Working for the Present

ErinUncategorized18 Comments


My bubble tea reads “Happy Enough”

My survival strategy of the moment is just to trust the timing of my life. It’s not my fault that things are the way they are. All I can do is survive the best I can and things can get better.

For example, I had a job interview a few weeks ago that didn’t work out. I’d basically already gotten the job through a rad connection of mine, and I really need the work to make ends meet. I need the social connection and the distraction from pain and the hope for my future.

It wasn’t the job for me. There were a million red flags that it was something I just wasn’t capable of doing right now. I left the mini interview in so much migraine pain I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. My head pain was SCREAMING at me. Over the next week it continued to scream and I honestly thought about suicide a lot and eventually just said to myself, “Holy shit, Erin, your body is saying NO. You need to say no. That’s all you have to do.”

So I did say no that particular job and my pain eased up slightly. My suicidal thoughts lessened a lot. I’m still having overwhelming concerns about where my life is going and if I’m going to have such severe physical and emotional pain FOREVER, but I’m trying to match those thoughts with the reminder that I don’t have to figure out the rest of my life today.

My pain is going to get better, at least if the weather stops doing this winter-to-spring yo-yo every twenty-four hours. My number one passion is writing, that has always been my calling in life, and I can do that curled up in my bed with an ice pack around my head and a heating pad on my back. All I need is a pen and a paper.

Money will come in time. Until then I’m thankful I have my writing. It’s my number one work. How can things not get better if I dedicate my heart to its calling?

I have a roof over my head. I have my dog. We don’t know what the future holds, and trying to predict it when our bodies are telling us otherwise, well, maybe just focusing on the present and what we can do for now is the best way of all.

I know we all have different struggles, but anxiety about surviving into the future is huge for everyone. There is so much uncertainty and fear in the air. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but for now, let’s just trust that it’s going to work out for the simple reason that it makes our present much easier to handle. That’s all we have really, the present.

Thanks for being a part of my present!


ErinWorking for the Present

18 Comments on “Working for the Present”

  1. J

    This is lovely, Erin — lovely in your warmth, your strength, your sense, your trust in time, meaning, and calling. Thank YOU for being part of my present.

  2. Fay

    HI Ellen

    Please don’t hurt yourself. I just joined the list because I was so touched by your prolific writing. So many people who seek hope from you and solidarity would be shattered if they woke to find you not there.

    Much love and I agree with what you are writing some times life tells you no and even your body . We should all listen

  3. hummingbirdpages

    Hey my love,

    I am always here for you, so is Levi, Bear, Tiffy and my Erin ☺ and I have plenty of pics of snoots to boop and toe beans to tickle whenever you need them!

    I’m here with you, even if it’s in text and spirit, always.

    I love you girl.
    Much love,

  4. Olivia F

    I feel like this was a really real post that we needed to read. This post spoke to me for how I feel this week, and last week, and so on. It’s been an uphill battle, but I am glad you are able to share with us whenever you can so we can all know together we are not alone, no matter how isolated we feel. It looks like through the words you wrote that you are seeing something positive, and that makes me feel better for you, and that I can do the same. I may need to read this post a hundred times to believe it myself.
    So thank-you Erin, stay true to your feelings. Much love.

  5. Icky

    Thank you for writing this post. I just wrote in my own blog about the difficulties of listening to your body even though it often knows what’s best for you. I’m so glad that you keep on listening and trying and sharing your story with us.

  6. Ela

    It’s nice that you listened to your gut feeling – when your body is telling you NO to a certain thing, it means something. We’re rooting for you :)

  7. Wayne

    Hi Erin,

    Thank you for writing this post. Just found out about your blog today. I was suffering from a major depression today, and I felt much better after going through your posts. I got rejected for multiple jobs that I have applied to, and it has been a very tough battle for me. Thank you for sharing your stories and letting me know that I’m not all alone.

  8. Cee

    Hi Erin,

    I’ve just subscribed to your blog today after Googling a line of poetry I may have misremembered: “All that holds my sadness is sound.” Anyway, somehow your eyes in the photo of you with your bubble tea promised that I would find what I did find in your writing. I’ve only just read this one post so far. I’ll spend time in the archives when I have more of it. I’m at a similar place in my life right now, it seems, so I will read your stories with interest. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with the world online. There really is so much uncertainty in the air, but more than the present, we do have each other.

    Sweet greetings from a young European expat,

    1. Cee

      Ah! Just saw that you’re in Canada (Canadian?)! Will probably be able to confirm this after reading more. I was born and raised in Canada, left for overseas only last year. Almost one year in and I’m only just now beginning to feel something like myself again. Anyhow, I’ll be happy to read your blog for another reason: news from back home. :)

  9. Melody Nolan

    Erin, thank you for still be alive…you are a gift to the world. I am Melody Nolan with TreasureLives Suicide Prevention & Mental Health Awareness. I have been “nominated” for the “Best Blogger Appreciation Award.” In turn, I am nominating you and yours! There is some work involved: I will be in touch shortly with the details.
    Meanwhile, keep writing!
    Best Wishes,

  10. Shaneequa

    Wauw the way you write.. it’s like I’m reading my own thoughts! I wanted to find a blog like yours when I was depressed. For some reason I couldn’t find anything, of course the reason was that I was depressed. Now that I’m creating my happiness I’m starting to find blogs like ours. Yes I said ours, because when I couldn’t find it I decided that I needed to make a blog for people like us. My blog is called Happy, Blessed & Loved and I hope that one day everybody will be able to be just that!

    Keep up the good work!!

    Be Happy, Blessed & Loved!

  11. Pingback: THIS DARK WORLD IN MY MIND – Too Depressed to Notice

  12. jackie alecho

    “I feel like i am nothing but sharp edges and hurt and suffering. ”

    You are amazing. As i press on in my journey through depression. I will keep track of yours.

    Thankyou x

  13. Jennifer

    Hi, I just want you to know I have been exactly where you are and could have written so many of your words myself. I can’t help but wonder if you are on the right antidepressants if you are at all. Because I know for myself I have been on many different medications sometimes they work sometimes they don’t. The one I am currently on happens to be working for me and I have not felt as good as I do in over 5 years. I wish you the very very best.

  14. lilian aria piero

    I write as a sign of gratitude to God, i am really happy to be alive today and see the break of another day, I lived and suffered with TBI for a very long time after I suffered a terrible crash, I was shy and couldnt say it out because of ego issues. I suffered in silence till I was able to get herbal products by DR Jose Alessio, and with his drugs, prayers and instructions I was treated and now i am a happy survivor! pray to God and follow the instructions of Dr Jose, he has the perfect solutions for Schizophrenia,Traumatic Brain Injuries, Delusions, Brain cancer, Aphasia, Autism, Psychosis and any brain related ailment, you name it!. Do not wrestle with death on your own, contact him

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