I am so stressed out I feel like I’m going to break and I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about half of what is burdening me so much. I certainly shouldn’t post about it on the internet. I feel bound and gagged.
What feels like the icing on the cake of awfulness is that Canada Post is about to go on strike, so I basically can’t run my Etsy shop because shipping is going to be delayed for weeks and weeks, most likely. I can’t survive on less money but I’m going to have to. My resume was stolen with my laptop. I can recreate it but UGHHH I can barely freaking check my email.
And I’m still in freaking withdrawal from cutting my Cymbalta back three months ago and then returning to my normal dosage two months ago. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. No doctor even believes me about this, because our bodies are “supposed” to reset after two weeks of a specific dosage of medication. I am still in pain head-to-toe, every minute of the day, nauseated, aching in my muscles and my nerves like I’m being struck by lightning.
Seriously, universe, I’m trying to love you but what the hell. Can you just ease up a little bit?I feel exhausted beyond what the world is requiring from me. I’m trying to remember there are daisies amongst the bruises or at least some pop up after the bruises have healed a little, but I feel like my bruises aren’t healing. I feel like my heel is caught in the trapdoor to hell.
I will get through this. I know it. Waiting is the hard part. Acceptance is the hard part. There are so many hard parts!!
I need to start writing fiction again because reality is just too much to take. Is anyone else afraid that letting go of reality will somehow make everything worse when you come back?
Oh, I’m not doing well but oh, I haven’t self-harmed. I’m not in the hospital or suicidal. These are good things. Getting caught up in self-destruction will not help anything. I’m in enough pain already.
If you’re struggling too, remember that there are lots of us in a similar place. I care about you, even if I’m not feeling much like a superhero these days.