Fuck Perfectionism!

19 May 2013 3 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , ,

Guess what I’m doing? Posting a short post, with no photo, just because I can. I’ve had SO many ideas for blog posts in the past week  and every time I get an idea I smother it with negative self-talk and pathetic excuses:

“It’s too late at night to write a blog post.”

“I’m too tired to write eloquently.”

“I need to think about this idea more before I share it with the world.”

“Yeah, but if I write about ____ then people will judge me.”

“This topic is controversial and I don’t want to upset people.”

“I’m an idiot.”

“I’ve already posted too much lately.”

Raise your hand if you like any of those sentences for describing my blog.

No one? Yeah, that’s cause if I followed any of those lines of thinking completely, this blog wouldn’t even exist. I’m going to assume for a minute that all of you readers like reading my blog. If you don’t…er…leave or something. Come back anytime. The internet is a place for you to visit sites you’re interested in.

Having your own blog means that no one can tell you that you’re doing it wrong. I’m not going to piss off my boss and get in trouble for writing about something because I don’t have a boss. I can piss off my readers, but I’ll cross that bridge if I ever get there. There’s no point in trying to prevent it if it keeps me from writing anything at all.

I like being my own boss but working independently means that  I can get way too caught up with my own fears and insecurities. There’s no one else around to say, “Erin, get out of your own way!”

And, as much as I hate this back-and-forth arguing with myself, I think it’s important for me to document these things so you can see that I’m just a human being. I’m no prodigy genius spewing forth pure gold from my fingertips. I’m just a person fighting to make her own way in a world that likes people to be a cog in the machine of society. Independent artists don’t fit in with the machine metaphor.

I need to consciously tell myself that people want to hear from me. You, my readers, want to read what I have to say. I have a voice and I need to use it. I was born to communicate; we all are. SARK says that “expression is the opposite of depression.” I need to keep writing to keep my head above water. I need to. I will.

Remember that it’s important to write down the messages you tell yourself. It can give you some perspective. Write positive messages in your own words so that the sentence is relevant to you. I’m not positive all the time, but if I keep a record of positive thoughts then I can revisit them when I need to. I’ll be looking back at this post to keep me going.

I’ll be posting a new music post on Monday.  Keep on keepin’ on. ♥

Publisher Preparation

28 Mar 2013 6 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Daisies and Bruises Zine Tags: , , , , , , , ,

0fa273ee955911e2bfdf22000aa80117_7I’ve kept a secret from you:  a book publisher spotted me at the Indie Media Fair three weeks ago. He liked my writing and he offered me a book deal, in person that day, and then through an email from the administrative assistant:

I understand that Mr _______, the Publisher, had spoken to you last weekend in London. He was quite taken with your work, both for its simplicity and its honestly.  We would be interested in looking at your work, specifically the diaries, with a view to publish. If we were to publish we would be looking at a volume of approximately 30-40 pages, perfect bound, 7×7 inches or 8×8 inches, full colour cover. We may decide to do the whole work full colour but that has not been discussed in depth. We would hope for a Summer publication date. Our normal contract for a first time writer is between 5% and 8%. 

Wonderful, right? I was SO excited.  I’ve dreamed of being a published writer my entire life, but I never thought it could happen so soon. After talking with this publisher more and more, we worked out a possible deal for a full-colour book, with all of my art included. I literally started talking in my sleep about being a published author.

I didn’t want to tell all of you until I signed the contract, but I hinted at something I was super excited about in my post, Spring Always Comes. I emailed Cordelia Strube, this amazing author I’d met at the Kingston Writer’s Fest years ago, and asked her what to expect in a book contract. What should I sign off on, and what shouldn’t I agree to? Cordelia took the time to send me a very detailed email about what to expect, and constitutes a good publisher. I was so grateful! She has nine books published, and you should check them out when you’re done reading this post.

I even contacted Cheryl Rainfield, another awesome writer from Ontario who knows the publishing world. She gave me a few tips and some great links that told me all about signing a contract. My good friend Maranda Elizabeth helped me out too, telling me all about their experience publishing 27 issues of their zine Telegram into a full-sized book, through Mend My Dress Press.

I dug up the original copies of my Daisies and Bruises zine, issues one through five. I even ripped pages out of my art journal so the publishers had my original art pieces to see in our meeting. I borrowed my sister’s giant art portfolio and picked out my most professional-looking clothing.

The day before my big trip to Toronto, I emailed the publisher, asking for a copy of the contract to look over. When I received an email back saying they didn’t have a standard contract to send me, I asked if the contract was negotiable. Taking cues from my correspondence with my author friends, I added that I hoped for an advance and I would appreciate receiving 8% from each book sold.

After all, I’ve been making money selling my zines for years now, never sharing the profit with anyone. I felt confident that my writing was worth it. Plus I’m way more confident in writing than I am in person, so I slipped in my request early so that they had time to discuss my writing’s worth.

The publisher emailed me back that night, stating that they never give first time authors an advance. They said if I was looking for an advance I should go elsewhere. Was I still interested in meeting with them? I answered, yes, of course! I said that everything I’d requested was negotiable, and was looking forward to meeting them the next day.

The night before my meeting in Toronto, I recognized a nagging feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right. I told myself that I still had to go to the meeting. After all, I’m a new writer – what do I know? I talked it over with my parents and they said that I shouldn’t worry. This publishing house stood behind some big names here in London, so everything could still turn out great.

Check in with Daisies and Bruises tomorrow to get the full details of my meeting with the publishing company. Here’s a hint: there’s a happy ending involved, but it’s not what you might think.

So It Goes

22 Dec 2012 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in 12 Days of Christmas, Art Month Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

nocoincidenceLast night I sat down to write post four of The Twelve Days of Christmas to discover that it was 1am. DAMMIT. Only four days into the Twelve Days of Christmas I broke my promise of a daily post because I was at a Christmas party and lost track of time. Kicking myself for failing as a writer, friend, advisor, and human being, I stood and entered my living room to find a shredded ten-dollar bill on the floor.

Digby looked guilty but only in a, “Well you weren’t paying attention to me, you asshole” kind of way so my anger subsided. It’s not like he knew that piece of paper had a ten-dollar value. Or did he? In the background of this little scene lay his new winter coat.

Just two hours before I had given “But my dog needs clothes” spiel to friends. “Boston terriers and pugs can’t regulate their body temperature in extreme weather due to their brachycephalic noses!” I don’t know if it’s because I find it hard to pronounce “brachycephalic” but no one ever buys my story.

I swear to God the pug breeder I talked to said that pugs have to wear coats. That said, two of my neighbours have pugs who seem to handle the winter just fine by being naked outdoors. And they aren’t even embarrassed!

Anyway, the best thing about feeling desperate so often is that the little things can become much funnier than they would otherwise. I mean, I really needed those ten dollars because I am flat broke. But did I need them in the way that Digby needs a winter coat? Who is to say what money can buy in terms of quality of life, even in the Christmas season when I’m making more gifts than I want to yet again. I have a roof over my head and a dog in a silly jacket to make me laugh.

So it goes. Life is fucked, one hundred percent. Children being murdered during the holiday season, and I want to cry every day. I can’t be perfect, no one is. So I’m going to screw up in being the perfect blogger and Digby is never going to be the model of dog behaviour.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, whom I’m leaning on quite a lot these days, “So it goes.”

“The repeated refrain from Vonnegut’s classic Slaughterhouse-Five isn’t notable for its unique wording so much as for how much emotion—and dismissal of emotion—it packs into three simple, world-weary words that simultaneously accept and dismiss everything. There’s a reason this quote graced practically every elegy written for Vonnegut over the past two weeks (yes, including ours): It neatly encompasses a whole way of life. More crudely put: “Shit happens, and it’s awful, but it’s also okay. We deal with it because we have to.” – A.V. Club

I even embroidered those words on my journal for art month. So it goes.

SoItGoes

Thank you Kurt, Digby, and my friends who humour my outrageous pet owner antics. Thank you readers. We’ll keep going, because we have to. Thank goodness life can make us laugh once in a while.

P.S. Digby also crashed a nativity scene recently. It totally made my week.

Ghost World

24 Sep 2012 5 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in memory, Monday Theme Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I remember being at a party in Grade Eight and sneaking outside to be alone. I sat on the swing-set in the dark and composed a story of a girl who felt so invisible that she died. The girl, as a ghost, found that she couldn’t go to Heaven until she learned to make friends, friends she could trust enough to reveal her ghost self. Then both as a punishment and a reward she would have to say good-bye to those friends and go to Heaven.

What did that story mean? It was both a metaphor for my feelings and a wish to be accepted. I knew that having real friends who I could be honest with would be heavenly, yet I still feared that friendships like that might come at a cost.

And now, thirteen years later, I still feel like a ghost. I feel separated from the world by my depression, but I also keep the world at arm’s length largely by choice. I work from home because it feels too much for me to go into a workplace for set hours every day. I don’t date because that too is far, far outside of my comfort zone. Am I being realistic about what I can handle considering my mental health, or am I keeping myself at the sidelines of life? I guess it’s a bit of both.

Real relationships would help me feel fully human and less like a ghost, but the only relationship I’ve been able to dedicate myself to is that with my therapist. That sounds extremely depressing but at least I have that relationship with her. If I can trust one person than maybe I can trust two and then three and then four, if I’m lucky.

When I say trust, I mean trust with the full reality of my life and my history. Almost all of my friends know that I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but very few people know what my biggest traumas actually are. I’m scared to burden them with my dark history. I wish I didn’t have the history that I do, so why inflict those images on other people?

Yet, I know that if one of my friends came to me when they were upset, I would want them to feel like they could tell me everything. I know I could handle it because I love them and together we’d make it through. So shouldn’t I be able to reverse that and trust that my friends would do the same for me? It’s so hard to trust that it would work; it feels so much safer to be alone. Old habits die hard.

I did manage to take a baby step in that direction a week ago, however. I’d been bawling my eyes out, partly because I didn’t feel brave enough to call even a crisis line for help. I wasn’t in danger of hurting myself but I did need support. I started catastrophizing, thinking that this fall is going to be a very hard time for me, and how on Earth am I gonna get through it without reaching out for help?

Just as I hit the height of my hysteria, I heard a knock on the door. Since the downstairs buzzer wasn’t pressed I knew it was one of my neighbours from my building, all of whom I really like and consider to be my friends. If I was looking for a sign that I have people around me who care, that knock was it. So instead of hiding like I normally would I wiped my eyes and timidly opened the door.

It was more than obvious that I’d been crying and I could see that fact register on my friend’s face as she spoke. “Are you okay?” I assured her that I was fine, repeating it over and over. I smiled and changed the subject and found that pretending to be okay actually helped me feel a little better.

My friend knew I wasn’t miraculously okay just because I was pretending to be but she took care of me in her own way. After inviting me into her apartment she lent me some movies and gave me some baking.

Later when I returned to my apartment I felt like that experiment had gone all right. I wasn’t able to be honest with my friend about my feelings, but I didn’t shy away from her care. I did feel a lot better after just being with her for that short amount of time.

Maybe opening up to someone can be a gradual thing, like getting in a swimming pool in the shallow end and then making your way into the deep end when you’re ready. You don’t have to jump right in.

So I’m working on feeling a little less like a ghost. Maybe you can work alongside me. Worst case scenario, we’ll have our Halloween costumes figured out. A whole bunch of ghosts hanging out together might feel a little less scary than being on our own. What do you think?

Just Breathe

06 Aug 2012 2 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When I’m stressed out — which is pretty much always — I can get into a place emotionally that prevents me from breathing deeply. I physically can’t fill my lungs up with air. It’s gotten to the point where if I’m in a group that is practicing deep breathing (many trauma-centered groups do this) I simply stare at the ground and wait for everyone to be finished because I can’t join in. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t work.

Thank God I came across self-hypnosis. You might remember me blogging about it before; it was my miracle cure to easing my stomach pain that had prevented me from eating anything but the blandest food for years. The book Self-Hypnosis: The Complete Manual for Health and Self-Change helped me record my own tape by reading aloud some of their techniques.

Yesterday I woke up with more stomach pain than usual, and since my puppy was still asleep, I decided it was a good time to do some self-hypnosis. I grabbed my iPod and went back to bed, listening to my own voice. Once I was finished the twenty-minute session, my body was much more relaxed. I could breathe deeply again! Once I can breathe deeply, everything else in my body follows suit and relaxes. Yesterday’s session worked so well that I can still breathe deeply today.  I have to focus to do it but I can do it. And now that I can breathe deeply, I understand why it’s so important. I feel much more grounded and calm. I feel more in control of everything.

The trick for me now is to stay in tune with my body so that I can recognize when it becomes hard for me to breathe again. It could be later today or tomorrow or even in a few days if I’m lucky. It can become extra complicated, though, if I get too stressed out. If I’m in a panic, it simply doesn’t feel safe to let my guard down enough to do self-hypnosis. I refuse to even close my eyes for that long in case I am attacked.

So, even though I’ve found a way to deal with my breathing difficulties, it’s still a battle. I really need to make it a priority to do self-hypnosis frequently so I stay practiced in relaxing my body.

If you’re curious about self-hypnosis, I really recommend Self-Hypnosis: The Complete Manual for Health and Self-Change by Dr. Brian M. Alman and Dr. Peter Lambrou. I bought the book off Amazon (here) and like I said before, it changed my life. Once you can relax your body and your mind, your subconscious is much more open to suggestion, so it can be a shortcut to helping things like low self-esteem or quitting smoking.

Contrary to popular belief, you are still in control of yourself when you are hypnotized. Look at it as a way to speak to your inner self without your negative self-talk interrupting. Our minds are POWERFUL tools, and hypnosis helps us use those tools to get better.

8 Steps to Being More Social

11 Jul 2012 4 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Relationships Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Just because I get anxious around people it doesn’t mean that I can magically get by without connecting with others, though I often wish I could. Human beings are social animals, and although I feel like a freak a lot, I think I am human. I think you  might be too!

I’ve been way more social than usual lately and it feels good. My psychiatrist always asks what social things I’ve been up to and it’s kind of annoying, but now I see why he focuses on it. Being around other people helps me get out of my head and feel engaged with life. Time goes by faster around others and making plans gives me more to look forward to.

I doubt this social period in my life will last, but maybe if I’m super smart about it I can give myself some sort of recipe to look back on the next time I’m feeling isolated. So Like most of my blog writing, this post is for me as much as it is for you.

8 STEPS TO BEING MORE SOCIAL

1. Make the First Move

I complained to my sister the other day that getting together with friends can be like pulling teeth. She said that maybe each one of us is waiting for the other person to make the first move, pick up the phone, or set a date to do something. Don’t assume that people don’t want to see you just because they don’t call you. Do assume that people want to hear from you because they do! Everyone wants to be invited to do stuff.  If picking up the phone feels too scary, read on until you get to Step 5!

2. Schedule Things in a Row

This new social period started for me a few weeks ago when my sister moved in with me before getting her own place. After having someone with me for even three days, I started to get used to not being alone all the time. Suddenly it was easy to hang out with someone without all the fuss of calling and planning and traveling to see each other. So ask a friend to stay over for a few nights or try to plan a few outings in a row so that being social becomes routine.

3. Set a Weekly Date

It’s often hard to schedule get-togethers with people last-minute, so making a weekly activity can ensure social time ahead of time. I’ve been crafting with a few friends every week now, and since we’re all creative but get stuck when it comes to motivation, we’re killing two birds with one stone. Make a date to look forward to and knock something off your productivity list at the same time. Then even when people are super busy, they’ll keep this date standing because it helps them get stuff done.  Or do the opposite and set a date to do anything but work! Start a season of a favourite show on DVD and watch it together weekly until it ends. Enrolling in a new weekly class or group has the same benefit.

4. Go Where People Are

Going to populated places to feel less lonely has been one of my tricks for years. I usually go to Starbucks and get my own table, so I have my own safe space. I bring my journal for something to do and I sip coffee and revel in an independent activity while surrounded by noise and busy lives.  I’ve even done it at the mall – and I HATE the mall – sitting in the far corner of the food court. Doing safe-feeling activities while stepping out of your comfort zone is a sneaky way to being closer to the world. Plus I read this neat article about a week ago that made me even more sure of my coffee-shop habits: Why Crowded Coffee Shops Fire Up Your Creativity.

5.  Keep the Conversation Going

With Twitter, Facebook, and just plain texting, we all seem to be plugged in all the time. So use it as another way to go where people are in the virtual world. Write on people’s walls, tweet hello, or text just to see what’s up. Even when I’m in hermit mode and never want to leave my apartment again, I can still communicate with friends without changing out of my pajamas. Playing games against friends on your phone or computer makes you feel like you’re hanging out, even when you’re both busy doing something else. There is nothing too small when it comes to staying in contact. Real life face time is the best, but when that’s not possible, stay connected.

6. Stay Informed

I try to read the newspaper daily and listen to the radio to stay connected to those around me. Even just reading latest issues of magazines at the book store keeps me up to date. Then when you talk to people, you have something current to discuss. Watching TV works, as does reading blogs online. Fresh information in any form gives you fresh things to talk about, even if you don’t have many exciting things happening in your life.

7. Be Friendly

It wasn’t until I started doing craft shows that I realized how bored people can get being at a counter or store all day. So now when I go to coffee shops or grocery stores I try to talk to the cashier. These days, a lot of companies teach their employees how to be friendlier, so it’s part of their job to smile and be nice. Use it! Smile, say thank you, and if the cashier tells you to have a nice day, be sure to say “You too!” The more people you talk to, the more you want to talk to people. If you get nervous, just ask questions about the other person. People love to talk about themselves.

8 . Say Yes!

Almost every single time I’m invited to do something with a friend I feel really hesitant to commit. But once I do go out, I am always glad that I did. Have you seen that movie Yes Man? I’m not a Jim Carrey fan but I own that movie to keep me motivated. The main character goes to a presentation on the power of saying Yes and then when he starts saying Yes to things in life instead of No, he starts meeting people, staying busy, and living his life. He becomes happy. In short, it changes things.

If this list seems overwhelming, break it up into smaller pieces. Make a goal to talk to one person today while you’re out doing errands. Try to write on one friend’s Facebook wall, maybe someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Even taking a walk down a street you don’t visit often will expose you to new faces. Give it a try!

Scream It Out

31 May 2012 16 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Survival Tags: , , , , , ,

I wish it weren’t so socially unacceptable to scream. I mean, that’s kind of the point behind screaming – a scream stands out and therefore is a great defense mechanism in emergencies – but we don’t scream enough. We often feel like screaming but instead we swear or yell at someone else, or we bury it deep inside until our pain rears its head in some other form.

Sometimes it feels like my voice is trapped inside me and it’s a wonder I can make any sound at all. It takes bravery to speak. I’d love to be able to scream into a pillow like some people do but I’m never brave enough to even try that. I know it would do me good, but I also think hearing my own scream would be as therapeutic as the act of screaming.

Or would it scare me?

It would scare other people. They would probably overlook my invisible illness and berate me for scaring them.

Maybe if we feel like screaming but don’t feel safe enough to we can scream in other ways. Express ourselves in any healthy way we can, whether it’s some sort of art or just going for a run, getting our adrenaline flowing to remind us we’re alive.

Here’s another option:

Next time someone asks you how you are, if it applies to you, bravely state, “I feel like screaming today.”

See where it takes you. Sometimes honesty is the best way to get your truth out, but metaphor can feel safer.

I definitely feel like screaming these days.

Surviving My Invisible Illness

24 May 2012 15 Comments

by daisiesandbruises in Day-to-Day Life Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

A lot of people use their blog as a place to vent about their life.  I try not to use this blog like that because I want to spread knowledge, share tools, and give people hope. I don’t feel able to do that right now, though, so here’s a bit about what’s going on for me in a less-than-uplifting sense:

I’m aware that I’m in a bad spot. In light of everything I’ve experienced, this is minor, but I should stay in tune with my feelings so that I can take care of myself. And my biggest feeling tonight is fatigue. Depression is so hard. It’s always present, sucking at my energy, draining my positivity. Murmuring in my head about how the bus just blew past my stop today only because I am insignificant.

Lately I’ve been spending only a few hours a day with others. More social interaction would probably help me feel better and so I try more and more to be social. But then when someone says no to my invitation, it kind of wipes me out. It’s like, “Okay, there goes my shot for today” because it takes so much out of me. Same for shopping, going to therapy, hell, even going out and ordering a coffee. Functioning is so much work!

And then it pretty much goes without saying that it makes applying for a job extra hard, yet having a job would lead to consistent daily social interaction, and more friends, so I really want one. I just can’t predict how I’ll be feeling from one moment to the next.

Then I judge myself for not trying harder to be “normal” and “productive” and “sane.” I fear that the world sees me as self-indulgent, irresponsible, and most of all, lazy. I see myself that way, though I need to take full scope of what’s going on: depression, therapy, and post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms that are keeping me from being at a place where I can work.

I catch myself being envious of those with a visible disease or injury. I obviously don’t want to be sick or injured at all, but if I had a broken leg, I wouldn’t be berating myself for not taking dance classes, and neither would the rest of the world. People wouldn’t be able to look at me and forget that I have a broken leg the way that the world can look at me and forget I have depression. I’m the most skilled person in the world when it comes to putting on a mask of happiness and it can make people think that I’m doing well when I am not.

Yet sometimes I’m even too tired for that anymore. It actually has taken a long time to learn that I don’t need to smile all the time, that I can be real about how I’m feeling.

Oh, but about three weeks ago I got off the bus downtown and some stranger said to me, “SMILE!” and I gave him this ICY look right back. If he’d said something like, “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” it would have made me smile, but instead he chose to stick his nose where it didn’t belong. He berated me for not pleasing him by wearing a mask. It made me so angry!

So that’s it for now. Being real about my emotions here is validating. I feel a bit better now.

P.S. Maybe there are some positive things in this post for you to take away:

1. Staying in tune with your feelings can help you take care of yourself

2. When you’re being hard on yourself, make sure you take everything into account, especially your mental illness(es) if you have them

3. Practice taking off your mask and let your face show your true emotions once in a while. It feels really good, even if others don’t get it!

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