Things Are Rough

ErinUncategorized19 Comments

I am so stressed out I feel like I’m going to break and I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about half of what is burdening me so much. I certainly shouldn’t post about it on the internet. I feel bound and gagged.

What feels like the icing on the cake of awfulness is that Canada Post is about to go on strike, so I basically can’t run my Etsy shop because shipping is going to be delayed for weeks and weeks, most likely. I can’t survive on less money but I’m going to have to. My resume was stolen with my laptop. I can recreate it but UGHHH I can barely freaking check my email.

And I’m still in freaking withdrawal from cutting my Cymbalta back three months ago and then returning to my normal dosage two months ago. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. No doctor even believes me about this, because our bodies are “supposed” to reset after two weeks of a specific dosage of medication. I am still in pain head-to-toe, every minute of the day, nauseated, aching in my muscles and my nerves like I’m being struck by lightning.

Seriously, universe, I’m trying to love you but what the hell. Can you just ease up a little bit?I feel exhausted beyond what the world is requiring from me. I’m trying to remember there are daisies amongst the bruises or at least some pop up after the bruises have healed a little, but I feel like my bruises aren’t healing. I feel like my heel is caught in the trapdoor to hell.

I will get through this. I know it. Waiting is the hard part. Acceptance is the hard part. There are so many hard parts!!

I need to start writing fiction again because reality is just too much to take. Is anyone else afraid that letting go of reality will somehow make everything worse when you come back?

Oh, I’m not doing well but oh, I haven’t self-harmed. I’m not in the hospital or suicidal. These are good things. Getting caught up in self-destruction will not help anything. I’m in enough pain already.

If you’re struggling too, remember that there are lots of us in a similar place. I care about you, even if I’m not feeling much like a superhero these days.

Love Erin

 

ErinThings Are Rough

19 Comments on “Things Are Rough”

  1. Suzanne Poitras

    Erin, I feel your pain. Literally. I had some of my worst withdrawal symptoms coming off Cymbalta so I believe you. It’s disappointing when a doctor does not believe how you feel. Just remember I believe you. I don’t want to clog this comments section with “it will get better” and “I’m thinking of you” and “try and look at the positive” because all I can say really is it sucks. It just sucks. I wonder daily what it’s like to not have pain. I’ve been saying for years I want to start writing about my experience but I’m chicken, a coward. Maybe someday. For now I’ll send you virtual superhero meows from my cat Cora. That makes no sense I know, but maybe it will make you smile.

  2. Jan

    Hugs Erin
    I mentioned to my therapist that you having a bad time. even though she does not know you and you do not know her she feels much compassion for you I know that that doesn’t do much for your situation but I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone and people love you and they’re thinking of you
    Jan

  3. Jan

    I believe you. Every body reacts differently to medication and just because our symptoms don’t fall into the norm doesn’t mean that it’s not real I don’t know why more medical personnel don’t understand this. while that being believed and validated doesn’t take away the pain ,at least it gives a bit more comfort at least for me it does anyway

  4. Hanna

    I’m sorry for your suffering and I feel for you right now. I’m in the process of getting help for my anxiety and depression and your blog inspires a lot of strength and is greatly appreciated. Sending you positive vibes through the universe.

  5. Rachel

    No one is allowing me to feel what I’m going through right now. I feel so devalued because of it. I don’t feel like I can say that to my crowd.
    I’m sorry things are crapping on you right now.

  6. Andrenid

    Hey Erin! Andrenid here. I just want to let you know that even when you’re feeling down and stuff somehow talking about it and even sometimes cannalizing it (i dont know if thats even a word lol) through art and filtering your pain through that works wonders. Atleast for me everytime you talk about the things you are battling through, doesnt matter how hard it is, you are still keeping yourself strong and tall. And for some of us that effort and act of bravery is enough for us to believe that we can too pass through the storm. I’ve been back to withdrawal again this days but thanks to you I’ve been practicing a lot to not let this make me a slave. Ive seen a lot of improvement and I’m so proud of myself and glad that I have a friend that even from afar is not letting her succumb to anything and serve as lighthouse for does who have no idea how to deal with all of this. So from the little peace I have gather myself lately I will share it with you and send lots of good vibes so you can keep battlling that mf hehe. WE kick ass, not depression to us. And even when it does, we come back more stronger than ever before. Keep holding tight girl. You got this!

  7. Sly

    Hi Erin. I recently discovered your blog and feel what you’re going through. I’ve been in a bad place several times in the past and just starting to come out of the last one now. Your words really help to know I’m not alone and give me encouragement. I’m sure it’s the same for many more of your readers as well. Thank you for writing.

    When I’m in deep two phrases seem to help a little and I’m sure you’ve heard before but it helps if we’re reminded, “This too shall pass eventually and hopefully soon.” and “When you’re going through hell, keep going. Don’t linger to smell the shit.”

  8. Julie

    Thank you! Me, too, to so much of what you posted. I’m trying to breathe more and eat better. Not succeeding, but working on it!

  9. Ann

    Sending you love from Chile! I’ve followed your blog for awhile now and I am so sorry about everything you’ve been through but so glad you keep writing. Big, big hug, wish I could do something to help.

  10. R

    Just thinking; is it a possibility that you have your resume in your sent folder in your mail. When I have applied to jobs it’s often through mail.

    Hope you feel better. It probably doesn’t help but I empathize greatly. It hasn’t been easy for me the last weeks/months (my depression got way worse and I have started having semi serious suicide thoughts- which I haven’t had before. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do it). This was rambling. Anyways..

  11. H

    Just to let you know I read your posts…have felt your pains…it sucks.
    Most people I know think it’s as simple as giving yourself a pep talk, taking a shower, and getting some sunshine. Some days it is that easy…but the days that it’s not…most people don’t understand. Sending you some virtual peace.

  12. Stewart

    As someone who wrote all of their friends a suicide note this week, maybe I am not the right person to give advice. I was stalked and cyber bullied by several people for many days, and I just had enough. I am an expat in a Middle East country and cannot afford to attempt suicide here. If I tried and failed, there would be terrible consequences. I planned to fly out to kill myself but had no energy to get the airplane. It passed.

    Anyway, I am not here to give advice. Just to support you and suggest you follow your heart here. Firstly, the doctor’s attitude is ridiculous. We are all different and no one’s body is “supposed” to do things in the same way as anyone else’s. It’s horrible being on certain meds and it’s tougher coming off them. But if it’s the right thing to do for you, do it, but maybe more slowly.

    Secondly, writing is a gift you have, and escaping from reality into a world you create with all your heart, body and soul is probably the single best thing you can do.

    Most importantly, you do not need ANYONE’S permission to post anything you like on the Internet. Every single person has the right to an opinion and to express their feelings. If it helps you (and I know it helps me) just do it. Let it flow. You are not forcing anyone to read it.

    I am a writer, editor and publisher. If you want any help, advice or someone to read your stuff for feedback, just reach out, and I shall always be here (but please bear in mind the time difference for replies).

    Depressed people are stronger than people who never fought this darkness. And you are one of the strong ones. I admire you very much. Lots of love from Dubai.

  13. KK

    I feel you. I’m in a dark place again, and while I’m not feeling suicidal, I’m definitely not feeling alive. I want to self-harm so badly but my self-control is keeping it in check, thank god.
    We will get through this together.

  14. Mar

    Your blog has been enormously helpful to me before and I wish I could help you as well. Stay strong! It feels lonely, but many of us are going through the same thing. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

  15. Chelly Rainbow

    Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve been searching for a blog to follow for months, and I just came across yours tonight. Reading this, I honestly feel as though I could have written it myself. Lately, I’ve been struggling with talking about my depression and anxiety because it just seems to make so many people react negatively. And I couldn’t find a blog that talked about what I was feeling. I felt like I was the only one. And that maybe there was a reason for that. Maybe it meant, I really wasn’t supposed to put it out there. That my blog really was a problem. But seeing this, and reading it is so encouraging. I know that I’m not alone in having hard times. I know that I’m not the only one who feels bound and gagged by the pressure to keep it all in. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  16. Mark

    Alot of persons can relate to you even if they are not going through the exact same thing you are going through. In life there are definitely ups and downs, some have it harder than others and that’s a fact. Just focus on the things that you can control in your life right now and leave the things that you cannot to control whether to the universe, god etc. That’s what have helped me and others as well. :)

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