Hello, Back to Save Myself

ErinUncategorized43 Comments

Okay, I’m back, in a way. I’ve lost hope of this blog catapulting me into the life I’ve always dreamed of as a  paid writer, activist, blah blah blah. I have zero faith in the world anymore.

I’m sure that you’ve guessed that my time away from my blog has been really ugly. Turning away from writing is the worst thing I can do for myself. I didn’t intend to turn away from writing all things, but without you, my audience, I somehow thought there was no point in writing anything at all, ever again.

So why am I here? To save my own life. That’s all.

I have to talk myself up from this awful horrible pit I’m living in, but unless I’m at least pretending that someone  else in the world might hear what I have to say, I’m incapable of being kind because I hate myself so much. Does that make any sense?

I won’t let myself kill myself because of the other people I would hurt. I won’t let myself save myself unless I’m also trying to help other people. All I know is that it’s worked before so it can work again.

So I want to die, have no hope, hate everyone and everything. What now? Start small. It doesn’t matter that I’ve slept all day, only woken up to cry and drink Diet Coke and take my dog out. Fuck it, it’s 5pm and I can start out as if it’s 9am. I put on some upbeat music even though I’m not feeling it, not yet.

I put my dog in his crate, and make my bed. I cry and wallow and have a hard time doing this but I fight through it until it’s done.

Then I take a shower, slowly. I get dressed.

My next goals are to eat something healthy and try to go for a walk, even if it’s just behind my house for a few minutes.

Taking care of myself physically is all that matters right now. Screw making money, being a productive member of society, fighting for world peace.

I have to take care of myself. There is no other option, not a safe one. I can’t see beyond today. I can’t. That’s okay. I’ll worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

Erin

ErinHello, Back to Save Myself

43 Comments on “Hello, Back to Save Myself”

  1. D.

    One tiny step at a time, it can get better. Turn on some 21 Pilots for your music, especially “Holding On To You”.

    Take care of yourself as best as you can.

  2. Doug

    Welcome dear Erin. It’s nice to see you writing again. I myself have thought about you when I am in my treatment programs the past couple of months. I have been receiving treatment for my bipolar and depression and anxiaties. I first discovered you when I was at my lowest and needed some reassurance that I was not alone in my darkest thoughts. I found your blog and storytelling so inspirational and heartwarming. My friends say that you write and speak like me. :) When you announced that you were leaving the blog, I was rather sad. But I understood. You are right about one thing…you need to heal yourself. Before you can help others. I have been told this through my therapy and treatment courses. I too am a healer and a helper. Through knowledge and kind people teaching me, I have come to learn this. Keep up the fight Erin, if you need a friend or someone to vent too I am here and I am sure others are as well.. I always have room in my life for angels and sweet people such as your self :) – Doug

  3. Rhonda Galley

    Erin, I’m so sorry that you’re hurting so badly right now… You’ve come so far, so many times, my wish for you is to want it for yourself, just a tiny little bit.

    Stay string, and if you can’t, then please stay safe!

    Love,
    Rhonda xo

  4. Jan

    I’m sorry you’re feeling badly I know that doesn’t help but I have been thinking about you.celebrate everything you do taking a shower eating because you did it . taking care of yourself Is productive Hugs, Jan

  5. Lea

    Hi Erin
    As so many of us out there, I can relate to the way you are feeling. Lately, the best I can do is get out of bed and go for a walk but most days I am unable to do even that. At these times I try to tell myself and believe that my life will always be made of hills and valleys…that even though my life is shit now it will change…that for some reason, the fog will lift a little and I will be able to live a little more like most people. It is hard to believe this…it is a matter of having faith and remembering that this has happened before…there is proof. Have faith Erin…

  6. Dave

    Just know that when I see a post from you it brightens my day because I can see that someone who is dealing with the same crap I am has the courage to keep going.

  7. Tony

    You sound the way I feel a lot. I’m in about 7 meds pretty high doses could care less if I live or die I have a daughter and mother. That’s why I’m alive I sleep every chance I can. Idk

  8. deidre barret

    We are listening and in this struggle with you. Be brave. Collect the good, tiny drops at a time, every little bit fortifies you against the despair and shines into that darkness. Your words have shone into my darkness more than once <3

  9. Killarney

    thank you for coming back. the blog was/is a lifeline for me……
    nice to know other people understood ……. it helped me ….

  10. Mike Bliss

    Glad to see you are back. I always liked reading your posts and they got me through a hard time in my life. Keep writing for you. It doesn’t matter if anyone really reads it. That is a bonus. Concentrate on taking care of you and all other things will fall into place.

  11. Rachel, NZ

    Oops I mean to say ‘your honesty makes me feel LESS alone’ – not good to write when tired.

  12. Rachel, NZ

    Oops I mean to say ‘your honesty makes me feel LESS alone’ – not good to write when tired. Now the computer is telling me I’m writing the same message so it’s an error. Thank goodness I’m a perfectionist in recovery. I used to die of shame when I made a mistake.

  13. Omar

    Good to see you back Erin your writing is very relatable to many people including me. Have your ever tried any natural supplements to help ease your depression? I am a brand ambassador for Brain Feed who do supplements for brain health and performance including 5- htp. Here is a short article on how 5-htp works on depression.

    http://brain-feed.com/how-does-5-htp-work/

  14. Tony

    Hi I’m new to this thread. I post things late at night. Sometimes I make no sense. I’m sure with this group some know about your ambien/seroquel writings. If I do post late don’t read into it that much. Reading things like this blog does make me feel a little better. Best to everyone.

  15. Ela

    I have missed your writing, but I’m sorry you’re writing under such sad circumstances. Nevertheless, I hope you feel better soon.

  16. Ella Macnish

    sending a million <3 and infinity xx you can do it, this living business, and u help others with it to which is pretty amazing

  17. J

    Hooray, you are back! I am so glad you are back, Erin. Someone here whom I care about is feeling very low just now too, and … I just beamed that YOU are walking on…. I don’t know if you can see how strong, how sane you sound. The light you carry through your darkness shines brightly. I am sorry that you suffer so much, and I wish you could share my joy that YOU are there. <3
    I can't help feeling a fizz of joy that you are posting, that you are back, that are putting one foot in front of the other. A fizz of joy at YOU. Please give yourself a virtual hug from me — along with the rest of your readers.

  18. Kay

    So glad you are back! You can be the reason that I start blogging again. I have been silent for far too long with sad crap in my head that I can’t throw off. I now resolve to just write. Anything. Just blog. Take care of yourself bit by bit until you start to believe in a tomorrow. Hope is the best foundation for going on. Even if you think the future is a total fantasy, still hope that SOMETHING will happen that gets you to the next day. Soon you will start to imagine things that could be quite nice. xx

  19. Pingback: Not so bad after all | Up & Down Like the Assyrian Empire!

  20. G

    Erin,
    I’m sorry you feel so down, but I understand. I was feeling hopelessly depressed, but finding your blog and reading your honest post and then the warm and caring responses from your readers have lifted me up just a bit too. Hang in there – try to care for your self. Sometimes tea with honey and reading kids’s books and hugging a stuffed bear (or a real dog) help me. 💗🌺 G.

  21. Dave

    Erin, it may not mean much but tonight was to say the least difficult and while I was trying to get through it I stumbled onto a post you did in 2011. It gave me hope and showed me how to bravely cope with these horrible thoughts I was having. Thank you.

  22. Liza

    How do you have a place to exist and sleep? I’m lucky my family hasn’t thrown me out yet, and my boyfriend hasn’t dumped me yet; but I know Im living on a very fragile string that might snap at any minute leaving me on the street: homeless, starving, ignored by society.

    Im still trying to figure out what I can possibly do to make money regularly in spite of my depression, anxiety, suicidality and other issues. If I can’t figure it out, I’ll surely kill myself, but for now I’m trying.

    Unfurtunately our society doesnt nurture and take care of all its citizens, I wish you the best of luck on your own searching. Take care <3

  23. Andrea Wohner

    From Germany (apologise for clumsy words, wrong grammar, German-syntax): Please keep on writing your blog. I don’t know you personally but every single word you have written feels true to me. Don’t know where you take the energy from to write and share your thoughts. I am working for European Commission funded projects , mental-health related ones.
    My project at the moment is “www.milestone-transitionstudy.eu”. If you feel like being able to say something about TRANSITION issues, please let me know. I would try to invite you – no much money available, though – but travel and accommodation costs should be reimbursable.
    All the best,
    Andrea

  24. Emil

    I’m here. I Found this online and thought I’d give it a try. Feeling sort of lost and wounded. Things from my childhood just won’t leave me alone. Thanks for having a space to share. Clearly my thoughts are all over but I will be dropping in to read from time to time.

  25. Juli

    Hi Erin! I am so glad that you’re back to blogging again! I am feeling many of the same things right now and it’s nice to know that there’s someone else out there who just dreads waking up in the morning to this awful reality of life… at least that’s how it is right now. I am trying to create goals similar for myself… eg. get out of bed go to school be engaged during lectures study eat decent and exercise… and as long as I do most if not all those things… I call it a good day even though I don’t really believe it at this point. I just want you to know that it’s nice to know someone that feels similarly and that I’m not alone… it really helps as awful as that may sound.

  26. Lissy

    Hi Erin, I’m all the way over in the UK and just wanted to say that stumbling across this post this evening has given me enough strength to keep going through the night. I’m amazed at how many people are feeling the same way, when you’re this far down the pit it’s hard to appreciate that you’re not the only one going through it as it’s so consuming and overwhelming, but thank god for the Internet as a distraction technique! I’m still going to bed hoping I don’t wake up, but that’s one step better than what I was thinking half an hour ago. Point is, I’m going to bed, but that’s all.
    If writing your blog is helping you keep going then you MUST keep doing it. You’ve helped me with just one post and from the looks of things are helping many others. This is invaluable and very special.
    Thank You xx

  27. Anonymous

    Erin,
    For the time being Id like to stay mostly anonymous because if anybody in my school found out of my depression it’d be the death of me. I try to maintain a decent profile and I don’t like to show people my true form. This gets difficult, and the results are hard. Everyday for me is hard though. When I’m in class and I despise the sound of the bell signaling that I yet again have to put on my mask to face my peers in the halls. I see a therapists which helps but I’d like another way to express my true self. I was sexually abused as a kid by a person I have to see very often. I am severely depressed but I admire your blog a great deal. Over the course of my life I find it nearly impossible to talk to people, not even my own parents. So I decided I was going to try to make a blog for myself, but I have a few questions on how to start. How should I make my own website, what should I post about, and how do I establish myself so people actually want to read my work? I want people to read it so that they can comment, and contact me. This would make myself feel good but also I know I am not the only one suffering from this, so making relationships to get through it together is what I am hoping to achieve.

    Thanks for taking the time to read this!

    PS. I attached a website that i just made but do not know yet how well it will work.
    PPS if anybody wants to see my new blog it is at https://jblog152.wordpress.com/

  28. Esmé

    Much love from Belgium. There are many things I can say to you, as many before me have already done in the comments. But I’ll just tell you this: keep writing, people care.

  29. lorato

    please don’t stop writing (well I mean, stop if you want to/need too and definitely if you are not safe… but know you are helping me by sharing)

  30. Therapist/Counseling

    I’m a therapist who has had moments just like you where we really needed to speak to someone. I’ve found that talking through our emotional, psychological, or mental issues is one of the best methods of releasing our anger, stress, depression or pain.Feel free to contact me to anyone in need of healing or a friend.

  31. Jess

    I’m thankful that there are blogs that get the discussion going about depression. Its hard for me to want to help myself when I find no worth in myself. How are you finding the strength to want to do something kind for yourself, when the depression just doesn’t let you? I am just existing right now, waiting to become extinct. I hate life, and I don’t trust my own mind, let alone other people. How are you finding the desire to do something when you hate yourself so much?

  32. Linda

    Hello Erin, and warm greetings from Montreal, Canada. I have been struggling with depression for decades now (I just turned 60 on October 27th). 7 months ago I had the worst, deepest, and longest depression I had ever experienced and it got pretty scary. I even lost my appetite for food, didn’t want to eat anything, but thankfully after a couple of months I pulled through. You have a great blog.

  33. Mark

    You’re a strong person Erin. I have never met a more stronger female than you dealing with your issues on a daily basis. I hope you stick it out and pull through because you deserve it. For you to express your thoughts and struggles to the public like that is really brave. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.

  34. Di

    Cheer up. Take a pill. Go for a walk. Come out of your depths and rise. It’s just talk. If you’re sick, your’e sick. No one can help you but yourself. No one else can do it for you. You’re doomed until you don’t want to be. You’re letting this get the best of you, because you want it to get the best of you. At times, I think you enjoy wallowing in your own misery. You could easily turn it all around if you just focused on a better concept, such as that lucky penny in your shoe. You have almost everything you need. Be kind and it will return to you. Just giving myself a pep talk, because I’m completely alone with on one else to talk to. No one else wants to listen to someone else’s misery. At least, that’s what they keep telling me. Let’s suppress those fatal emotions a little more by ignoring them until they explode. Just wishing it would end with a happily ever after…

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