I haven’t wanted to be alive for a solid three months and I think, somehow, my subconscious decided that if I just stopped talking, writing, posting, sharing, leaving evidence of my existence, that would somehow erase me. Now I feel invisible on top of all those other feelings and it’s fucking intolerable. So here I am.
I am not invisible. I count.
My feelings matter, even if I feel so alone with my feelings that the world just might crack in two with me as the epicentre.
Sometimes I feel so confused that the world around me hasn’t cracked in two from the force of my feelings. People walk right by me, their lives being perpetual daylight and mine being perpetual darkness.
It’s okay. It’s okay for me to feel this way. It hurts, but it’s not my fault. It’s okay that I don’t function as well as I want to. I can keep trying.
As long as I don’t end my life, there’s potential for things to get better. Yesterday my mom told me, “One day at a time,” and I thought, “God, I can’t think that far ahead.” I go by one hour at a time, one minute. Get through this minute.
We’ve hardly had any sunshine this winter. Today there was a moment where the sun shone through my window onto my wall and I got up and mimicked what my dog would do: I stood in the patch of sunlight. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but those minutes were golden. I smiled, squatting in my pyjamas, messy hair, unwashed face. Everything melted away, all my self-hatred, all my shame, all my anger at myself for being such a mess. I just felt the sunlight on my face and it was enough.
We need to live for these moments of sunshine, no matter how short they are. We need to give ourself validation for our feelings, even if no one else does. No one is living your life but you. You matter, you count, and you don’t need to make yourself invisible.
I haven’t been doing well at all. That’s okay. I exist. That’s all I can do right now. It’s enough. More sunshine will come in time.
P.S. My donation button on my sidebar needs some love. If you can share even a dollar, it would help me so much. I am eternally grateful and vow to continue sharing what sunshine I find.