Finding the Sunshine

ErinUncategorized38 Comments

FindingtheSunshine2I haven’t wanted to be alive for a solid three months and I think, somehow, my subconscious decided that if I just stopped talking, writing, posting, sharing, leaving evidence of my existence, that would somehow erase me. Now I feel invisible on top of all those other feelings and it’s fucking intolerable. So here I am.

I am not invisible. I count.

My feelings matter, even if I feel so alone with my feelings that the world just might crack in two with me as the epicentre.

Sometimes I feel so confused that the world around me hasn’t cracked in two from the force of my feelings. People walk right by me, their lives being perpetual daylight and mine being perpetual darkness.

It’s okay. It’s okay for me to feel this way. It hurts, but it’s not my fault. It’s okay that I don’t function as well as I want to. I can keep trying.

As long as I don’t end my life, there’s potential for things to get better. Yesterday my mom told me, “One day at a time,” and I thought, “God, I can’t think that far ahead.” I go by one hour at a time, one minute. Get through this minute.

We’ve hardly had any sunshine this winter. Today there was a moment where the sun shone through my window onto my wall and I got up and mimicked what my dog would do: I stood in the patch of sunlight. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but those minutes were golden. I smiled, squatting in my pyjamas, messy hair, unwashed face. Everything melted away, all my self-hatred, all my shame, all my anger at myself for being such a mess. I just felt the sunlight on my face and it was enough.

We need to live for these moments of sunshine, no matter how short they are. We need to give ourself validation for our feelings, even if no one else does. No one is living your life but you. You matter, you count, and you don’t need to make yourself invisible.

I haven’t been doing well at all. That’s okay. I exist. That’s all I can do right now. It’s enough. More sunshine will come in time.


P.S. My donation button on my sidebar needs some love. If you can share even a dollar, it would help me so much. I am eternally grateful and vow to continue sharing what sunshine I find.


ErinFinding the Sunshine

38 Comments on “Finding the Sunshine”

  1. Marissa

    So incredibly relatable. Especially today. I feel like I could shatter at any moment. Hang in there love. Prayers heading your way.

  2. Irene

    Oops! I meant to send you a note with the donation but went too quickly. You matter so much! Please treat yourself to something on Valentine’s Day from me.

  3. Jenny

    Thanks for writing this. Your words described exactly how I’m feeling, and it helps so much to know I’m not alone. I needed to hear this so badly; today, all I can do is just be alive. And even that is hard. I am sorry for your pain, your feeling invisible, for having to live in perpetual darkness and hold out minute by minute for a short bit of light. I am proud of you. You DO matter. I am inspired to look for my “sunshine” now. Thank you. Be well.

  4. Instant

    I’m right there with you in the mud. It’s almost – almost – funny how terrible I feel. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this unrelenting lowness and emptiness. 3 months for me as well of being in the worst place. I feel for you, I hope you have moments of relief. This won’t continue forever – remember that.


  5. Carla

    In the heat and relentless sunshine of the Australian summer I feel perpetually beak, helpless and hopeless, unable to escape the darkness of my mind. My family are a wonderful support, yet I feel undeserving of their time and kindness. I fear I am a burden to them. I feel unable to break out of the cycle of self harm despite seeing a wonderful psychiatrist/therapist. Yet I am also still here, still alive, doing my best to keep going when all feels black. We keep going. We deserve joy and love even when our minds lie and the lies feel like truth.

  6. Misa

    I am there with you. I feel the same way. I have no idea if this will ever end but I am breathing. We can keep breathing together x

  7. Soukaina

    I’m so glad you posted, I’ve been checking nearly every day. You are not alone sweetheart, you are not, I know this won’t make you feel any better I really do, cause I’ve been there too, and I still am sometimes, but I really hope things will get better soon with you, you are a great person, with love.

  8. Ella Macnish

    Sending love from Australia to you, you are important, you are powerful, resilient and brave. Your venerability is inspiring and each day that you get out of bed, write, do self-care,look after your dog, eat well ext is a day full of huge achievements xxx thank you for being you *hugs* <3 Ella

  9. Carlie

    Thank you for existing

    Thank you for this blog, you write so well and I am glad I have found this to read especially since I am struggling like you right now.

    I hope sunshine comes soon too. Xx

  10. Rose

    Hello Beautiful Lady Erin

    I came across your blog by searching about self harming. I’m in my thirties and fight the urge to physically hurt myself daily. I’ve only recently realised it’s because I get overwhelmed with emotion and it’s a way to express myself. I’ve been slow to catch on, lol. Self sabotage is another thing I do but that’s a bit different.

    I haven’t been able to read your story as for some reason I can’t reach that page right now. I admire you for writing a blog considering how harshly you judge yourself which is one reason why I’m too scared to put myself out there. You have followers who enjoy connecting with you and I personally love your writing style, and your creativity. Telling you this won’t change how you perceive yourself, even though you can ‘hear’ the words.

    I felt the urge to reach out because of the distorted perception you have of yourself. It’s sad x I can identify with you. You say above that you, “…stopped talking, writing, posting, sharing, leaving evidence of my existence, that would somehow erase me”. I dropped and broke my mobile phone last April and I still haven’t got it fixed! I haven’t been able to bring myself to get in touch with the people who will be wondering what has happened to me.

    My current therapist that I’ve been seeing for 18 months only recently mentioned that I have attachment issues. I had only ever heard about reactive attachment disorder and couldn’t relate to that so I didn’t think attachment issues were my problem! Anyway, I’ve been doing some reading and if you haven’t explored this with your therapist (if you currently have one) then you might want to.

    Only in the last year have I rediscovered my crafty side. Even though I don’t always have the energy for it, it’s something that I love. It’s obvious you have oodles of creativity too so I’m donating some money to help with this.. although do with it what you like :-)

  11. Rose

    Pants. I sent a comment saying I’d donate but I’m having Paypal issues so I’ll come back for you!

  12. Lizanne Corbit

    This is so authentic, and relatable. You might even be surprised how many can relate to this. You are not invisible; you are seen. You are heard. Thank you for stepping into your courage and sharing this.

    1. Chip McDermott

      Agree Lizanne
      We all feel invisible. I get out of my house every morning and get into a public place, like a coffee house or the market just to get the energy and to smile at people–you usually always get a smile back! I sometimes have to force myself to do it, but it’s worth it. Too often we feel we are living in our own little boxes: house, office, car, and want to embrace community. It is so necessary and helps raise my spirit. Not always, but often.

  13. A friend

    Can you publish your writings in wattpad. There are many people out there who are confused as to why they feel like this. They realise it a lot later that they are having depression. Your words might hit them to their core, and it might even help some seek early medication.

  14. Emily

    Thank you. These words helped me realise existing is enough.
    They stopped me from ended the pain, you saved my life so thank you, THANK YOU

  15. Fay

    What an amazing and WORTHY writer,,,,, I felt so touched and unCRAZY by what you wrote. Im sure so many other have.. SO THEREFORE YOU DO MATTER

  16. Kate

    I agree! We have to keep trying. Little by little. The sunshine will be amazing this summer. We can spend the whole summer in the light ;) thank you for sharing. Really it means a lot.

  17. anon

    you are amazing, and worth so much. don’t stop writing, know that we are all here behind our screens reading, relating, and feeling what you feel. we’re here, even if you can’t see us.

  18. gilly safdeye

    It was so helpful, I know we cant go on like this as it is a sin. If you believe, your depression will stop, and never forget, keep on believing because the alternative is unbelievably horrible, I went through it, a nervous breakdown.!!!

  19. Rose

    Hello Erin
    thank you for your blog .i love the honesty and your way of looking in .have been suffering from depression myself and can relate to all you say .will be looking in everyday
    thank you again

  20. Lily Thompson

    You’ve touched our hearts Erin by expressing what you felt. The problem starts when people don’t share such feelings and keep fighting a battle within. I strongly believe there is help available only if we take the first step to reach out for it. This is especially true during difficult times.

    1. Chip McDermott

      This is spot on. Human connection, face to face connection is so powerful. It helped me step out and through my fear when I got back from a treatment program for depression.
      Truly force yourself to get out and talk to people, smile at folks. Doing so releases chemicals that improve your mood like oxytocin. Sounds a bit silly perhaps but it works. Fulfill you biological need to “connect,” it will help you feel a bit better. I started in my town to get folks out and communicating, and last week I spoke on the power of F2F connection; how it does can & will lift us all. Much love and light to you.

      1. Rose

        Hello Chip
        what a blessed site!iam deeply grateful to have found this site that offers so much support .my disabled husband and i are very depressed as my son is very unhappy in his marriage and caring for my disabled husband 24 hrs takes its toll on me
        thank you for the compassion the sharing i find on your site Chip
        God bless you
        warm regards

        1. Chip McDermott

          Hi Rose!
          I am with you, my dear friend. Sorry to hear about your husband and son. That is indeed very difficult. You are obviously very strong ( you really are!) And will rise up. hang in there. And for more little tidbits that may help is my other website ; /
 or Not trying to “sell” you just maybe reading some may help. So much love to you and your husband and son Rose. Never forget, you are amazing. Believe it. Love, Chip

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