Staying Alive in a Mad World

ErinUncategorized15 Comments

I’m okay because I have to be, not because I feel that way.

I was close to crisis last week; I didn’t see a reason to go on. My self talk has been saying, “Erin, just shut the fuck up. Stay silent. Disappear. No one will miss you. No one will even notice you aren’t around. Disappearing is the only way to stay safe.”

But dying isn’t safe. Disappearing is equivalent to giving up power, and now is not the time to give up power. We need to be strong together.

The political environment in the US shook the world last week, I randomly almost had to sit on a jury, and everything was TOO FUCKING MUCH but then a beacon of hope arrived: a dear friend in another city offered me Amanda Palmer tickets. I felt reminded me that I’m not alone and that now is certainly not the time to give up.

So I ran and I pushed and here it is, November 15th and I’m still alive, though I have no fucking idea how I’m going to make it through the next few months, I have a really strong habit of keeping going. It’s a good habit to have.

We’re all scared. Even the people who look like they have their shit together really don’t but they are trying their best to do the right things, be strong and brave and be kind and patient.

I wish my mind were stronger right now. I wish I could see the world as “healthy” and “unhealthy” the way I did when I began this blog. But man, life is hard and sometimes the only way to cope is to let go of notions of sanity and insanity and just do your best and hope you land on your feet.

I miss you. I still love you. I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I may swear too much and mess things up and try to disappear and then reappear. I definitely definitely use too many run on sentences.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for standing by me. It means the world. We have each other. No matter what we have each other.

How do you feel today? Do you feel like yourself? If not, can you love yourself anyway, or at least be patient with yourself? Give yourself credit for staying alive. Seriously, it’s an incredible feat.

Two posts in two days. Take that! I’m not disappearing, not ever.

Love Erin

 

ErinStaying Alive in a Mad World

15 Comments on “Staying Alive in a Mad World”

  1. Dave

    The courage you have is something I wish I had more of. I know the feeling of wanting to just give up, but wanting to and doing it are very far apart. Know that every post you do is read many, many times by people who struggle to have the courage you show and I hope to do better, one day at a time. Thanks

  2. kinnery

    erin, you’re one of my absolute favourite people in the entire world (and i know some pretty damn amazing people!), and i feel so lucky to know you. even if you feel like your words are messy, they’re exactly the kind of mess that makes sense to my brain right now, so infinite gratitude for always helping me to feel less alone.
    love you so so much. <3

  3. Julie

    Hang in there! Yes, the world is mad right now, but it’s been here before and I’ve been here before and you’ve been here before.
    j
    If you have nothing else to go on for know that you help a lot of us out here! You really do.

    Thank you,

    Julie

  4. Dani

    Erin, I’m really glad you’re trying hard and sticking with life, as hard as it is. You’re proving to yourself everyday that you can conquer your fears and demons, just by making it thru another day. I too struggle with depression, and other mental health disorders. Past couple of months has been hard for me too. My dad passed away in October and my world turned upside down. There were days I didn’t want to go on, that I didn’t want to live, but for whatever reason I did. Now I am living day to day, grateful for a new day; still grieving my dad but trying to find myself under the mountain of feelings again. It’s not easy, but I can do it, sometimes a minute at a time, then another minute, then the next. I hope this will encourage you. Your posts have encouraged me. Blessings!

  5. Jaykay

    I feel like I am not sure how I really feel. One day I am up and one day I am down. It’s a sad case of the roller-coaster syndrome – up, down and around. Inside this tipsy-turvy world there seems to be some lack of stability. Oh when will it finally end? I know how you feel Erin…. we’ll get through it together like you said.

    http://lonelycanadiangirl.blogspot.ca/

  6. Alix

    Erin, I find myself relapsing and struggling every day or every week or whenever. I love the statement: I do it because I have to. I’ve actually just written a post about it on my blog and then I stumbled upon this one. I feel that a lot of people find that statement negative. But I think it just shows our true (and hard earned) strength that keeps us going through the hard times, that many don’t understand. Will never understand.
    I take pride in that strength and my will to keep going. I hope you do as well.
    Alix (Clinically Okay)
    Here’s my post: http://clinicallyokay.com/i-do-it-because-i-have-to/

    1. Alix

      Hello. I saw on my site that someone used this link yesterday. Which is great! I really appreciate that! However, yesterday my site was under major reconstruction, and I have no idea what that person actually saw. So please come back, there’s still a lot under construction, but the home button now works, and all my posts can now be seen. Sorry and thank you!
      Alix (Clinically Okay)

  7. Rowshan Quema

    Hi Erin. I just discovered your blogs..and I have to say you are my hero. You are so brave for everything you have gone through and for sharing it with the rest of us. When I read your blogs, I feel like I am writing it myself. I see me in you. It’s scary. Alarming. But reading all of what you write somehow makes me feel safe, in knowing I am not the only one going through hell, trying to survive on a minute to minute basis. So..I wanted to stop by and THANK YOU. For being who you are, for being real.

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