I need to tell you what happened. It’s part of healing, telling your story. This story is hard to tell.
I’ve had two major blows to my heart in the last month. First, my family dog, Milo, suddenly died. When my dad called me to tell me, I screamed and pounded the walls, dove onto my bed and wailed, “WHY!?!?” until I was hoarse. I raised Milo. He was only ten. He had a heart attack.
Barely a week later, someone broke into my apartment and stole all of my belongings with any monetary value. Worst of all, they took my laptop and my external hard drive. In doing so, they took my whole art portfolio, all my saved writing, fifteen years worth of music, all my photos (including those of Milo), my Etsy shop files…everything.
The things stolen were more than material possessions to me. They were part of my story, the story that makes up my identity, my heart, my soul. I bought that laptop to give me something to hang on to when all I wanted was to end my life. It was a symbol of my commitment to keeping going. It was my anchor.
Since the break-in, I’ve obviously been impeded from posting, but I’ve also been too scared to write here. I feel so violated and traumatized. My apartment does not feel safe. My appetite is gone, I can’t sleep, all of my symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder are front and centre again. I spend a lot of time snuggling one of Milo’s blankets and crying.
I’m still in withdrawal from decreasing my antidepressant, even though I’ve been back on my original dosage for almost a month now. My muscles still ache constantly, head-to-toe.
I will recover from these things. I will adapt and maybe even grow, but for now, in these early days, I am really struggling. Feeling safe again is going to take time.
I could really use your help right now, whether it’s some supportive words in a comment, a few dollars in my hat (you can find my donation link at the bottom of my sidebar), or just some positive energy sent out into the universe.
No matter what I will keep writing. My posts may be down to the bare-bones with imagery and whatnot for a bit but I know it’s the words that matter most. Our connection matters most. Thank you for bearing this with me.