My Favourite Mental Health Books

03 Apr 2013 1 Comment

by daisiesandbruises in Book Reviews Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

mentalhealthbooksWhy do I write when I could become a therapist and earn a steady pay cheque? Because before speaking to any therapist about anything, I go to the library. Books are my number one therapist.

I was probably the only student in the  history of A. B. Lucas Secondary School to skip class to go to the public library. Once my dad caught me downtown when I was supposed to be in class, but he didn’t worry when he saw me going into the central library downtown. If I’m not searching out free books to borrow I’m browsing titles at used book stores and visiting Chapters, spending hours among the shelves.

Yesterday I was daydreaming, staring idly at my bookshelf above my computer. I keep my favourite mental health books within arms reach at all times when blogging. Anyway, I realized that I haven’t recommended many of my favourite books to all of you yet. These books have been crucial to my survival. Go find them, buy them, sign them out, and see if they speak to your heart as they speak to mine:

Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws by Kate Bornstein
- I’ve definitely talked about this one before. I swear I talk about it every day. It is THAT amazing. A real-life guide to coping in this crazy world.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon - Another major favourite of mine. Andrew has been through the darkest of times and is one survivor I couldn’t respect more.

Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes: Awakening the Ordinary Miracle of Healing by Peter A. Levine and Maggie Kline - This book really helped me become more compassionate to the younger self in me. It explains how trauma isn’t always as dramatic as a plane crash, especially for children. Whether or not you identify as someone who deals with trauma, I still recommend this book as a window to understanding childhood.

Pain: The Fifth Vital Sign: The Science and Culture of Why We Hurt by Marni Jackson - This book is SO fascinating! I especially recommend this book if you’re dealing with chronic pain, which often accompanies depression. This book taught me so much about why we feel pain, what pain is, and our society’s treatment options when it comes to coping.

Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning - This was the first book to ever help me put words to my suffering. I swear, I’ve copied down half of this book in my journal because it’s so full of amazing quotes. It’s written by a therapist who finds herself dealing with severe depression. I must reread this soon.

Telling:  A Memoir of Rape and Recovery by Patricia Weaver Franscisco - A must-read for anyone dealing with sexual abuse. I would never have spoken up to anyone about my abuse if it weren’t for this book. READ IT!

The Obsidian Mirror: Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse by Louise M. Wisechild - This book describes the healing process through metaphor, better than any other book I’ve ever read. There are some graphic descriptions of sexual abuse, but the fierce bravery of this entire book will heal more than it triggers. I read it last year and I already want to read it again

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky - I haven’t finished this work-book yet but it’s the best one out there for cognitive behavioural therapy. I’ve heard it recommended by many many therapists. A must-read/do if you struggle with perfectionism, talking yourself out of stuff, and depression overall. Changing your thinking works helps you feel better immediately.

Those are my top book recommendations for you for now. I also recommend checking out my Books page for some great fiction titles. I can talk about books for ever and ever and ever so if you feel like recommending some titles in the comments here please do!

Unrelated: my previous post was my 150th post! Yay for milestones!

Thank You! Zine Pre-Orders Open

05 Mar 2013 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Blog Maintenance Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

zinepreorderI woke up from a nightmare this morning to feel the sun on my face. Without even opening my eyes I recognized its warmth, and with a stretch that cracked several bones in my body, I reached out my foot while opening my eyes and pulled the blind down enough with my toes so that it rolled up toward the ceiling (yeah, I’m talented). Digby and I were instantly bathed in sunlight. When I finally did get up, I stumbled to the fridge to get an apple and then went back to my patch of sunlight on the bed. I fed Digby little bites as we soaked in the sun. It felt wonderful.

It’s been a dark winter, hasn’t it? Even at -8 degrees Celcius this morning, I could feel spring reaching out to me. Daylight saving time begins on Sunday, whether or not the ice on the ground remains. We’ve almost made it!

Part of surviving depression is recognizing the good in your life. Yes, I need a vacation in the Caribbean, but I’ll take a patch of sunlight on my bed and make the most of it.

Another patch of sunlight in my life involved the responses I received from my last post. Comments from you, emails in my inbox, even AMANDA FUCKING PALMER retweeted the link to my post:

amandapalmertweet

It was a small gesture from Amanda, but it was a genuine THANK YOU kind of moment for me, where she looked me in the eyes and saw little me, who feels invisible most days. Her fans followed suit, giving daisiesandbruises.com a new record high of 541 views in a single day. My Etsy shop sales spiked, too, with some buyers even commenting saying that they’d found me through Amanda’s tweet.

If you haven’t yet, I insist you watch Amanda Palmer’s TED talk . Then come back to comment here to tell me how awesome you feel afterward!

As a gesture of thanks and of wanting to share my excitement with you, this morning I listed a Daisies and Bruises – Issue 5 pre-order in my Etsy shop. The zine isn’t even completed yet but will be by Thursday when I spend the day making copies. It is launching this Saturday, at the annual Indie Media Fair here in London, Ontario.

Pre-orders of my zine will ensure you get a copy hot off the press, plus a bunch of other little goodies in the mail that I’m throwing in out of pure excitement and gratitude.

I love all of you guys, every single one of you. Thank you for helping me feel safe enough to share my stories. You are the courage behind these little fingers typing away. THANK YOU. ♥

Construction Over Destruction!

18 Dec 2012 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in 12 Days of Christmas, Art Month Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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Negative expression is on a rampage this week in North America and while it can get overwhelming and fill us with despair, we need to fight it by sharing good things as fast as we can. No, art doesn’t express as fast and as deadly as a bullet. It’s more like a flower. It grows and encourages growth around it instead of communicating death and destruction.

At the rate that bad things are happening in the world, we need to step up. There can never be too much goodness in the world and we NEED it to help us cope with the badness.

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Drowning in Traumatic Waters

04 Dec 2012 13 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Art Month, Symptoms and Side-Effects Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I am almost drowning in traumatic memories right now. That’s why I’ve been so depressed lately. Here’s a bit of the back-story:

I was traumatized within an inch of my life as a child. I had repressed my abuse memories until I was twenty-five and then the memories started to surface in recognizable chunks. It took me two years before I had the courage to speak up. This past September I went to the police about it as a way to prevent my abuser from hurting anyone else.

Before going to the police I thought I had dealt with the bulk of my trauma-related memories and feelings but I had not. Now, I keep feeling like I am four years old again and that the world is crashing around me. I feel scared and out of control and like my life is in danger, even though it isn’t. It is hell.

I keep thinking back to my early years of swimming lessons, when I learned that if someone is drowning and you don’t have a ‘life saving device’ to throw to them, it’s better if you don’t jump in the water for them at all. In their desperation to be saved, the drowning person can pull you under, causing two deaths instead of one. I feel like if I reach out for help I am going to drown someone with me.

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Depression Cake

14 Nov 2012 15 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Symptoms and Side-Effects Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’m in a bad spot. I’m realizing that I have to start reaching out again for more help or else I’m going to be in big trouble. I’ve pulled away for a few weeks, even stopping writing here, trying to keep my pain from the spotlight.

As you know, I went out on a limb for a few weeks there, trying to let people in on how I’m doing and being open about the fact that I’m feeling super depressed. I blogged about it, I told friends, and stayed honest with my therapist. After a bit of doing that, however, I realized that no one can magically help me feel better. None of my friends are wizards or witches, unfortunately, and no, I don’t know any fairy godmothers. I started to adopt the attitude that no one can help me because they can’t undo what’s been done to me in my life. No one can turn my feelings off like a faucet. So instead of telling my friends that I need them to come over and bring all the towels that they own, I’ve almost drowned in my pain all by myself.

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My Mask Removed

22 Oct 2012 5 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Hindsight Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I haven’t been looking at the Daisies and Bruises reader statistics for a while. I’ve been feeling too rushed, too tired, and unworthy. My inner self-talk has said, “I’m so lucky to have the few readers that I have. I’d better not even look at the numbers so I don’t get depressed, because my writing isn’t good. Let’s get this pointless post over with.”

I think I’d started to believe that the  number of comments equals the number of page views, and so I felt like, “Why bother writing at all?”

So I was totally surprised to see last night that my record page count per day had a recent date. My record day has stayed the same forever up until August 17, 2012 when the view count broke the  record at 263 page views. Hmm.

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Making New Memories

10 Sep 2012 7 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in memory, Monday Theme Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My trip away to attend my cousin’s wedding and visit my longtime friend in Salem, Massachusetts was amazing. Simply amazing. So great that in coming home I felt liberated, having witnessed true happiness and seeing so many new things. The world felt fresh and I spent my plane ride home making plans on how I could change my life for the better.

After landing back in Ontario, however, my mood sunk as I readjusted to home life. I always forget how busy the city gets again come September. Especially now that students from all over are back in town for school, my whole neighbourhood is teeming with people. Not only does my anxiety rise along with the swelling streets, deep down I’m still jealous of these students who seem so happy with their lives. Everyone starting or returning to school has a plan for their life and I don’t. I have small hopes for myself but I am so bitter about mental illness weighing me down.

I suppose recognizing reaching any goals is a good start. I actually never thought I’d meet my friend in Salem; we’ve been online friends for ten years but we only just met this past week. Meeting her was so amazing yet felt so natural. Beside her I recognized that good things can happen if we try hard enough. The second I had some spending money about six months ago I thought, “Why not make this happen?”

So I found a way, even though I probably “should have” saved that money to help myself get by this winter. The money wasn’t wasted however, it was invested in the best of ways. Memories do have a way of keeping us warm, don’t they?

In keeping up with my new trend of posts on Mondays, today I’m emphasizing the importance of making new memories for yourself. Good ones! Because even though we can get weighed down by life, we can always make new things happen and use those new memories to sustain ourselves.

Today is also World Suicide Prevention Day. Why not message a friend to remind them of a great memory you two share? Or make note of your favourite memory and put it somewhere to remind you of the good next time you’re struggling. Memories are worth staying alive for, whether it’s making new ones or hanging on to old ones, or a bit of both.

Mondays: Music, Memories & Medication

27 Aug 2012 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Medication, medication, Monday Theme Tags: , , , , ,

Along with music and memories, I’ve chosen the third “M” word for Monday’s themed posts to be medication. It’s the largest reason I am still alive today, still breathing, and functioning enough to write here.

I have to spend a chunk of this week making sure I have enough medication to take with me on my upcoming travels. My psychiatrist wrote me a note this morning to explain my many bottles of pills (they all have to be in their original containers) in case they get me held up at the airport.

Medication is a huge topic which I would like to introduce merely with a quote today. It is from The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon, the very best book I’ve read on depression.

“Since I am writing a book about depression, I am often asked in social situations to describe my own experiences, and I usually end by saying that I am on medication.

“Still?” people ask. “But you seem fine!” To which I invariably reply that I seem fine because I am fine, and that I am fine in part because of medication.

“So how long do you expect to go on taking this stuff?” people ask. When I say that I will be on medication indefinitely, people who have dealt calmly and sympathetically with the news of suicide attempts, catatonia, missed years of work, significant loss of body weight, and so on stare at me with alarm.

“But it’s really bad to be on medicine that way,” they say. “Surely now you are strong enough to be able to phase out some of these drugs!” If you say to them that this is like phasing the carburetor out of your car or the buttresses out of Notre Dame, they laugh.

“So maybe you’ll stay on a really low maintenance dose?” They ask. You explain that the level of medication you take was chosen because it normalizes the systems that can go haywire, and that a low dose of medication would be like removing half of your carburetor. You add that you have experienced almost no side effects from the medication you are taking, and that there is no evidence of negative effects of long-term medication. You say that you really don’t want to get sick again. But wellness is still, in this area, associated not with achieving control of your problem, but with discontinuation of medication.

“Well, I sure hope you get off it sometime soon,” they say.

So as I travel to visit family and a best friend over the next two weeks, I will take my medications with me. I will take them everywhere with me until the day I die because they simply keep me alive. I am very grateful.

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