Put a STOP to it!
18 May 2012 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: anxiety, change, coping, fear, friendship, post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, stress, suicide, the life of erin, tips
(written a few nights ago)
Listen to your feelings. They are telling you something. With practice you can learn to deal with anything, even the impulse to commit suicide.
Today I’m visualize inflicting violence upon myself in some drastic way, but not as a way to kill myself. I just want everything to STOP. The greater the force behind that giant STOP sign the better.
Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to [jump from] tall buildings in a single bound!
Suicide and Superman have a lot in common. Maybe. I actually don’t know very much about Superman but that tag line captures my impulse towards self-harm.What if we imagined ourselves surviving superhero-style? Our impulse to inflict pain can be equally stopped with a fantasy of being faster than our impulse to die, and counteracting it with something stronger.
I feel better recognizing that I don’t actually want to die but that I want things to STOP. During my treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I remember learning that if you say, “STOP!” loudly and put your hand straight out to accompany it, it’s much easier to stop your feelings, if only for a moment.
I can handle this. So where do I need to put a few STOP signs in my life?
- I am stressing about my future, because it feels like I don’t have one.
- I am stressing about money, because it dictates my future in many ways, and I don’t have enough money to keep living like this.
- I’m stressing about relationships, because they too will make my future worth living or not worth living.
Those things are big — they are worth stressing about — but not to the point of pushing myself over the edge. And this is where things get tricky, because if I don’t think about my future then my life will continue going in a direction that I don’t want it to go. But must I have my whole life figured out right now? No, no I do not.
Here’s the spot where I can STOP my all-or-nothing thinking, but dammit, I can’t. It’s too much of a habit. Maybe I can at least try to be more aware of thinking in black and white. I can try to think about how much money I need to get through this month or this week or just this day.
What can I do today to make money tomorrow? What’s one teensy tiny thing I can do? I can work on filling my Etsy orders. That’s a start.
And relationships. Well, I feel like being a hermit but at least I have plans to meet up with an old friend on Wednesday. It’s scary but it’s one teeny tiny step.
Now I feel a little better, but not a lot. I’m still really stressed out. But now that I’m done writing this post, it’s bed time. Time to put my worries on the shelf and have some rest. Enter the land of STOP, but not permanently. My bedtime medication ensures sleep, which is nice and predictable. Yes, I’m probably going to have nightmares again tonight but hey, I might not.
And what can I do until I fall asleep? Breathe. Breathe one breath at a time.
My thoughts tonight make me feel insane, but this is how to survive that insanity. Minute by minute. Maybe tomorrow my road will have more STOP signs, more than today’s road. That’s worth looking forward to. Those maybes.
Where do you need some STOP signs in your life?
Hands Behind the Wheel
26 Mar 2012 1 Comment
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: change, depression, goals, loss, quotes, the life of erin
This weekend I worked for my dad behind a booth at a local car show. During one of my breaks I walked around the exhibits, checking out restored gems from decades ago alongside some newer cars brought in by local dealers. I slid into a , shut the door, put my hands on the wheel and felt something I rarely ever feel: desire.
New people tune in to my blog every day, so if you’re a new reader, I’ll fill you in on a few points: I love cars and love to drive, but I crashed my car last summer. Now my insurance will be too high for me to afford to drive, since I could barely afford it before the accident.
Cars symbolize freedom and control. For almost a year now I’ve had nightmares about crashing my car, the last dream being two nights ago. It’s a pretty mild recurring nightmare of mine, compared to the others, but I think it’s symbolic my whole life being out of control. Yet despite the nightmares, I still felt desire when I sat in my dream car. I was so close to being able to drive that car, yet still so far away.
Desire has one key emotion behind it: hope. I sat in that car and my heart said, “I want this.” My brain was spewing its usual chatter: “You’re broke as hell and will never be able to afford insurance again, let alone a car.” Yet my heart didn’t listen. It told me that I could have that car just like anyone else could.
Deep down I feel like I don’t deserve to have the few things I do want. After all, who would I take for a drive in a new car? I don’t have many friends, I don’t have a boyfriend, I don’t have anyone to go visit. My self talk is terrible!
I catch myself disbelieving I could even get a job, save up money, and maybe one day buy that car for myself. As if fate would put its foot down and say, NO!! ERIN CAN’T HAVE IT! SHE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!
Um, no. No one gives a shit whether or not I have that car. It’s up to me.
Lately I’ve felt stuck. Like I’m waiting for the world to notice that I’m missing and invite me back into it instead of taking responsibility for myself. Getting up, dusting myself off, and putting myself back out there. Arguably, I could say that I’m doing all right – after all, I did work all weekend and talked to hundreds of strangers. I made money, I was “out there.” Yet I always leave feeling empty. Maybe it’s my depression, maybe I’m not in my element. It could be a thousand things.
We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it’s easier. Sometimes we find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.
Cecelia Ahern, A Place Called Here
I did feel “found” a few months ago but it didn’t last. I am trying my best to hang on to that feeling but it’s hard work.
What do you do when you feel lost? How much of it is in our control? How much of it is depression? How much of it is our soul-sucking economy? How much is it isolation and deprivation?
I need a shortcut, a way out. I feel like the world must be full of opportunities or else everyone around me wouldn’t be getting by as well as they are. Maybe my antennae are broken and I just can’t feel out the good like I’m supposed to. Actually, I KNOW that’s my problem. Depression is losing touch with the good in our lives. I just feel like I’ve been working my way through it for nothing.
Sure I want a new car, but it’s more than that. I want my hands behind the wheel, I want power and control and safety. I want freedom. I want fuel to burn as I drive towards a destination that I’ve dreamed about.
The Caffeine Queen
16 Feb 2012 3 Comments
in Day-to-Day Life Tags: anxiety, caffeine, change, fight-or-flight, headache, stress
I have a love-hate thing going on with caffeine. Actually, I love caffeine but I hate the crash that inevitably comes later on after it wears off.
I’m sure you’ve experienced it, too. It’s usually sometime in the afternoon and suddenly you feel exhausted. Not necessarily sleepy, but sucked of all energy and sort of feeling like you’ve just been run over. Most people try to have a second cup of coffee by that point to keep their adrenaline going, but that only delays the inevitable crash.
When my chronic headaches first decided to stampede into my life, I cut down on caffeine to see if it would help. It did help my headaches a little but I also noticed that my energy wasn’t on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows anymore. It became dependable.
Then my stomach problems started and caffeine made them worse, too, so I cut it out almost one hundred percent. That lasted for a few years but when my stomach got better I was so happy to be able to have caffeine again that I basically bought a share in the Starbucks company.
So this morning, when I felt fairly decent, I decided to forgo my instant cappuccino mixed drink. Yes, I’m a cappuccino and latte girl, which is unfortunately more expensive than just coffee, and I am so broke that I also didn’t want to spend money at Starbucks when I was downtown today. It was smooth sailing until I had to wait for the bus in freezing drizzle for a good twenty minutes. I came home and had a nap and then I couldn’t wake back up.
So, I thought, “Fuck it, let’s have some caffeine! I’ve earned it.”
Now I feel energetic but anxious, which is what caffeine does to our bodies. The energy kick we get is from our adrenaline which is the source of our fight-or-flight response. Essentially by drinking caffeine we are keeping our bodies in constant flight-or-flight mode. And what happens after we outrun that grizzly or fly away from danger? We’re exhausted, naturally. (What, you guys don’t have feathers, too? I thought I had more birds in my audience.)
(You can read more about the stress caffeine puts on our bodies here.)
Now I drink caffeine most of the time, even though I know better. It’s comforting, it’s a ritual. It’s yummy and makes me feel a type of energy that I don’t feel otherwise. It’s warm and perks me up in the dreariest month of the year.
I recently wrote about all-or-nothing thinking and I’m wondering if there’s some grey matter between having no caffeine and therefore no energy, and having caffeine with a bi-product of anxiety. How can I recreate the yummy comfort of a warm cappuccino in the morning? How can I perk myself up?
I’m not much of a tea drinker but I should give it a better try. A friend of mine has chai tea instead of coffee and loves that as her morning ritual. I’ve heard that drinking a big glass of cold water in the morning wakes up our bodies in a similar way to coffee but is much healthier.
Do you have a caffeine alternative that you want to share with us? How did you break the habit of indulging in a Tim Hortons’ drink or swinging by Starbucks? Or if you’re from the other end of the arena, why do you love caffeine and want to stick with it? Let’s get our minds percolating!
The Carousel
18 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in The Big Picture, Uncategorized Tags: change, childhood, coping, growth, life direction
I forget if I’ve told you that I live next door to a daycare for preschool-aged children. They play in the yard between my building and theirs, and sometimes I’m lucky enough to catch some of their conversations. As I was stepping off my porch this morning I saw a girl in a pink snow suit sort of lounging by the wall. A boy ran up to her and gasped for breath. She asked in alarm, “What’s wrong?” The boy answered, “It’s just SO MUCH FUN!!!” and then broke into hysterical laughter.
I have so much I want to share with you but each topic deserves its own post. I feel a little like that boy tonight, gasping for breath and taking it all in. I wouldn’t say that I’m having a hysterical amount of fun at the moment but I’m definitely at the sidelines, taking a step off the carousel of life to get my bearings.
A new year beginning can give us that time to reflect, as can birthdays, and endings. I experienced an odd juxtaposition today as I located a brand new place in order to say good-bye to people I hold dear to my heart. I almost missed the building at first because the outside wall perfectly matched the slate January sky. And the good-byes were like most, only with an undercurrent of understanding. We aren’t always so fortunate to get to part from others on the same page.
I wish I could be more specific but it’s not for today, or perhaps any other day in the near future. I think I will be able to understand it better myself as time passes and even then it will be complex, both hurt and healing. One thing about this carousel of life is that we can never see the whole picture because it keeps moving, always.
Are you on your carousel or off? Is it time to take a break or is it time to go around for another spin? Take a moment to breathe and feel the ground beneath your feet or just keep hanging on, trusting those strong hands of yours.
Happy Birthday/Everyone Poops
11 Jan 2012 11 Comments
in Life Events Tags: birthday, celebrating, change, digby, the life of erin
I’m madly cycling away from my therapy group during the five-minute break, pushing myself down the highway in the bright sunlight. Suddenly I regret what I’m doing and decide to turn around. I bike back to the building only to find that it’s not the building I’m looking for, but someone recognizes me there anyway and tells me that my dog has run away!
I wake up soaked in sweat with my radio alarm buzzing between stations. I hit the snooze button, change into dry pajamas and turn on the kettle and the toaster, which promptly blows a fuse. I move the toaster to a different outlet and as soon as my toast pops up the smoke alarm goes off, sending Digby into hysterics, puppy-screaming and running around the apartment.
Mass chaos within five minutes of waking up and guess what?! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. I turn 27 today, an age that is officially uncool to share with the world. Sure, people older than me would laugh and tell me that I’m so young, but people younger than me would cringe a little upon hearing the number. I know I would have!
I remember reading a zine about three years ago where the zinester talked about turning 27. I automatically felt a wall come up between us, the wall of true adulthood, where things like mortgages and babies start to form on the horizon and things like university and celebrating being old enough to drink simmer down. But alas, I can barely pay my apartment rent, I haven’t had a boyfriend in years, and I haven’t been to university. I don’t drink and just three months ago someone remarked that they thought I wasn’t even old enough to drive! So life isn’t exactly how I thought it would be by the time I turned 27.
Birthdays have always made me sad and it was so embarrassing as a kid, bursting into tears when everyone sang me happy birthday. But now that I’m on my 27th birthday, I feel like it’s normal to be a little sad on your birthday. It’s like New Year’s, but much more personal. Birthdays cause us to reflect on our life, where we have been and where we are headed. They remind us of our mortality.
And as I touched on above, once we reach adulthood, no one wants to get older. Not only does it mean that we are closer to death, it also emphasizes whether we’ve accomplished “enough” by society’s standards or by our own standards, and we set our standards too high! Let’s face it, life doesn’t turn out the way that we thought it would, for anyone.
I remember being a kid and hearing my parents talk with a friend that was having a birthday. Their friend was so ashamed of her age and I remember thinking that was so stupid! I inwardly vowed to never be ashamed of my age. Everyone gets older whether they want to or not. Why fight something we can’t change?
Like I tell my puppy, . I swear to God, he tries to tell me he DOESN’T poop, like he’s this miracle puppy that’s always clean as a whistle. So he denies even having an asshole while we’re outside, and then he comes in and poops on the floor! Ridiculous! We might as well accept what we can’t change. The fact that everyone poops and everyone gets older.
I’m sure I’ll feel sad at some point today but right now I’m pretty excited. Getting older fucking RULES because each year I get to know myself better and so each year is getting easier. People talk about wanting to stay 18 forever but I was fucking miserable at 18! I much prefer 27 so far. In terms of my mental illness, I’ve had more treatment since the age of 18, so I’m finally on the right medication and my therapist really gets me. I still have really bad days but with all of this time under my belt, I know that I’m going to survive my bad days. I’ve come this far! So blowing fuses and setting off smoke alarms are nothing; BRING IT ON.
Like my dad says, getting older beats the alternative (death). And some of us have had death peering over our shoulder constantly, whispering to give up and give in and end our life. But we haven’t! We have fought against that voice and THAT is worth celebrating. Living is fucking hard, so it’s an achievement to reach a birthday! And so what if we set off the smoke detector as our birthday candles add up? It’s worth it, every piece of it is. So let’s party!
*(The squirrel pic is not by me and I forget the artist who illustrated it. Let me know if you know their name so I can credit. I added the poop myself!)
*EDIT: I believe the artist for the squirrels is Jon Klassen!
Surviving the Holidays
22 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in Survival Tags: change, coping, goals, school, stress
When I was a teenager I wasn’t always super excited about the holidays. I really looked forward to sleeping in and not having to go to school, but the multiple family gatherings and lack of a schedule made me nervous. Here are some tips on what I’ve found to be helpful during the holidays!
- Sleep in, but set your clock. Sleeping in is awesome but even on the days I do plan on sleeping in I set my alarm clock for like 11am. That way I can sort of plan my day in my head and not wake up later than I wanted to. Sometimes when I don’t set my clock I wake up at like 1pm and kick myself because I wanted to have more time to do stuff in the afternoon. Even a more relaxed schedule than usual is enough of a break as opposed to throwing schedules out the window. You’ll thank yourself when your holidays are over and you realize you got some of the things done that you’d hoped to.
- Learn a new skill. Two Christmases ago my mom taught my how to knit and I loved it not only because I could make practical things like scarves and whatnot but because I had something to do when family gatherings dragged on or I was bored while watching the obligatory Christmas movies. As long as you stay involved with the people around you there is no rule saying you can’t multitask! Keeping my hands busy is a huge way for me to de-stress.
- Go for a walk. This is a great way to get out of the house and have a breather during family events. Walking the dog is a great excuse! The streets are quieter and the snow and colourful lights are a treat to witness. I always feel like I’m in a Christmas movie when I walk past houses and can see people around their tree indoors.
- Celebrate the year in unique ways. For about three years now I’ve kept a notebook where I document each year as it winds up. I try to remember all the books that I read that year and glue in any movie ticket stubs I have lying around. I take screenshots of my favourite iTunes playlists and print them out. I glue them in my book so that when I’m older I can remember what I liked listening to in 2011. It’s neat because when you listen to music it can sometimes transport you back in time to when you first discovered it and this way you’ll know exactly what year your memories are from. These lists and collections can also be done as the year goes on – start new lists for 2012! Buy a notebook somewhere and start setting it up now. Listography.com is also a great site for keeping lists and recordings and even sharing them with others.
- Be gentle with yourself when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. It’s great to set goals for the upcoming year but don’t try to do too much all at once or you’ll set yourself up for failure. Aiming to eat healthier is a great idea but don’t promise yourself to do it ALL the time because just one small setback can make you discouraged enough to give up on your goal entirely. Break your goals into smaller more attainable pieces. For example, aim to choose fruit or vegetables over other snack foods three days a week. If you already do that, you can set the bar higher but be realistic with what’s achievable. Make sure to acknowledge what you’ve accomplished and give yourself a reward for meeting your goals, too.
So those are some tips on what help me get through the holidays. What do you plan on doing this year?
*this post was originally written for in 2010! I think it still applies. :)
The Saddest of the Sad
12 Dec 2011 15 Comments
in Survival Tags: change, hope, hospital, music, the life of erin
It hurts. It hurts a lot. Unlike physical pain, emotional pain always feels the same to me once it reaches a certain intensity. It’s the heartache that feels woven into the muscles pumping blood through my heart, both sustaining and destroying me.
I spend so much time fighting my pain every day that I get exhausted. By four o’clock today I couldn’t fight it anymore so I put on my “Saddest of the Sad” playlist. It’s my longest playlist, with ninety-seven songs. Every sad song I’ve connected with. I curled up on the couch and listened to the songs on shuffle. The Velvet Underground turned to the Smiths, on to Wilco, bands that I still listen to on a regular basis.
Then came Silverchair’s Suicidal Dream and Hurt by Nine Inch Nails (both triggering, so no links from me but look them up if you are feeling safe and want to). Throw in some Jack off Jill and it made me remember my first year in and out of the hospital, when I realized that my pain was an illness that my therapists thought they knew. And they didn’t know it, they had no idea what MY pain felt like, but those musicians understood. Our Lady Peace helped me hang on with the lyrics, ““
Still on shuffle, my iPod played Sarah McLaughlan and I remembered my pain when I thought it was only grief over deaths in my family. Sarah McLaughlan’s voice was my first comfort and I’d forgotten how soothing her voice is. made me remember how I felt after my friend Darlene committed suicide. The guilt I had, the fear and pain of being stuck in a life I didn’t want but knew I could not give up.
reminded me of bringing up Donnie Darko in a writing class I took. I tested the waters to see if there was anyone in the room like me but the only response I got was nervous laughter at the darkness of my poetry.
Third Eye Blind, Azure Ray, the Cure, Bird York, Radiohead…these bands know my pain better than I do. The songs on shuffle made me jump back and forth as far back as my first interest in music. It’s no coincidence that we turn to music as we become teenagers.
My pain feels too familiar for me to cope with sometimes but when I look back through my years of suffering I realize that although the pain hasn’t lessened very much, I have survived a lot of it. Slowly, song by song, step by step I learned how to keep going even though I had no end in sight. I really don’t know how much “better” I am but my collection of music is teaches me that I am learning more and more about myself as I continue through this fucked up life. Experience is growth, even if that growth doesn’t give you any distance from pain.
Think about how many new bands emerge each year, how many albums are released. With free music downloads widely accessible, there’s no way we have to go through our pain alone. Find a voice that connects to yours and when you lose your voice, listen to that other voice until you grow strong again. Which music helps you connect with your feelings?
Remembering the Montreal Massacre
06 Dec 2011 7 Comments
in Hindsight Tags: abuse, change, fear, PTSD, school, suicide, violence against women
Today is the twenty-second anniversary of the Montréal Massacre, during which a twenty-five-year-old male, Marc Lépine entered the École Polytechnique and after separating the men and women, opened fire on the women. He shot twenty-seven people, killing fourteen women total.
My family lived in Montréal the year before the massacre, but moved here to London, Ontario in 1989. Since I was only four at the time I don’t remember hearing about the tragedy when it occurred but certainly learned about it as I grew up.
The usual knot in the pit of my stomach is tighter today but I can’t name the feeling. Fear? Anger? Disgust? All of the above.
The Wikipedia article touches on the fact that a psychiatrist visited the shooter’s family, trying to make sense of why Marc Lépine committed such a heinous crime. Other psychiatrists analyzed his suicide note and researched Lépine’s childhood abuse, questioning whether he had a personality disorder or was experiencing psychosis that caused him to turn violent.
I feel angry when mental illness is a topic of conversation around murder. Yes, there is always the possibility that mental illness plays a role in murder (as in the recent Greyhound murder of Tim McLean) but the truth is that nine times out of ten, people want to explain the inexplicable by calling the murderer “crazy.” It’s safer to think that someone out of their mind would do such outrageous things, not just a regular person. Not your neighbour down the street, not someone that goes through the Tim Horton’s drive thru every morning. But up until December 6th, 1989, Marc Lépine was just like anybody else.
