My survival strategy of the moment is just to trust the timing of my life. It’s not my fault that things are the way they are. All I can do is survive the best I can and things can get better.
For example, I had a job interview a few weeks ago that didn’t work out. I’d basically already gotten the job through a rad connection of mine, and I really need the work to make ends meet. I need the social connection and the distraction from pain and the hope for my future.
It wasn’t the job for me. There were a million red flags that it was something I just wasn’t capable of doing right now. I left the mini interview in so much migraine pain I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. My head pain was SCREAMING at me. Over the next week it continued to scream and I honestly thought about suicide a lot and eventually just said to myself, “Holy shit, Erin, your body is saying NO. You need to say no. That’s all you have to do.”
So I did say no that particular job and my pain eased up slightly. My suicidal thoughts lessened a lot. I’m still having overwhelming concerns about where my life is going and if I’m going to have such severe physical and emotional pain FOREVER, but I’m trying to match those thoughts with the reminder that I don’t have to figure out the rest of my life today.
My pain is going to get better, at least if the weather stops doing this winter-to-spring yo-yo every twenty-four hours. My number one passion is writing, that has always been my calling in life, and I can do that curled up in my bed with an ice pack around my head and a heating pad on my back. All I need is a pen and a paper.
Money will come in time. Until then I’m thankful I have my writing. It’s my number one work. How can things not get better if I dedicate my heart to its calling?
I have a roof over my head. I have my dog. We don’t know what the future holds, and trying to predict it when our bodies are telling us otherwise, well, maybe just focusing on the present and what we can do for now is the best way of all.
I know we all have different struggles, but anxiety about surviving into the future is huge for everyone. There is so much uncertainty and fear in the air. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for now, let’s just trust that it’s going to work out for the simple reason that it makes our present much easier to handle. That’s all we have really, the present.
Thanks for being a part of my present!