Good-Bye Smarch, Hello Smapril

ErinDay-to-Day Life9 Comments

lousy-smarch-weather-600x400Yay I’m writing!! *HUGS*

It isn’t Smarch anymore, it’s Smapril, but you officially have my permission to add make up your own words (or steal from The Simpsons) until it stops snowing. Smarch sucked! And Smapril is off to a crappy start, but hey, we’re still here.

Today’s post is all about finding the small things to keep you going when life is all crappy. I’m sharing some secrets, some songs, some hope. I hope to make you laugh a little and feel stronger about the times you cry and somehow format this thing all right with my laptop screen dimmed to the lowest brightness possible.

Firstly, however, a giant THANK YOU to those of you who donated to Daisies and Bruises following my last post. It means a lot to me that this blog means something to you. We’re all in this together. If you’d still like to support our mission to restore hope and make life easier, here’s the button again!

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Smarch for me was full of stress. Someone I care(d) for very deeply got very sick very suddenly and passed away. A good friend got into deep water, I found myself taking care of a Great Dane named Dug, and what else? Oh, on Easter I hid dried soy nuts around my street for squirrels because I could. Then I went inside and kicked myself for not hiding more near my windows so I could least watch the squirrels get all excited. Live and learn, right?

Some of you may remember that a few posts ago I started talking about going off my antidepressants. This is continuing, as it does I’m looking for signs that I’m still alive or creative or surviving. One thing that’s been revived during this process is my love of music. I can stand to listen to it again because I am in slightly less headache pain. Thank goodness.

I love music so so much, but between you and me it’s the only art form I refuse to play with. Meet me in real life and I can sing you some interesting camp songs but that’s about it, and don’t expect me to sing in tune. Ever.

At the beginning of Smarch I found myself listening to a song called Suicide Hotline by the Prettiots and I realized that I have a bit of a sense of humour with my struggles and how essential that is.

Woolf took a dip with some rocks in her pockets
I’d say comparatively, I’ve got a bad case of the fuck it’s
It’s not that bad and I’m told I’ll be fine
But it feels like shit right now, so just let me whine

I’m not fine but I’ll be okay
I probably won’t kill myself today

It’s not the best written song in the world but it’s catchy. Sometimes catchy is good. And I haven’t been fine but I will be okay. I can’t promise for an awesome tomorrow, or that any of us will even be here tomorrow, but for today I’ve got this.

Speaking of camp songs, if you know me EXTRA well, some of the camp songs I know the words to include bible camp songs. If you watch the Simpsons with me during Smarch I just might know the words to the songs Rod and Todd next door sing.

Last night I heard a song that resonated with me right away. I’m not a religious person (any more) but I heard the lyrics to this one and thought, “Wow, this sounds like a prayer.” A prayer for a positive future, for a holding a candle to the past while being determined for a better tomorrow. I’ve been listening to it on repeat.

For all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I doubt
For all of the bruises that I’ve caused and the tears
For all of the things that I’ve done all these years
Yeah, for all of the sparks that I’ve stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt

I’ll be good, I’ll be good
And I’ll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I’ll be good, I’ll be good
For all of the times I never could.

The past sucks, and sometimes April is a Smapril. It’s going to be another week before spring weather returns here in Ontario but it’s coming back. The sun stays out later every single day. We need to hang on to hope for spring, hope for warmth, and try our best for today. When we go to bed tonight we can say we tried our hardest to do right, to do well, to hold on.

Life is never ever perfect, but art and giggles and hope, in whatever form we can find, well, all those things can add up to being enough. Enough to keep going. If we keep going and try our best, every day is worth it.

Thank you for being part of my today and tomorrow.

 LoveErin

ErinGood-Bye Smarch, Hello Smapril

9 Comments on “Good-Bye Smarch, Hello Smapril”

  1. Roddg

    Hi Erin. How are you going?
    As always, one more post that helps me to continue in this path! Thanks for make me laugh a little bit. I really want to support your blog with some money, but I am from Brazil and we are struggling with recession. Your blog really means a lot to me and I wish I could help more.
    I enjoyed the songs, the “suicide hotline” is kinda funny haha. I remember one music from Epica called ”unleashed”, and my favorite part is ”freedom for me is all I am really waiting”. Freedom from this suffering that is overwhelming me. Anyway, you are helping me to get through this thing! Thank you :)

  2. Courtney

    Your writing ‘sounds’ like you are feeling better, even if only a little! Music is so important.

  3. Tom

    Hi Erin,

    It’s funny that you mentioned, “…finding the small things to keep you going when life is all crappy.” As I read, I thought if I find enough small things, they will turn into big things that overturn the crappiness. Smay is around the corner. I hope the crappiness ends by then.

    Here is a youtube video that helped me a lot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASY9V_iv8WA

  4. Juli

    I stare ahead and there is nothing to see. I’m looking for something…an answer…some hope…the dream…a spark of something…it’s not there. I try to to move forward and pick myself up. I know the things to do… exercise, don’t drink, eat healthy, talk to other people, don’t isolate yourself, don’t feel shame, meditate, pray… that all seems too hard! I don’t want to be this way, maybe music will help…I’ll turn that on, maybe if I get my house picked up I’ll feel better, maybe if I just exercise for 10 minutes my mood will come up, maybe if I just tell someone…. but they don’t understand…and they give me more pressure and the expectations are exhausting me more…why isnt my medication working now? Is this because I’m a bad person? What if they don’t give me a second chance? Why can’t he love me and want to pursue ME and be with ME all the time…instead of me wanting that more than him? Why so much loss? Why so much societal expectations? Why so little time for ourselves? How do we heal with no downtime? Why all the worry? Why can’t I just be happy and fun loving? I want to be the life of the party…that person that jumps out of bed, and is excited for the day to start, and works out, and has breakfast already ready, and groceries in the fridge, extra kitty litter and cat food on hand at all times, everything is organized, performing well at work, not always trying to get out of things and feeling paranoid about it. What if they catch on that I am not really as good as I pretend to be? It’s as though we’re hamsters on the wheel…, and I know…lots of us feel that way…
    Please give me another chance.
    There are people who I love and can’t be around…that hurts, and I feel sadness, and rejection, and pain. I feel judged by him …he is so entangled in his need to be near his parents and his hyper focus on the perfect financial situation…I’m not perfect… Or am I just not the one?
    This hurts too much…it hurts too much…it has always hurt too much… too much.

  5. Denice

    Since experiencing a traumatic event in November of 2015 (ruptured AAA), my life has changed dramatically. I’ve never thought about grief and pain the way I do now. I’ve been put on Cymbalta and Xanax. They both seem not to work for the moods but the Cymbalta definitely helps with the nerve pain and numbness in my leg. Sometimes I just want to throw away all the medications I’ve been put on since the surgery but if I do…I’ll likely die. My kids still need me. There are things I haven’t completed…and want to. I’m now 42 years old and have to find a new career path. I went from doing 200 jump ropes in the morning to not being able to jump over the rope once! Not once! It is all so depressing. Thank you for this blog and I will continue to read it.

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