Okay, I’m back, in a way. I’ve lost hope of this blog catapulting me into the life I’ve always dreamed of as a paid writer, activist, blah blah blah. I have zero faith in the world anymore.
I’m sure that you’ve guessed that my time away from my blog has been really ugly. Turning away from writing is the worst thing I can do for myself. I didn’t intend to turn away from writing all things, but without you, my audience, I somehow thought there was no point in writing anything at all, ever again.
So why am I here? To save my own life. That’s all.
I have to talk myself up from this awful horrible pit I’m living in, but unless I’m at least pretending that someone else in the world might hear what I have to say, I’m incapable of being kind because I hate myself so much. Does that make any sense?
I won’t let myself kill myself because of the other people I would hurt. I won’t let myself save myself unless I’m also trying to help other people. All I know is that it’s worked before so it can work again.
So I want to die, have no hope, hate everyone and everything. What now? Start small. It doesn’t matter that I’ve slept all day, only woken up to cry and drink Diet Coke and take my dog out. Fuck it, it’s 5pm and I can start out as if it’s 9am. I put on some upbeat music even though I’m not feeling it, not yet.
I put my dog in his crate, and make my bed. I cry and wallow and have a hard time doing this but I fight through it until it’s done.
Then I take a shower, slowly. I get dressed.
My next goals are to eat something healthy and try to go for a walk, even if it’s just behind my house for a few minutes.
Taking care of myself physically is all that matters right now. Screw making money, being a productive member of society, fighting for world peace.
I have to take care of myself. There is no other option, not a safe one. I can’t see beyond today. I can’t. That’s okay. I’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.