My Story
I think I was born hating myself. I’ve always felt like my heart is too big and that I feel far too much. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve felt depressed but until I was sixteen I didn’t know it had a name. I thought it was just life.
I was always tearful at school but I love to learn and elementary school became a safe haven for me. I suppose I truly started to feel not only different from my peers but completely alien to them around the age of eleven when I went to my third funeral. Death visited my family often from then on so that by the time I was fourteen I’d been to five funerals, all of people close to me. I managed to deal with my grief and depression through perfectionism and performance at school. I was on all the sports teams and got nearly perfect grades. I graduated from my eighth grade class as Valedictorian and winner of the principal’s award. Staying in the spotlight helped to distract me from the darkness taking hold but eventually I couldn’t outrun it anymore.
That darkness stuck around and the boredom and apathy of my high school was the beginning of the end of my hope. The drama between my peers was light years away from being important when I was concerned that I would be next to die of cancer. Instead my mom got it. She caught it early and was in remission before I knew it but it was the last straw for me. I didn’t give up easily, though. Instead I fled through applying to an exchange to France. A year later I panicked because pain just hung on until every fiber in my body was poisoned. I felt like I had tar in my veins.
Major depression fell hard and fast. I realized that there was more than death weighing me down and the isolation while living overseas for three months plunged me head first into being suicidal. I was hospitalized within weeks of returning home to Canada. And so began my journey into the broken mental health system. I self-injured on a daily basis, pushed all of my friends away, and was hospitalized again and again. At eighteen one of my closest friends committed suicide after spending the day with me. Life was a living hell. I stayed behind a year at school and watched what acquaintances I had left go off into their dream schools and dream lives. I decided I was far too broken to ever succeed and upon graduating high school I went into my bedroom and shut the door. For the next five years or so I would only leave the house to go to therapy or a quick coffee with my family.
Between the ages of 16 and 25 I was hospitalized too many times to count. I tried to kill myself many times, received many stitches, I starved myself and tried to hate myself out of being depressed. I felt like I had no reason to be depressed, I just had a lack of willpower. I just couldn’t handle life.
Eventually something in me shifted and in one last effort to save my life I applied to go to Homewood, a residential treatment facility about an hour away from home. About a year later I was admitted into their “Integrated Mood and Anxiety Program” during which time I was forced to talk to other people that were depressed. I was terrified out of my mind but I did it. I did art therapy, horticultural therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy. I began to realize that I wasn’t depressed because of lack of willpower. That I had a treatable illness.
A year later I did a post-traumatic stress disorder program at Homewood. It helped me feel safe enough to stop self-destructing and once I learned how to sit and tolerate my feelings something major from my past floated up to the surface of my mind. It feels like one of the last essential puzzle pieces of my recovery.
I’m still in therapy now and am on a ton of medication, but finally my life is improving. I do a lot of art and a lot of writing and I find joy in my many pets. Working with mindyourmind.ca has given me direction and hope for a better mental health system, and a world of less stigma associated with mental illness.
I realize I’m one of the lucky ones. For every person that regains their life back from depression, there are ten in the background that never do. There basically isn’t any support out there for those who can’t afford to pay a professional therapist which is usually about $100 PER SESSION. My parents have been able to pay for my therapy and because of that, more than anything else, I am alive today.
After years of telling myself to shut up, I am learning to get my voice back. I want to tell you what it’s like to be too depressed to move and give you tips for when you feel that way. I want to help fill in the gaps in our broken mental health system. Maybe I can share with you what took me too long to learn. Maybe you will make the same mistakes as me or maybe you won’t. Fighting depression is a constant battle but there IS hope. That fact that I am here today writing this proves that there is another side to the darkness. Even if you can’t see it now. I’m not out of the woods yet but I’m really getting there. Read along, learn from my experiences, share yours with me and together we can make it through. ♥
Jul 19, 2011 @ 22:39:57
This is a very brave endeavor, I applaud your strength Erin. I recognize myself in some of your posts and my heart swells. I don’t have the way with words as you do, describing my depression battles has always come out in my art instead. A few years ago I read a book called “The Highly Sensitive Person” and it opened my eyes a little. There are some of us who sense more, react harder, and empathize to the extreme. I’ve gotten a lot better at accepting these traits of mine instead of hiding or suppressing.
Anyway, just wanted to say ‘Bravo!’ for this. Keep it going!
Dana
Jul 19, 2011 @ 23:02:46
Thank you so much for this comment; I’ve been nervous about people’s reactions to this page in particular. That book you recommend sounds fantastic! I’m going to check it out. :)
Your comment reminds me of one of my favourite quotes: “The opposite of DEpression is EXpression.” – SARK
Thank you so much, again, and all the best on your recovery and artistic journeys.
<3 Erin
Jul 26, 2011 @ 22:34:24
thank you erin.
tell me more. i need to know how to support my two young girls….you would think as a professional that i knew the answers. something about having kids makes it too close to see.
tell me more.
Jul 27, 2011 @ 10:36:54
Hi Mel,
I would be happy to talk with you more about this, especially in regards to your two young girls. Would you like to email me where we can continue this conversation further? :) My email is daisiesnbruises@gmail.com.
<3 Erin
Aug 02, 2011 @ 21:46:58
Hi Erin,
Thank you for writing this and being so open and honest. I’m pretty familiar with a lot of what you’re writing about here. Just recently I’ve started to seek help for what my family Dr. is so far diagnosing as depression. I’m waiting for my appointment with a psychiatrist, but it’s taking forever. I live in Canada as well (Ontario) and know very little about where I can even start to look for further informaton/seek additional help etc. It’s all pretty scary to be honest. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and thanks again for helping people that are facing similar problems.
Aug 02, 2011 @ 22:43:19
Thank you so much! Good for you for seeking help – it can be SO scary, especially at first. I hope you get your psychiatrist appointment soon. I know that this time of year can be tricky with doctors going on vacation (understandable but depression takes no vacations!) but I’ll cross my fingers that you hear from one soon. Take care <3
Aug 10, 2011 @ 22:32:53
I am amazed at how we’ve lived almost entirely parallel lives in terms of our depression paths, especially those first four paragraphs; they would be nearly identical to what I’d write if asked to describe my depression/anxiety. I’ve been in treatment since the age of six and have taken countless different medications. Thankfully, I’ve never been hospitalized for it outside of two separate psych evaluations when I was a teenager. I had my first series of nervous breakdowns three years ago at 23, and most recently (and most devastatingly) another series of breakdowns last October-December.
I think the biggest difference between the me of the past and the me now is that I no longer argue or disagree with my diagnosis of mental illness, I mean, I have to accept it as the reality it is before I can hope to begin to heal and get myself together and start living my life as I’d like again. I’m learning it’s not my fault, or anything I can help, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Which is refreshing after years of low self-esteem and hating myself for not being “normal”.
Apologies for the rambling, it’s just so nice to see someone who knows *exactly* what it’s like dealing with this stuff. We can talk to therapists and psychiatrists and they can sympathize but it’s truly rare to find someone who LIVES it and KNOWS it. Thanks for making me feel less alone in this. Take care and absolute best wishes to you. ♥
Aug 11, 2011 @ 22:25:02
Hi Whitney!
Thank you so much for your wonderful compliments!! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had similar experiences to mine but I’m glad you find some comfort in relating to my story.
It’s so awesome that you’ve accepted your mental illness. It’s obviously nothing anyone wants to have to accept in terms of their life but as you said, you can heal and start to live again once you’ve accepted your illness.
Thanks again for the awesome comments and support. All the best to you on your journey to wellness!
♥ Erin
Aug 22, 2011 @ 11:03:34
Hello Erin
I just came across your site whilst googling how to cope when therapist away. I recognise myself in many of your posts and have begun my journey with the help of a trauma therapist. It gives me hope to read your story and that I can recover to a place of expression rather depression as you so eloquently put this. I have now bookmarked your site to re-visit
Thanks for sharing your story, keep it up
Aug 22, 2011 @ 20:55:49
Wow, that’s awesome that you found my article on coping while a therapist is away right when you needed it. Thank you so much for your wonderful compliments and I wish you all the best in working with your trauma therapist. :)
Sep 16, 2011 @ 13:25:11
Hi Erin, I heard you speak at the LDDC AGM last night. You did a wonderful job. I am impressed by both your public speaking and writing abilities. You clearly have much to offer with respect to reducing the stigma surrounding mental illness. Thank you for sharing your story.
Sep 16, 2011 @ 20:17:58
Hi Catherine!
Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments. It was an honour to be chosen to speak at the meeting and I hope that everyone there got as much out of it as I did.
Thanks for visiting my blog as well, and reading my story. It means a lot to me. <3
Erin
Dec 14, 2011 @ 11:26:27
Erin,your site is great! good job Thanks for sharing it.I Shared it with my therapist that it may help her (therapists are people too) or another one of her clients Thank so much! Jan
Dec 23, 2011 @ 22:45:03
Hey Jan! It’s so great to hear that this blog not only resonated with you but enough so for you to pass it on to others. It’s especially an honour that you shared it with your therapist. I’ve done a bit of writing for therapists through mindyourmindpro.ca (a great site for professionals!) but it’s extra encouraging to hear such feedback from you.
Dec 23, 2011 @ 14:07:53
i’m inspired by your bravery. i struggle with depression too, being bipolar and can relate to much of what you have gone through – the self-injury, the hopelessness, the lack of understanding, and the finding relief through art. love your blog.
Dec 23, 2011 @ 22:48:03
Hey Jesserose,
I’m sorry that you have struggled with depression too but I’m glad to hear that my blog and writing have spoken to you and helped you feel less alone. I’d love to hear any feedback or ideas you have as you (possibly) read along in the future. :) Happy Holidays, too! <3
Dec 24, 2011 @ 03:52:49
Hi there Erin! Love your blog, love your poetry, will definately be reading :)
Have a beautiful Christmas and New Years.
Katexx
Jul 28, 2012 @ 22:30:54
Hi Kate,
Thank you so much!! Be well! *hugs*
<3 Erin
Apr 19, 2012 @ 05:26:38
Thank you for the instagram follow, but more so thanks for being so raw, open and honest about who you are and where you come from. You are a great writer and you take some damned sexy photographs. We have a hell of a lot in common and it was nice to read your story and know I’m not alone in the world/
I look forward to keeping up with your blog.
Where abouts are you located?
Laura Ricker
Instagram and etsy
Apr 20, 2012 @ 16:19:50
Hey Laura, thanks for checking out my blog! And thank you for the lovely compliments.
Guess how I found you? My dad is the guy selling you the phonograph! When he saw your blog he was like, “Erin, this girl is just like you!” I said, “Except exchange a phonograph with a typewriter?” And he was like, “CHECK OUT HER BLOG, SHE HAS TYPEWRITERS TOO!” LOL
So like my dad, I’m from London. He asked me if I’d be interested to come for the ride when he drops it off to you or whatever you’ve arranged. I said yes, so if you’re comfortable with it, we could meet in the near future! :)
May 07, 2012 @ 17:20:16
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can’t believe the courage you have not only to share your story but to keep living. I find myself within your story. Only now am I getting serious help but it does’t seem like enough. Thank you for doing what you are doing because it is making it easier to be in the here and now.
Jul 28, 2012 @ 22:27:16
Hi there,
I’m so sorry I missed your comment when you first posted but upon reading it today I am greatly moved and feel quite honoured to be helping you in the way you describe. One of the hardest pieces of depression recovery is figuring out what helps and how to get more of it. I’m glad my writing can help you in a way because little by little it all adds up.
Thanks for reading along and for your kind words.
Be well,
<3 Erin
Jul 28, 2012 @ 18:12:11
Thank you for sharing your story. People need to realize depression, and its various forms hurt….I was diagnosed with dysthymia, chronic depression and it just makes me so mad that people think it’s not just as bad as severe, clinical or major depression! depression hurts…period. Hope this gives everyone courage to keep kicking depression’s butt!
Jul 28, 2012 @ 22:24:33
Wow that last line really made me smile! haha thank you so much. I hope you find this blog helpful as you read along and feel free to contact me with any topic ideas or input!! Thanks again & be well,
<3 Erin
Aug 31, 2012 @ 13:08:07
Thank you for writing this, although it is very sad, and I am very sorry for everything you went through, I am glad to see that things are improving for you. I hope everything continues to get better, and you give me hope for the future.
Mar 03, 2013 @ 22:25:37
Thank you, so much! I’m glad you like my blog. ♥ Be well!
Mar 03, 2013 @ 03:39:02
So im not the only one?
My breakdowns are ruining my life and relationships. I dont know how to tame it, and no matter how many consultations i set up with therapists… I can never seem to make it there. My family doesnt know how deep it is even though i tell them i need help. ANyway, I needed to put my feelings somewhere. thanks.
Mar 03, 2013 @ 22:25:12
Hi there,
I guess you aren’t the only Daisies and Bruises…though your name links to my Etsy shop. I’m quite confused!
Don’t give up hope. Keep sharing your feelings. Secrets keep us sick!
Thanks for visiting my blog. :)
Erin
Mar 17, 2013 @ 12:40:35
Dearest Erin,
I sit here reading and shedding a few tears. We have come so far. I am so proud of you. The fact that you are reaching out and helping people with your blog and sharing your story, is amazing. When I think back to Homewood; Oh, God, I was so frightened to be there. Without that experience, however, I would never have met the incredible women I did. Women such as yourself. Kind, loving and so courageous. It was an honour to spend that time with you!
So let’s battle on…I miss you sweet girl…and I am proud of your progress!
Mar 17, 2013 @ 12:43:04
P.S. I too have turned to art to express myself. Can you imagine the Math teacher who couldn’t draw a straight line without a ruler…lol
Mar 17, 2013 @ 13:00:15
Thanks for your lovely comments, Alison! We have both come far. It’s been an honour to spend time with you as well and I’m glad we’re staying in touch. Be well and take care of you! ♥ Erin