Put a STOP to it!
18 May 2012 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: anxiety, change, coping, fear, friendship, post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, stress, suicide, the life of erin, tips
(written a few nights ago)
Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. With practice you can learn to deal with anything, even the impulse to commit suicide.
Today I’m visualize inflicting violence upon myself in some drastic way, but not as a way to kill myself. I just want everything to STOP. The greater the force behind that giant STOP sign the better.
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to [jump from] tall buildings in a single bound!
Suicide and Superman have a lot in common. Maybe. I actually don’t know very much about Superman but that tag line captures my impulse towards self-harm.What if we imagined ourselves surviving superhero-style? Our impulse to inflict pain can be equally stopped with a fantasy of being faster than our impulse to die, and counteracting it with something stronger.
I feel better recognizing that I don’t actually want to die but that I want things to STOP. During my treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I remember learning that if you say, “STOP!” loudly and put your hand straight out to accompany it, it’s much easier to stop your feelings, if only for a moment.
I can handle this. So where do I need to put a few STOP signs in my life?
- I am stressing about my future, because it feels like I don’t have one.
- I am stressing about money, because it dictates my future in many ways, and I don’t have enough money to keep living like this.
- I’m stressing about relationships, because they too will make my future worth living or not worth living.
Those things are big — they are worth stressing about — but not to the point of pushing myself over the edge. And this is where things get tricky, because if I don’t think about my future then my life will continue going in a direction that I don’t want it to go. But must I have my whole life figured out right now? No, no I do not.
Here’s the spot where I can STOP my all-or-nothing thinking, but dammit, I can’t. It’s too much of a habit. Maybe I can at least try to be more aware of thinking in black and white. I can try to think about how much money I need to get through this month or this week or just this day.
What can I do today to make money tomorrow? What’s one teensy tiny thing I can do? I can work on filling my Etsy orders. That’s a start.
And relationships. Well, I feel like being a hermit but at least I have plans to meet up with an old friend on Wednesday. It’s scary but it’s one teeny tiny step.
Now I feel a little better, but not a lot. I’m still really stressed out. But now that I’m done writing this post, it’s bed time. Time to put my worries on the shelf and have some rest. Enter the land of STOP, but not permanently. My bedtime medication ensures sleep, which is nice and predictable. Yes, I’m probably going to have nightmares again tonight but hey, I might not.
And what can I do until I fall asleep? Breathe. Breathe one breath at a time.
My thoughts tonight make me feel insane, but this is how to survive that insanity. Minute by minute. Maybe tomorrow my road will have more STOP signs, more than today’s road. That’s worth looking forward to. Those maybes.
Where do you need some STOP signs in your life?
The Reality of Depression
20 Mar 2012 11 Comments
in Symptoms and Side-Effects Tags: coping, depression, fear, friendship, loss
Depression isn’t just symptoms doctors check off on your chart, like a grocery list for insanity. Doctors don’t know that your world is no longer simple, easy to define.
Depression is the feeling of lead in your veins, dread in your nerves, and sorrow in your footsteps. Your shoes feel heavy, no matter which pair you put on. Your voice becomes a whisper or a howl – sometimes both – yet its frequency seems out of everyone’s earshot. A fog settles over your vision, and you shade in the small boxes on your calendar, light grey on good days, charcoal black on the bad. You wonder why the sunlight means nothing to you now but glare as it sizzles worms on the sidewalk.
Your friends become faceless, each gesture falsified. They speak a language you can’t understand and it exhausts you to pay attention for long. You realize you are alone and that it’s always been that way, you just couldn’t see it before. You drop the strings of relationships and let your past friends float up into the sky like helium balloons. You decide you are too heavy to weigh them down anymore.
You realize how pointless everything is, everything. You sit immobilized on your bed, unable to move to even go to the bathroom. The covers over your head become your only solace.
Sometimes you catch a glimpse of your old life, your old self, like glimpsing a friend through the window of a restaurant. Was that really me? you wonder. Smiling and laughing, replying to people in conversation, visible to the world?
You realize that you have become a ghost. You raise your fingers in front of your face and find they are see-through. You step back in fear and lose your balance. You try to brace yourself against the wall, but you fall right into it, right through it. Wildly you try to grasp people’s hands, anyone’s hands, but they are all out of reach. People walk through you, over you, and you keep falling without noticing a thing. You fall and fall and fall. The pit is deep, no, it’s endless. You scream but you find that you have no voice left.
*
Things can get better. Now I live no longer like a ghost and I have people who do see my pain. I still feel disconnected from them, at times, and I can feel insubstantial but I can now place my feet on the ground. It’s a battle to maintain my balance, but it gets easier with practice.
You can get used to anything, including living with depression, if you have to. I am on medication that works, have a great support system through my doctor and therapist, and have a family that really cares, but I am still depressed. Things are still really hard at times but I’m getting the hang of it. One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time. There is so much that is still broken but I believe it can heal, no matter how long it takes.
And it really helps me to know that I’m not alone. I’m not the only person to have ever felt this way. Maybe if I can help other people through depression I can help me too. Together we are strong.
Meeting George Stroumboulopoulos: Part Two
16 Jan 2012 18 Comments
in Local Events Tags: celebrities, doing it anyway, fear, George Stroumboulopoulos, growth, mindyourmind, risk, the life of erin
In case you missed Meeting George Stroumboulopoulos: Part One, I was invited along to the mindyourmind interview with the Canadian radio/tv star George Stroumboulopoulos on Friday, but I almost didn’t go. I was having a bad day and felt like staying at home and hiding from the world. Instead, I just made myself go because you can’t have great experiences if you don’t leave the house. Little did I know that meeting George would exceed my expectations and be just what I needed after all.
So, around 5:00, Diana (mindyourmind staff), Oline (volunteer) and I (volunteer) piled into Diana’s car and drove to Fanshawe College to interview George at 6:00. Around 6:20 one of the set-up crew members told us we’d probably only have five minutes with George because they had to do a sound check. That was disappointing to hear and so we quickly moved the film equipment to a nearby classroom that happened to be unlocked. At least that way, even a short interview would have fewer distractions and noise in the background. I realized I left my cellphone in my coat pocket on our chairs out front so I ran to get it. On the way back I could see that George had arrived and was doing a quick interview with Rogers TV. Minutes later it was our turn.
George walked into the room with such ease that I thought he was someone from the set-up crew again. I hadn’t expected him to come in solo, but there he was, shaking our hands and repeating our names once he heard them. He actually missed my name at first and so I repeated, “Erin” and thought to myself how cool it was that he actually made sure he’d gotten my name right. He said that he could chat until it was time to go on stage!
First of all he said that he was really happy to do the interview because mental illness is present in the lives of those he cares about, and from his short descriptions I knew he spoke our language. There’s a difference between those that have learned about mental illness through media and those of us who have experienced or witnessed it firsthand.
As George began to answer the interview questions my emotions changed rapidly: curiosity turned into anticipation which turned into awe. Then I was just dumbstruck because it was like he was talking to just me. Of course he was answering Oline’s questions and looking at all of us, and the camera, but his answers were so deep and all-encompassing. He wasn’t talking about mental illness, he was talking about the human condition, and what we need to do to help ourselves and help those around us. It felt like he was speaking to just me because I have been so thirsty for advice lately. Good advice, advice that acknowledges the pain in the world while holding on to hope and encouragement.
I was supposed to be tweeting on account but I couldn’t keep up with the wisdom George shared. Every single thing he said was impressive. “I’ve never seen a surfer try to control a wave,” he said when speaking about goals and the future. When he said that people can feel so ashamed of what’s happened in their lives but it isn’t their fault my eyes welled up with tears, despite my effort to hold them back. I could see that Diana was affected the same way.
It wasn’t just that George Stroumboulopoulos was a celebrity giving an exclusive interview. Here was a man who in his short 39 years of life had interviewed everyone from Margaret Atwood to Sarah Palin to Theo Fleury and had an equal amount of compassion and respect for them all. He didn’t have one bad word to say about anyone. Oh and guess who was his favourite interview of all time? KERMIT THE FROG. Beat that!
Our friend Pete from Miko Productions filmed the interview and I will post it here once it’s finished being edited. I could go on gushing and paraphrasing George’s wisdom but I really want to you to experience it direct from the source. I guarantee you’re going to be as blown away as I am.
When the interview was over we took a picture for the mindyourmind wall of fame and I gave George a button I’d made with my business card. He was so enthused about the pin (it said “Just Follow the Music”) that he asked me to pin it on his collar so he could wear it on stage. Diana gave him her business card and he said that he wants to do everything he can to support mindyourmind because we are doing such important work.
The interview he gave onstage to the crowd of 200-odd people was great but it didn’t move me the way that the first interview had, possibly because I am not familiar with the radio/broadcasting world. He answered questions from the audience after that, giving advice and the odd hug to those who asked.
In the end I didn’t tell George the story that I’d planned on sharing. After all, I didn’t expect him to be that compassionate and encouraging; I had that story up my sleeve only to break the ice.
So what was the story? When I was seventeen I took a trip to Toronto with my friend Shawna. After paying for something at Urban Outfitters, I turned around to see George Stroumboulopoulos in line behind me. I stared, dumbstruck, as I tried to figure out where I recognized him from. It plagued me for the rest of the day. Eventually I just assumed that I knew him from the hospital, because anyone I knew that was older than me was from the hospital. I’d spent weeks on the psych ward and all the faces blurred together. So I went on thinking he was a mental patient like me until I saw him on MuchMusic as a VJ.
Shawna and I laughed about that story for a while and I’d vowed to tell George that story if I ever ran into him. As his career morphed into bigger and better things, like hosting his own talk show, I learned that he truly appreciated a great story. But when I finally did get to meet him on Friday, his understanding towards all walks of life made me understand that I don’t have to poke fun at myself to make my story count. I can’t say for sure but I doubt he’d be embarrassed if I told him I once mistook him for a mental patient like me. Maybe in response he would have just said, “Cool.” Or else, “I’m so glad that we’re both doing better.”
*
Watch to know the second I post the interview video with George, or subscribe to my blog in the sidebar if you haven’t already!
Meeting George Stroumboulopoulos: Part One
15 Jan 2012 7 Comments
in Local Events Tags: celebrities, doing it anyway, fear, George Stroumboulopoulos, growth, mindyourmind, risk, the life of erin
This time Friday morning I was bawling. I’d decided to try writing morning pages, after picking up Julia Cameron’s legendary book, . In short, free writing three pages every morning is supposed to clear your mind of your self-criticism and open your mind to its creative channels. So I did that yesterday, and somehow all the positive feelings I’d experienced the day before – my birthday – melted away and I found myself crying, wondering why I always seem to end up feeling like life is trying to keep me cold and alone, punished for my pain.
Fortunately, I had an appointment with my therapist at 1pm yesterday but even after talking to her for over an hour I still felt terrible. I actually felt worse than I had before I went. I was so anxious on my walk home that I took one of my ‘emergency’ prn-medication pills to calm myself down. (As a side note, my psychiatrist would be happy to hear that I actually took that medication because I tend to avoid using it. It makes me sleepy and slow-witted)
Back at my apartment, I laid on the couch and decided to text my friends at mindyourmind to tell them that I couldn’t attend that night’s interview with George Stroumboulopoulos. I felt too broken, too fucked-up and too tired to pretend that everything was okay. Before I could message them, however, I remembered how excited I was the night before when I learned that I could tag along to the interview. I’d jumped around the apartment, scaring the crap out of my dog, doing this giddy little dance.
Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t swoon over celebrities and I refuse to follow tabloids or watch reality tv. The only famous person I’ve ever been super excited to meet was Joyce Carol Oates. But George Stroumboulopoulos is someone I have a huge amount of respect for. He’s a Canadian icon (and self-confessed boyfriend to all his fans) who interviews celebrities, politicians, writers, and newsmakers, by being a great listener and asking the questions that need to be asked.
So, right before I canceled my plans to stay home and cry, I thought to myself, JUST FUCKING GO. Yes, I still felt a bit loopy from my medication, yes I’d been crying all day, and yes, it was way too cold out, but I had nothing to lose. I wasn’t even going to be part of the interview, I was just going to watch. What’s the worst that could happen? I knew it was the chance of a lifetime, and I did have a story I wanted to tell George. With enough makeup I hid my puffy eyes and made my way out of the house in time to catch the latest bus to take me to mindyourmind.
Getting out of my apartment and having a place to be by a certain time got me out of my funk. By the time I arrived at the mindyourmind office to grab a ride to the night’s venue, Fanshawe College, my sadness was starting to melt. Then I got a lovely surprise when Heather at mindyourmind introduced me to Deana, a street team volunteer that is a fan of my blog. She wanted to meet me when she heard I’d be coming in! My first fan I got to meet in real life! That alone totally made my day.
I met up with the two other women doing the interview with me, Diana and Oline. We piled into Diana’s car and headed to meet up with George.
- TO BE CONTINUED!
Remembering the Montreal Massacre
06 Dec 2011 7 Comments
in Hindsight Tags: abuse, change, fear, PTSD, school, suicide, violence against women
Today is the twenty-second anniversary of the Montréal Massacre, during which a twenty-five-year-old male, Marc Lépine entered the École Polytechnique and after separating the men and women, opened fire on the women. He shot twenty-seven people, killing fourteen women total.
My family lived in Montréal the year before the massacre, but moved here to London, Ontario in 1989. Since I was only four at the time I don’t remember hearing about the tragedy when it occurred but certainly learned about it as I grew up.
The usual knot in the pit of my stomach is tighter today but I can’t name the feeling. Fear? Anger? Disgust? All of the above.
The Wikipedia article touches on the fact that a psychiatrist visited the shooter’s family, trying to make sense of why Marc Lépine committed such a heinous crime. Other psychiatrists analyzed his suicide note and researched Lépine’s childhood abuse, questioning whether he had a personality disorder or was experiencing psychosis that caused him to turn violent.
I feel angry when mental illness is a topic of conversation around murder. Yes, there is always the possibility that mental illness plays a role in murder (as in the recent Greyhound murder of Tim McLean) but the truth is that nine times out of ten, people want to explain the inexplicable by calling the murderer “crazy.” It’s safer to think that someone out of their mind would do such outrageous things, not just a regular person. Not your neighbour down the street, not someone that goes through the Tim Horton’s drive thru every morning. But up until December 6th, 1989, Marc Lépine was just like anybody else.
We Aren’t Broken
06 Nov 2011 6 Comments
in The Big Picture Tags: coping, depression, fear, hospital, psychiatry, therapy, tips, writing
We can FEEL broken, flawed, or even crazy but it does not mean that we ARE those things.
For a while there I felt like the diagnosis of being mentally ill meant that there was something wrong with ME. I thought that I’d screwed up and failed at life. In reality, there was something wrong with the chemical balances in my brain. There was something wrong with my coping methods to deal with stress. There was nothing wrong with me as a person.
It’s super important to get help when you are depressed or are having trouble functioning in everyday life. You might see a counselor or a therapist or a psychiatrist, and they are trained to help you in the ways that they know how. Trust them, work with them. But guess what? You still have a hand in your recovery.
I’m going to let you in on a secret: YOU are the expert on yourself and your life. So even though people helping you with your illness are great, they can’t help you 100% because they don’t know you 100%. You are the only person who does.
This means two things. The first one is that everything your doctor or therapist or even your friend recommends for you to do to help yourself has to feel right for you. If it doesn’t, tell them. Ask for clarification about why they think it would help and if you still don’t agree, then say no. There will be times when your treatment team can still do things even when you say no, like if they think you are going to harm yourself or someone else, but most of the time they have to listen to you.
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More Questions Than Answers
06 Sep 2011 4 Comments
in Hindsight Tags: anxiety, fear, growth, writing
Last night I dreamed that captors were going to cut out my tongue and sew my lips shut. I covered my mouth with my hands but then worried about the fate of my fingers, as if by showing them my captors would remember my ability to write and thwart that too. I woke up exhausted but frantically fought against tumbling back into my nightmare.
I decided that writing would be the best antidote to the fear and panic delivered to me in my dreams but find myself equally paralyzed. Or rather, I am writing but feel overexposed and unsure of my footing. Do you ever suddenly question what you know you can do? I know I can write and use my voice and deep down I know there are things that I do want to tell you, but then something in my life messes that up. Something scares me or makes me hold back and then I get bitter when other people are reaching their dreams but I am not.
Have you ever been threatened not to tell something? I have. That threat shapes your days and your nights and makes you feel as if someone has cut off your tongue. But your heart screams that it is your story to tell. It happened to you and it’s real. That threat makes me feel like my urge to write is a curse, but I will not give in. Not yet.
As you can see, my life is composed of more questions than answers. Life will answer them for me in time.
Tangible Tv Land
19 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: fear, Law and Order: SVU, movies, PTSD, television
“You told me about the movie Outbreak when we were about eleven years old and the concept scared the shit out of me. Fifteen years later, I’m finally watching it…and it’s scaring the shit out of me!” I texted my cousin Sunday night.
“Hahaha, That’s amazing that you remember that! I can’t even remember what the movie is about :)”
“A deadly virus spread by a monkey. It has Dustin Hoffman and Kevin Spacey in it. The circa 1995 laptops in the movie scare me the most, though!”
When Cuba Gooding Junior’s character first sees a victim of the deadly virus, he throws up within his airtight antiseptic suit. It was at that moment I asked myself whether it was a good idea for me to be watching such a dark movie. After all, don’t I have a pretty cynical view of the world, one that I’m trying to change? And sure, with my social anxiety, mass amounts of people stress me out, but that doesn’t mean I want mass amounts of people to die to ease my anxiety. And who wants to think about puking in a space suit? Yuck! I did watch the whole movie, though.
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