Screaming Onto the Pages

ErinUncategorized23 Comments

Sometimes words aren’t enough. Sometimes writing our feelings out doesn’t justify the intensity of emotion we need to convey to feel better. We need movement, we need colour, we need to scream onto the pages.

It’s become a familiar scene for me to open my laptop to blog and instead I just cry helplessly. My dog slinks from the room with his tail between his legs, unsettled by my pain. Writing on paper is easier, but still, I’ve felt blocked and frustrated.

Sometime in the past few weeks I decided to change instruments, and I reached for my markers instead. At first I felt nothing but blackness and needed to fill a page with that.

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After that page, the blackness of my emotions dissipated and I reached for a blue marker. This time more words came to the surface.

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There is something so therapeutic about markers! More feelings tumbled out as I chose green, the colour normally associated with growth, turned yellow and sickly. Infection, rot. Sickness.

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Next, anger and alarm and fear gripped me. Red was my next choice.

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After that page, I felt better enough to sleep. The next day, I felt muted and alone. I picked up my markers again. I chose grey, to match my feeling of turning into mist and fading away.

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The next night I felt similar to the night before, except a profound grief turned my grey feelings into blue.

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After a few days of going back to just writing with a pen, I coloured this page the other night. More emotion came out with question marks and exclamation points.

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None of these pages are going up on a gallery wall. They are juvenile, but really, my inner child hurts, so why not express myself like an eight-year-old would?

Creating these pages didn’t make my pain stop, but they made it easier to bear. Sometimes that’s all we can do with pain. Survive it, any way possible.

There are no tools that are off-limits in getting better, though I recommend getting your pain out through art supplies instead of through self-harm. The goal is to cope with pain, not create more of it.

I’m not doing well at all these days but I’m making art and that fact alone means that I’ll be okay. One step at a time.

Love Erin

ErinScreaming Onto the Pages

23 Comments on “Screaming Onto the Pages”

  1. Irene

    Hi Erin. Please check your PayPal account. You will find a little something for art supplies. Even when I don’t see you in my inbox, you are regularly in my thoughts. Sending good vibes your way and much love.

    1. Erin

      Thank you so much, Irene! Your care and concern help me beyond words. All the best to you and those you love this holiday season.

  2. Anne

    Erin! You are never alone. I am a Christian, which has helped me manage my depression, grief and pain, but even to those who can’t accept Jesus, I still dare to say, you are loved, you are noted and I think you’re so brave… That you even manage to keep up this blog blows my mind.
    I wish I could meet you and be a more tangible support.
    Sending you much love and sympathy from Chile,
    -A fellow sexual abuse survivor

  3. kinnery

    i’m so glad to see that you’re creating, even if it comes from a place of pain. as you once told me, the opposite of depression is expression. i might go grab some markers myself.
    i love you bunches and bunches my dear friend.

  4. Vicki

    Try finding just one positive thing to say. If you focus on the negative your outlook is negative.
    Life is what you make it. I understand you feel badly but don’t let negativity be your focus.
    Surely there is something good in your life. You’re on thr right side of the grass. You have clothing and warm housing. You have healthy food. You have friends and family that love you. Just find one small thing that’s good and focus on it. Not what you don’t have

    1. Erin

      I love my blog and I love my ability to be honest in my paper journal to express my emotions exactly as they are. This blog is about depression and coping with the “negative” feelings that come along with it; just because I don’t share my journal entries where I’ve written positively doesn’t mean I’m not grateful or don’t see the positive side of things. At Daisies and Bruises I write about the full spectrum of human emotion, even if it makes some people uncomfortable.

  5. Juli

    Erin,
    I had been thinking about you a couple days ago and was so glad to receive an email that you had posted on your blog! I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing, but I want to say that your entry was so beautiful and poetic. Art is such an important outlet for me when i’m feeling down. It helps me express the pain and leave it all on the paper. (It doesn’t always work that way but I am happy that we are finding healthy ways to cope.) I even got a new job so i wouldn’t sit in my room alone and sad, dwelling on my past or how the present isn’t how it should be. My therapist said that was a healthy step. Anyways it’s always amazing to hear from you! Your blog has helped me so much. Thank you.

  6. Declan

    You are a very talented writer. Your words are so honest and brutal. Sharing your reality does help others and I hope brings you some level of comfort, connection and love. Keep well, when you can. There will be some sunshine again, perhaps soon. Thank you.

  7. Sharon

    Erin,
    I love the way you’ve expressed your emotions in colors. I started coloring about a year ago and it has really helped me. It’s just enough activity to keep me from doing something like screaming or throwing something or sobbing when I’m so angry at the world or so hopeless and discouraged that I want to melt away in my puddle of tears.

    I think it’s great that you have this blog and so many people can write in and, like myself, express themselves which gives us a sense of contributing something and benefiting from what we’re sharing. Peer support. If only we could have more “live” peer support, whether it be one on one or in groups. I wish I had that near me.

    Well take care of yourself and know that you’re doing incredibly helpful for many people.

  8. JayKay

    Hello Erin,

    This was quite creative and art is indeed therapeutic. Do you enjoy colouring? If so, I once went to a crafts group and we did some colouring of mindful mandalas. It was pretty good and it did wonders for my mood because I felt better about myself after the colouring was over. I have not done much experimenting with art after that but I am thinking that I probably should do it more or go to such types of groups more to help uplift me. I hope you have a great weekend!

    http://lonelycanadiangirl.blogspot.ca/

  9. Dimi

    Erin,

    I admire your artwork and your honesty. Your reasons for using specific colors made so much sense to me. Art therapy is a great way to express your feelings. “The goal is to cope with the pain, not create more of it.” So often people try to “fix” others as if they are a car that needs a new part and will then run just fine. Oh how misguided those people can be. Thank you for being real and opening up not only to yourself, but to complete strangers well. It’s okay to not be okay. Keep writing. Keep drawing. Do whatever you need to continue coping in a positive way. Even if you feel like your writing doesn’t help you sometimes, you words could be what saves someone else.

  10. Alex J

    Hey Erin, this is my first time finding your blog. I find writing in general to be extremely therapeutic and distracting from mental health problems.

    Has building this blog been helpful for you? I have my own blog on mental health and in building it alone (with the original intent of helping others) I have experienced such an improvement in well being.

  11. M

    Your blog has inspired me to try and create my own blog, its seems to help you and you help others doing it too- me included, I thank you a lot for your blog as it’s helped me a lot recently and was wondering if you would check out mine? It’s not very good yet; I’m still working on it and don’t know if it’s any good but I’d be honoured if you could have a look and give me some advice, thank you so much and God bless everyone who ever endures mental health issues

  12. Nick

    Erin, you’re an inspiration to us all. Thank you for highlighting your way of coping with your pain. I never thought of using art as a way to cope. Thank you for that. Right now I just juggle with coping by meditating, exercise, journaling, positive self-talk, surrounding myself with positive people, and now, thanks to your help: art. I will be sure to share this to my friends going through similar problems. Erin, it’s people like you that make this earth a better/easier place to live in. Thank you……. and keep doing you!

  13. Ella

    Hi Erin, I just stumbled upon this blog. I am suffering similar symptoms to depression but I don’t if it is. I don’t know what it is. Anyway, this blog has really helped me understand what’s going on and become more confident to eventually explain it all to my parents. Thank you so much. You really help and are an inspiration. Ella xxx

  14. Sandy

    Hi Erin. Your artwork has expressed my own feelings as I struggle with depression, so perfectly. I journal but have never thought to use color/art to get the feelings & thoughts out of my head. You have given me inspiration Erin.

    Hope you are doing ok and continue to share your thoughts and artwork.

    Sincerely,
    Sandy

  15. lisa

    I am sorry you are suffering. Your blog really helps me realize Im not alone and others know what its like to have depression. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing.

  16. B

    Hi Erin
    I came in search of people who may understand what I am going through as it is so lonely when no one gets you.

    I relate to how you battle with the system and how screwed up it is.

    My life has been wrought with suffering and for years I questioned why me? I concluded that there has to be a reason: there is a reason and purpose in all things.

    I looked into near death experiences and took my answers from those accounts (as I need facts and proof). I determined that our fate is predetermined, as souls we chose our particular lives to learn and grow in the areas we need. And, we chose the lives we have now because we believed, at that time, that we were strong enough to carry them out.

    I resonate with this because the more I endure the more I feel like my true soul form and not this human shell, and the more this world appears so ludicrous. The more I suffer the clearer I see the things that ‘really’ matter.

    So, as much as I loathe existing in this circus and eagerly await the end of this lesson I am thankful because without it I wouldn’t have become aware of what’s truly important. I have learnt a lot.

    I challenge the label ‘mental health’ for depression. In my experience it is an imbalance of emotions. Just as aggressors can’t control their anger people can become depressed and unable to control their sadness.

    I also reject medication, I don’t think numbing ourselves to the horrors of this existance is the answer. Instead, I get through each day by telling myself that in the end none of this matters, this is just a circus ring with clowns and performers and I’m just watching the show. Sometimes I get caught up in the drama but what matters is that I don’t see it as permanent, after this life I will have evolved significantly and be able to choose a pleasant lesson next time. Whilst others who have it easy now may have to choose a tough lesson next time in order to progress.

    I have become a recluse and that helps, since when I am not amongst the chaos I am not getting involved or bein affected.

    I find going to work the most challenging as I am trapped and can’t escape when I need to. Plus, my soul is so repelled by the stupidity of even having to work and take part in a defunct system created by ignorant lost souls.

    I also reject positive thinking and the notion that ‘what you send out you will receive’. If I took on that view I might as well believe in magic too. Abracadabra! If that concept were accurate I wouldn’t be here now as most of my life I’ve wished for it to be over.

    To me, positive thinking only results in big disappointments and loss of hope; I prefer to remain optimistic and try to remain neutral. I believe it is unhealthy to make out something is positive when it clearly is not.

    People want depressed people to be/think positive because it makes ‘them’ feel better. One thing I have learnt is that people feel extremely uncomfortable around someone who is unhappy and they don’t know how to deal with that situation. So, instead of listening, empathising and helping they feed us a bunch of ‘think positive’ mumbo jumbo to give us ‘most of the time’ false hope and put us in better moods that they feel comfortable.

    Here’s logic: If we feel sad there’s a reason, if we feel frustrated there’s a reason, if we feel hopeless there’s a reason, if we’ve been victimised we ARE victims. It makes more sense, to me, to accept reality: to acknowledge and accept the emotion but try to change the situation so the emotion can also change. Suppression and denial of the reality will only make it harder.

    Well, this is all in my opinion and the things I do and think to help me.

    What has been my true blessing in this human life, and the only good that has come into my 46 years here, is my dog. When everyone else deserted me he stayed, when no one else cares he does, when I cry he licks my tears and plays with me to cheer me up, when I feel so much pain I hug him and it dissipates. In him I see a pure evolved soul.

    I believe when my dog was in soul form he/she/it made the sacrifice to come here in animal form to help me get through my life and make it ‘slightly’ bearable. Without him I would have never known love, kindness and loyalty.

    In my lessons I have seen the very dark side of many souls/humans but through my dog I learnt there are some good souls out there and not necessarily in human form …

    In closing, I hope you can find some sense and peace on this journey and know that you are not alone in your struggle. One thing is certain: This life is not permanent. One day this existance will be over and I hope you make it through to the end and can look back and say, ‘I did it!’ with the pride you deserve:)

  17. michael

    The scriptures contain plenty on suffering and afflictions but also speaks of a God of power! God of wonder! a God of comfort and peace. We suffer for years, we can also use it to focus more and more on God and His Word His promises.
    “make us glad according to the days wherein we thou hast afflicted and the and the years wherein we have seen evil”- psalm 90
    Release the wells of life that are within you When you touch God, Heaven will flow through you. Believers have an unlimited supply of the Holy Spirit. Its all about God. What God said. Who God is. Waiting upon God Seeking God. Crying out to GOD. Feeding faith and starving doubts, being careful what you listen to. The answers are therein and are wonderous! mysterious Heavenly
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWSKtoURGAg
    How great is our God/ Gadol Elohai- by Joshua Aaron

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