It isn’t Smarch anymore, it’s Smapril, but you officially have my permission to add make up your own words (or steal from The Simpsons) until it stops snowing. Smarch sucked! And Smapril is off to a crappy start, but hey, we’re still here.
Today’s post is all about finding the small things to keep you going when life is all crappy. I’m sharing some secrets, some songs, some hope. I hope to make you laugh a little and feel stronger about the times you cry and somehow format this thing all right with my laptop screen dimmed to the lowest brightness possible.
Firstly, however, a giant THANK YOU to those of you who donated to Daisies and Bruises following my last post. It means a lot to me that this blog means something to you. We’re all in this together. If you’d still like to support our mission to restore hope and make life easier, here’s the button again!
Smarch for me was full of stress. Someone I care(d) for very deeply got very sick very suddenly and passed away. A good friend got into deep water, I found myself taking care of a Great Dane named Dug, and what else? Oh, on Easter I hid dried soy nuts around my street for squirrels because I could. Then I went inside and kicked myself for not hiding more near my windows so I could least watch the squirrels get all excited. Live and learn, right?
Some of you may remember that a few posts ago I started talking about going off my antidepressants. This is continuing, as it does I’m looking for signs that I’m still alive or creative or surviving. One thing that’s been revived during this process is my love of music. I can stand to listen to it again because I am in slightly less headache pain. Thank goodness.
I love music so so much, but between you and me it’s the only art form I refuse to play with. Meet me in real life and I can sing you some interesting camp songs but that’s about it, and don’t expect me to sing in tune. Ever.
At the beginning of Smarch I found myself listening to a song called Suicide Hotline by the Prettiots and I realized that I have a bit of a sense of humour with my struggles and how essential that is.
Woolf took a dip with some rocks in her pockets
I’d say comparatively, I’ve got a bad case of the fuck it’s
It’s not that bad and I’m told I’ll be fine
But it feels like shit right now, so just let me whine
I’m not fine but I’ll be okay
I probably won’t kill myself today
It’s not the best written song in the world but it’s catchy. Sometimes catchy is good. And I haven’t been fine but I will be okay. I can’t promise for an awesome tomorrow, or that any of us will even be here tomorrow, but for today I’ve got this.
Speaking of camp songs, if you know me EXTRA well, some of the camp songs I know the words to include bible camp songs. If you watch the Simpsons with me during Smarch I just might know the words to the songs Rod and Todd next door sing.
Last night I heard a song that resonated with me right away. I’m not a religious person (any more) but I heard the lyrics to this one and thought, “Wow, this sounds like a prayer.” A prayer for a positive future, for a holding a candle to the past while being determined for a better tomorrow. I’ve been listening to it on repeat.
For all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I doubt
For all of the bruises that I’ve caused and the tears
For all of the things that I’ve done all these years
Yeah, for all of the sparks that I’ve stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt
I’ll be good, I’ll be good
And I’ll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I’ll be good, I’ll be good
For all of the times I never could.
The past sucks, and sometimes April is a Smapril. It’s going to be another week before spring weather returns here in Ontario but it’s coming back. The sun stays out later every single day. We need to hang on to hope for spring, hope for warmth, and try our best for today. When we go to bed tonight we can say we tried our hardest to do right, to do well, to hold on.
Life is never ever perfect, but art and giggles and hope, in whatever form we can find, well, all those things can add up to being enough. Enough to keep going. If we keep going and try our best, every day is worth it.
Thank you for being part of my today and tomorrow.