with me on my article as well. For the first time in my life I worked with an editor! It was really awesome. And it was also my first time getting paid for my art and writing, which is a huge milestone for me.
Getting paid was more significant to me than just making money. It was indication that my story is valuable to the world. I could have spent that money on many things but I choose to spend it on something that would give me joy, the complete opposite of my pain. With that money I bought my puppy, Digby.
It’s really hard for me to give myself credit or feel proud of myself, but I’m trying hard to acknowledge this success. It is a small achievement in the grand scheme of things but it’s big in my little life. Most days I feel like I have no clue where I’m headed in life but I can look at the cover of the CrossCurrents latest issue and feel like I’m making a difference. That’s the direction that I want to go.
Surviving the Holidays
22 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: change, coping, goals, school, stress
When I was a teenager I wasn’t always super excited about the holidays. I really looked forward to sleeping in and not having to go to school, but the multiple family gatherings and lack of a schedule made me nervous. Here are some tips on what I’ve found to be helpful during the holidays!
- Sleep in, but set your clock. Sleeping in is awesome but even on the days I do plan on sleeping in I set my alarm clock for like 11am. That way I can sort of plan my day in my head and not wake up later than I wanted to. Sometimes when I don’t set my clock I wake up at like 1pm and kick myself because I wanted to have more time to do stuff in the afternoon. Even a more relaxed schedule than usual is enough of a break as opposed to throwing schedules out the window. You’ll thank yourself when your holidays are over and you realize you got some of the things done that you’d hoped to.
- Learn a new skill. Two Christmases ago my mom taught my how to knit and I loved it not only because I could make practical things like scarves and whatnot but because I had something to do when family gatherings dragged on or I was bored while watching the obligatory Christmas movies. As long as you stay involved with the people around you there is no rule saying you can’t multitask! Keeping my hands busy is a huge way for me to de-stress.
- Go for a walk. This is a great way to get out of the house and have a breather during family events. Walking the dog is a great excuse! The streets are quieter and the snow and colourful lights are a treat to witness. I always feel like I’m in a Christmas movie when I walk past houses and can see people around their tree indoors.
- Celebrate the year in unique ways. For about three years now I’ve kept a notebook where I document each year as it winds up. I try to remember all the books that I read that year and glue in any movie ticket stubs I have lying around. I take screenshots of my favourite iTunes playlists and print them out. I glue them in my book so that when I’m older I can remember what I liked listening to in 2011. It’s neat because when you listen to music it can sometimes transport you back in time to when you first discovered it and this way you’ll know exactly what year your memories are from. These lists and collections can also be done as the year goes on – start new lists for 2012! Buy a notebook somewhere and start setting it up now. Listography.com is also a great site for keeping lists and recordings and even sharing them with others.
- Be gentle with yourself when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. It’s great to set goals for the upcoming year but don’t try to do too much all at once or you’ll set yourself up for failure. Aiming to eat healthier is a great idea but don’t promise yourself to do it ALL the time because just one small setback can make you discouraged enough to give up on your goal entirely. Break your goals into smaller more attainable pieces. For example, aim to choose fruit or vegetables over other snack foods three days a week. If you already do that, you can set the bar higher but be realistic with what’s achievable. Make sure to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished and give yourself a reward for meeting your goals, too.
So those are some tips on what help me get through the holidays. What do you plan on doing this year?
*this post was originally written for in 2010! I think it still applies. :)
Breaking the Silence is Only the Beginning
02 Oct 2011 8 Comments
in The Big Picture Tags: change, friendship, goals, postsecret, self harm, silence, stigma, suicide, tips
The recent movements in mental health awareness are hugely important. Stigma is slowly being dissipated because people are talking. It’s wonderful and the first step in the right direction. So why did I just turn off The National’s latest piece on teen mental health with anger surging in my veins?
I am angry because there is so much more to be done, and while I do recognize that it takes time for things to happen, teens who are depressed and suicidal do not have any time to spare. Now that their peers know a little about mental health and suicide, they need to know that midnight is striking. It’s time for the carriage to turn back into a pumpkin and for people to wake up to the fact that simply mentioning mental illness does not help the mentally ill as much as one would hope.
Reaching out for help is crucially important in getting well again but reaching out does not equal getting well. I am tired of the media constantly talking about teens who showed no outward signs of anything being wrong suddenly committing suicide and their families are left stunned. Yes, it is horribly tragic when that happens, but more often than not, teens who commit suicide have friends and family that know about their condition and are trying to help.
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Fight for Your Life
22 Jul 2011 7 Comments
in The Big Picture Tags: coping, depression, goals, life, suicide
What does the word “life” mean?
It’s what you’re born with. You exist in it all day, every day. All year, every year. It is what you have until you are dead. It is your only true job on this planet and you are responsible for it. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it?
Especially when you have depression, life can feel like an enormous task. It is one huge commitment and none of us signed up for it, really. We were just born and with that first breath we unconsciously said ‘yes’ to life.
Now, what does the phrase “fight for your life” mean?
You hear it when someone’s been in a car accident or when a doctor diagnoses someone with a terminal disease. In a fight with a lion you fight for your life. In a fight with a person you often fight for your life. But is it something we only do when we are faced with death? More
Me and mindyourmind
23 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Mental Health System Tags: employment, goals, life direction, mindyourmind
I am writing today’s post from the mindyourmind.ca office, my old workplace. I’m back as a volunteer for a few hours a week because I love the staff here and the work that mindyourmind does. We joke that mindyourmind is like the mob – once you’re in you can’t leave!
It was an extremely hard decision for me to leave mindyourmind as an employee because I truly loved my job. I left for a few reasons, one being that both living with a mental illness and working in a place that deals with mental illness was too much. Sometimes what we’d talk about at work would really trigger me but for the sake of my job I felt like I had to pretend I was fine. I know that my coworkers would truly would have understood me being triggered, but I didn’t want to be this flake at work, always having my emotions get in the way of doing my job. I’m such a perfectionist and I didn’t want to be seen as unprofessional. Plus, I had therapy appointments two (sometimes three) days a week and therapy is HARD WORK. I felt like I had two jobs I was constantly juggling, both having to do with mental health.
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