Apocalyptic Hurt

ErinUncategorized23 Comments

Does it ever really make you angry that life never apologizes for being unfair?

I feel so small and inconsequential in a world that is fucking out of control crazy. I have absolutely no control. I want to fix everything. I want to undo the damage. Can’t someone just take responsibility for how fucked up things are?

 

I want to quit. I want to give up. I’m in so much pain all the time. My head hurts enough to split the world in two, but it’s stuck inside my skull. There’s so much pressure, I just don’t have the words for it.

I used to think I was getting better and now it feels like I’m just going down and down and down. I can’t be though. I’m still alive. This is just a really hard spot.

Sometimes I think that the worst thing in the world is that our feelings don’t kill us. If you’re anything like me, or if you’ve experienced something really awful, you know that emotion can just obliterate you on the inside. It’s like earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, hurricanes, the apocalypse is happening under your skin and you’re alone with it. It doesn’t make sense, just how much we can hurt and survive.

I don’t know why we survive this hurt. I don’t have any answers. At least not right now. All I have is experience and the knowledge that as long as we’re surviving the hurt, there has to be a reason for it. There just has to. And maybe it’s okay that we don’t know why. We just have to trust it.

I’m still here. I’m glad you are too, even though it hurts so much sometimes. We are here together.

Love Erin

 

 

ErinApocalyptic Hurt

23 Comments on “Apocalyptic Hurt”

  1. Juli

    Hi Erin,
    I am so glad you posted. I have been experiencing a downward spiral as well. I have been dismissed from my graduate school program because my anxiety has gotten so bad I have been incapable of performing to their standards. Yesterday my car broke down… I was actually relying on the money from school to pay my living expenses but because I have been dismissed from the program I will no longer have loan money, which means i have to work. Getting to work is the problem my vehicle is pretty close to being out of commission. I just replaced the brakes in it and now this. I have been experiencing panic attacks more often. I had one when my vehicle stalled while going uphill. I just don’t know that I can take much more of this. My counselor is out of town and when i called the hotline to get help just to talk they basically passed the buck onto someone else near me after i told them my insurance is out of state and won’t cover anything unless it’s an emergency. I feel like a burden to everyone around me. I feel alone. I feel sad. I told my ex about how bad things have gotten and instead of trying to be there for me he texted my sister who lives three states away and told her he was concerned. But he still wants to be friends— only when it’s convenient for him… when i have my life together.

    1. Emily Gillatt-Ball

      Hi Juli, I’m so sorry to hear you feel alone. Sometimes it just feels as if fate piles everything on top of us at once, doesn’t it? You definitely need someone to talk to, but it doesn’t sound as if your ex wants to be that person. Have you tried contacting Samaritans http://www.samaritansusa.org/contact.php ? The only positive thing I can say is that you WILL get through this, and things WILL get better for you eventually. Hang in there xx

      1. Juli

        Emily,
        Thank you for your kind words. I had not heard of that organization before, but I will try contacting them in the future.

  2. Carly

    Hi there,

    I don’t usually comment on your posts, because I too scared of saying something wrong… However I had a feeling that I should contact you and ask you about your headaches. The way you described them resonates a lot with me, because I have Chiari. I guess I was just wondering if you have ever heard of it. I hope this comment does not trigger you or offend you in any way! Sending Hugs and good vibes:) -Carly A.

  3. Hanna

    thank you Erin, I’m very grateful for you. Also I have the knowledge to know that you are anything but small and inconsequential. Lots of love

  4. Vicki

    First of all yes, there are bad things in the world, but there is more good. You just have to look for them harder. You glass can be half full or half empty
    You dont have to fix the world , just take care of yourself and those around you. Be kind and spread love and it will come back to you ten fold.
    Pain can be life changing so don’t let it take control. You’re stronger than your pain. Like you said , you’re still here, winning over the pain and hurt.
    There’s really no solution to your issue except letting it go,focus on the good in life and be grateful for the blessings you have. If you choose to make your pain, disappointment and anger the focus of your existence you are only feeding the problem.
    ,

  5. J

    Dear Erin, with heart and soul I am glad you exist, and are *still* here. I think of you every day. In my eyes, your struggle is meaningful. Without doubt. <3 and a big hug as we move into 2017.

  6. R.B.

    The pain is so unbearable at times you just want to scream at the top of your lungs for how unfair shit is sometimes…but you don’t because you don’t want the neighbours knowing you actually exist. You hover in a corner by yourself with your pain because you don’t want to expose yourself while at the same time, you’re screaming on the inside for someone to notice how unhappy you truly are. You don’t remember what it was like when you were happy and now, you’re, sadly, becoming okay with it because it’s just seems like that’s how it’s supposed to be.

    1. LizaBeth

      This is EXACTLY how I feel! I hate that torn feeling……..not wanting anyone to know but wanting someone to SEE………………..

  7. Greg Weber

    Glad you are still with us, Erin. I’m also in downward spiral, and wonder if this is just a particularly challenging time for people with mental health issues. Current events basically feel like Miracle-Gro for my internal craziness.

  8. Haxwell

    My abusive alcoholic mother was given to me by chance, and the rest of life following that 8 year warmup was merely how I navigated the randomness given to me. I forgave my mother and made emotional distance; now we visit weekly and I don’t hate myself afterward. I forgive life for killing my friend in front of me as a child and further shattering me in the Marines; now I can start turning my self-hate and mutilation to self-compassion and art that doesn’t involve my own blood.

    You all deserve compassion, especially from your self.

  9. Harriet

    I send my heartfelt love and compassion to you dear Erin. Thank you for sharing your feelings so honestly. if only our families could understand and empathize with us, how much that would help all of us who suffer with this horrible and unrelenting disease. I send you much love and many warm hugs. May be angels descend and wrap you in their loving embrace. God bless my dear. Love, Harriet

  10. Nádia

    I feel the same way and read this made me feel that I’m not alone. Sometimes people don’t understand what it’s going on with me and think that I’m a loser. I want to ask for help but I can’t.

  11. Bobby

    I feel the same. Sometimes I even wonder why I dont just die because the emotional pain has already killed me on the inside but your blog helps me to keep going. In fact I started drawing again because of you. Thank you for helping me even though you didnt even know.

  12. Shiven

    I feel you.

    Life is being really really bad right now. This is legitimately the only place I can come to, nobody else will talk to me. I feel so alone.

  13. Smilefinder

    If you are on facebook, be sure to subscribe to the funny pages, the kitten video pages, the happy pages. Eliminate your newsfeeds of the negative stories. Turn off the “trending” things that bring you down. We have to FIGHT to stay up. But we can win!

    Life is not fair. And it doesn’t help to remind ourselves someone else always has it worse, but we do need to try to be thankful for any scrap of anything positive we have. Electricity. Water. Roof over our head. This blog! Life has dealt so many of us a crappy hand – from childhood on for some.

    No one is totally alone. Not for long. Go for a walk and just be around the energy of other people. Most people are actually good – and many, are too sad like us. But smile anyway. Smile at the sad faces and see if you can get some to smile back.

    Stay positive. The days are getting longer. More sunlight will be helpful. Eat well. Sleep well. and stay positive. xo

  14. Shallona

    Erin,

    I am not a blogger and this is my first response to any blog….I am depressed. I just woke up one morning and realized I am almost 40. I do not own a house, I live with my parents, I have not dated over ten years now, I am in a job that I no longer love with a passion.

    Crying spells, loneliness, anxiety , headaches, neck pains are taking over every part of my being. I have been doing non profit work since I have been a teenager..It made me feel whole knowing that I was improving the lives of others but somehow it became all that I did and enjoyed ….I sacrificed so many things that I dreamed off but instead I invested most of what I could give into my non profit work that somewhere along the line I lost my desire for things and people that I thought I wanted.

    My non profit work is taking a nosedive because I have been frustrated with the fact that many of the people I have grown close to in my non profit work have abandoned me to pursue their own interests…and I can’t blame them…they seek to start a family, moving away to other places, getting other friends and meeting persons in other social circles…during that time no one thought about ME.

    So everyone has moved on and I am still behind ….behind my dreams and this sudden realization came down on me like a tsunami and I got scared because I don’t want to continue living this way but I feel that I don’t have a choice ……

    Almost 40 and I feel like I have not achieved anything……I feel small. I am hurt. My life seems hopeless. Life is unfair . Reading your blog Erin provides support because I needed someone to tell me that I am not alone in all this.
    Shal

  15. K

    Erin,

    I stumbled across your blog searching desperately to find help for someone who literally means everything to me. It’s heartbreaking to read some of your posts that sound as if they’re being spoken by this person or as if I’m witnessing first hand my unsuccessful attempts at trying to pull them out of many of the same slumps.

    Recently this person had the worst episode I’ve ever seen. Alcohol was involved some of the days… others were purely sober devastation. My beautiful person turned into something I’ve never seen. They went well over 5 days without eating. From then on I could get them to eat something very small maybe once a day tops. They spent the day sleeping constantly but were so tired and physically depleted that the sleep did nothing at all. So physically weak that I was worried they’d fall while walking or getting up and down out of a chair.

    My person finally pulled out of it and was doing better until a recent trigger. Now I’m hearing the same self-degrading phrases and can see us right back to where we were at with the last crisis.

    This is the most loving, kind, beautiful person. They are my everything.

    What advice would you give that I could use that might help in any way? Besides the usual recommendations (therapy, etc). Any phrases or support examples that have helped you when you’re at your lowest?

    That being said, I feel for you with all my being. Having watched my person suffer I can only imagine what you’re going through right now. I hope your drawings continue to help and that you feel better, even a little better, soon.

    Thank you,
    -K

  16. Ontheblueline

    Hello! Stumbled upon this blog tonight.

    I empathize with everyone in the room.

    There’s so little information out there for overcoming this vicious illness.

    I’ve read a few blogs and books about depression, which have helped provide me with somewhat of a short-term pause in fighting its effects. Instead of running from it and denying that it’s something I’m fighting, I’m going to deal with it head on. After more than 30 years of dealing with this on my own, self-medicating and more, I’m going to be seeing a counselor for the first time in an effort to fully overcome this illness.

    Some things that have helped me a lot, recently – which I hope might bring aid to you, or anyone else wanting it so desperately:

    Hal Elrod – the Miracle Morning – I’m seeing improvements, as recently as today, as I write this.
    Charles Duhigg – The power of Habit
    Terrance Real – I don’t want to talk about it – understanding depression in men.

    I’m holding onto a lot of hope for you. You can do this.

    From my limited education on depression, it at least appears that so much of it is driven by trauma suffered during our childhood. As children, we do everything we can to survive it, however, the mechanisms we use to deal with and compensate for the pain we feel manifests in us – the rest of our lives, unless we attempt the revisit the original pain, deal with and ultimately overcome it. While explained in a limited number of words, I know this process is going to be a total motherfucker. While I suffer now from poor decisions and actions of others before me – actions for which I have no fault – I, yes I have to pick up the pieces and try and fix myself and overcome this illness. It sucks that is has come to this, but I know that I can do this, and I know that you can too.

    I commend you on your courage to putting a voice to this struggle that so many people deal with. You’re one of few people brave enough to open a dialogue on this subject. Hang in there. It can get better. It WILL get better.

  17. Di

    My mother gave $500,000 to my brothers and I was excluded. I’ve been permanently disabled and bedridden for 15 years. My boyfriend rarely works. He’s $20,000 in debt. I give up.

  18. Linda

    Hi Erin,

    The thing is we can’t do anything about the past, nor are we guaranteed tomorrow. We must focus on the here and now, because this is something we can work with. I have struggled with depression for decades. (I am 60 now). Sending you warm hugs across the miles. Greetings from Montreal, Canada.

  19. Harris

    Hi Erin, I have been where you are, a very ugly place. This is just a chapter in the book of your life. This too shall pass; if you just hang in there. The next chapter will be much better!

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