My Heart Broken and Entered

ErinLife Events21 Comments

I need to tell you what happened. It’s part of healing, telling your story. This story is hard to tell.

I’ve had two major blows to my heart in the last month. First, my family dog, Milo, suddenly died. When my dad called me to tell me, I screamed and pounded the walls, dove onto my bed and wailed, “WHY!?!?” until I was hoarse. I raised Milo. He was only ten. He had a heart attack.

Barely a week later, someone broke into my apartment and stole all of my belongings with any monetary value. Worst of all, they took my laptop and my external hard drive. In doing so, they took my whole art portfolio, all my saved writing, fifteen years worth of music, all my photos (including those of Milo), my Etsy shop files…everything.

The things stolen were more than material possessions to me. They were part of my story, the story that makes up my identity, my heart, my soul. I bought that laptop to give me something to hang on to when all I wanted was to end my life. It was a symbol of my commitment to keeping going. It was my anchor.

Since the break-in, I’ve obviously been impeded from posting, but I’ve also been too scared to write here. I feel so violated and traumatized. My apartment does not feel safe. My appetite is gone, I can’t sleep, all of my symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder are front and centre again. I spend a lot of time snuggling one of Milo’s blankets and crying.

I’m still in withdrawal from decreasing my antidepressant, even though I’ve been back on my original dosage for almost a month now. My muscles still ache constantly, head-to-toe.

I will recover from these things. I will adapt and maybe even grow, but for now, in these early days, I am really struggling. Feeling safe again is going to take time.

I could really use your help right now, whether it’s some supportive words in a comment, a few dollars in my hat (you can find my donation link at the bottom of my sidebar), or just some positive energy sent out into the universe.

No matter what I will keep writing. My posts may be down to the bare-bones with imagery and whatnot for a bit but I know it’s the words that matter most. Our connection matters most. Thank you for bearing this with me.

Love Erin

 

 

ErinMy Heart Broken and Entered

21 Comments on “My Heart Broken and Entered”

  1. Natasha

    Oh Erin I’m so sorry!! My heart ached for you reading your post, I would be equally devastated and I wish there were magic words to help!

    Since there are not, I will be sending positive vibes to you! It will take some time to get through this but I believe you have the fight in you to get you through. xoxox

  2. Jenn tazzi

    Erin,

    I’m so sorry to hear of what has happened. I hope that each day brings more healing for you and I send love and caring.
    Xo
    Jenn

  3. D.

    I’m very sorry for all of your losses. Hang in there until you feel better. I know it’s hard, but you can get through it.

  4. Ellen

    It’s horrible, people who do these things have no care or understanding of the devastating impact these crimes have on victims.

    But no matter what the tragedy, whether it is a break-in, flood, earthquake or the discovery that the man you love is nothing but a thieving conman, the effect is the same: feelings of loss, heartbreak, trauma.

    These things happen to us, to many of us. It is not fair, it is not right, but take heart in the fact that you are not alone, that many of us all over the world have to pick ourselves up and rebuild our lives.

    And also remember that, despite it being so unjust, what these people do is not personal. They are not thinking of you or wanting to do this to YOU, they are meeting their own needs. Maybe they are addicts, maybe they have been raised by abusive, twisted parents, maybe they are sociopaths.

    And (again I know this is going to sound harsh), but now, more than ever is a time to be grateful. You have your wonderful website where you have captured some of your thoughts and history and through this medium (and hopefully through your friends and family) you will receive the love and support you need going forward. Use them as much and as often as you need. I know throughout my own experience, support from friends or strangers kept me sane. Sometimes it was just a few kind words that got me through a tough day.

    Sending you much positive energy.

    Ellen

  5. Michelle Louise

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss! Animals are a precious part of our lives, and artistic expression makes up a huge part of us. Thank you for being brave enough to share. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this season, hoping all comfort for you and grace to continue putting one step in front of the other. Don’t stop writing and never give up. Your courage means so much to us!

  6. Sue

    I’m soooo sorry! I lost my kitty too a few weeks back. Devastating!
    And, to have your possessions taken is an awful violation. Bigs hugs!!!

  7. Sheila

    Erin, Keep your head up and be strong..you are a beautiful writer, I love reading your posts..You are soo brave..I admire you!! I also suffer from depression at times i know the fight.. Have you tried your local pawn shops,or a traders mart if they have them in your area…God bless you..

  8. Helen Jones

    Oh my gosh thats some nasty stuff and on top of withdrawal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Words from a stranger can feel disingenuous but my heart goes out to you and I wanted to let you know I had read it. It’s a lot to deal with, be gentle with yourself

  9. Stewart

    Poor Erin, what terrible blows so close to each other, probably among the worst things that could have happened. I have suffered depression for most of my adult life, am a passionate animal lover and a writer, so can relate to just how you must feel.

    I tend to handle things in a similar way to you, and your reaction to these setbacks shows great inner strength. You are able to cry, face up to what’s happened AND share your feelings. Sharing is healing, and a few have criticised my outpourings on Facebook but many more people – and all the good ones – have been supportive. You have some lovely followers here.

    You know somewhere deep down that your love for Milo was real and precious, and he will always be in your heart, and you will be in his wherever his spirit or energy has gone. And you know that one day another little one will come into your life – when you are ready – who needs your love.

    You know you will rebuild your portfolio. No pathetic, nasty burglar can take your talent and passion away.

    You know all of these things. My depression has caused much suffering to me and to people close to me but I take some considerable comfort from the fact that it has made me a kinder person who has travelled more deeply into the human experience.

    Hang in there. The sun will shine tomorrow, and so will you. Take care.

  10. stancie

    Wowwwwwwww Erin my heart is broken for u. i will keep u lifted in prayer. my condolences for u about ur dog. I now all to well about being violated. my last house burglarized 2 times and they stole my husband’s hard drive with all his djing music, so it put him out of business until he can re build it. Im happy u shared ur story with us, but from experience i know how hard it is to open up about ur life.

  11. kaylee

    When it rains it poors. I totally have a understanding of that. One thing that helps me is the thought of “I’m not the only one.” Some one else out there is going through the same thing. Something good always comes out of the bad. I am so sorry someone so rude and unhappy needed to come steal your heart and soul. And karma will get them, trust me. Just keep chugging along, and never give up. I think about you constantly and hope your doing alright at least. Keep your head up high. Remember I’m here to talk. <3

  12. Roma

    I’m so sorry. I wish I could help find your stuff. I hope you get everything back soon. I’m sending you some positive energy and a massive hug.

  13. Doug

    Hello Erin :)
    You dont know me. But I have been reading your blog for a year or more.
    I was diagnosed 3 years ago with bipolar and depression along with social anxiety. So much to handle. I am 42 and feel so alone.
    When i came across your blog and writing i wad thsnkful. You are very descriptive and so enlightening.
    I too enjoy writing. I do mostly poetry and when i am not being beaten down by my demons i am currently writing a book.
    Upon reading your post i couldnt help but feel many of the same feelings. My PC and tablet are my whole world for writing. And if something dire should happen to them id be devestated.
    I feel when we write our most inner most personal thoughts and share them we unknowingly become friends. Because we can relate and feel for each other.
    Erin it would be my honour to with your permission i would like to donate to you my extra Acer Netbook.
    I know i cant replace your memories..but..maybe this will help keep you going.
    If this will put a smile on your face and make your life brighter…than so be it.
    Send me an email and we can talk.
    All the best to you and everyone who enjoys your site.
    Doug from Oshawa

    1. Stewart

      Well, Doug, you certainly brought a smile to my face. What a lovely, kind act. We are not alone when we can come to sites like this where like-minded people facing similar (never exactly the same) demons can support each other. I’m a writer too, finally managing to restart my career after years of being paralysed by depression.

      And Erin, I hope today is a good day for you and that kindness like Doug’s will help to lift your spirit.

  14. kinnery

    my sweet friend, i know things have been incredibly difficult for you lately. i don’t have many words for you right now, but i hope you know that i love you with all my heart and i’m here for you no matter what. <3

  15. Donovan

    I am so sorry that happened to you. I’ve had depression for a while now, but I only just opened a blog and began to write about it the other day. It’s not easy opening up to the world, and I truly admire your courage. Not everyone understands how difficult depression can be, but there are those who do, and you will always be able to find support. Never give up.

  16. Misa

    I am so sorry! That’s horrible! I know that you will get through it because you are the strongest person I know! You are so strong Erin!
    I am sorry for my English. I want to thank you for your blog because it helped me a lot!
    I don’t feel so alone. This blog was my only little light in my deepest part of depression (except my family). I was in my bed most of the time and I was so scared but I kept trying to read this blog. I am 21 and I am struggling from age of 14.
    I have discovered you last year and I didn’t kill myself. I often started to feel a little hope with you so I kept reading and than I went to hospital to get better. I still have depression, anxiety disorder and social phobia and I live in pain every day but I keep fighting or at least I am trying to fight and I keep trying to find things which would make me feel better. I will start 9-month therapeutic community treatment program for BPD soon.
    So I just wanted to say how amazing you are! You are amazing strong human being and I want to thank you so much! I really admire you.
    I am sending you as much light and love as I can with unicorns and rainbows. x

  17. Wendy Love

    This is a tough blow! I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. And grieving for your dog first, then the break-in, tough combination.
    Add in depression and well, it is downright depressing!
    Prayer doesn’t change what has already happened but it may change what will happen next.
    Don’t give up, I am praying for you right now.

  18. Harmony

    I’m so incredibly sorry. I would be gutted at that loss.

    I feel so much of what you feel. You aren’t alone. Keep writing. Your best sentences, your greatest photographs, are yet to be.

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