Pain is Present

ErinChronic Pain15 Comments

Emergency Department Visit #135

Emergency Department Visit Number One Million

Migraines and depression go hand-in-hand. They often occur together, one starting the other. Migraines are also a result of severe trauma, physical or emotional or both. All of this pain I’m in with my migraines is reminding me of the immobility of depression, how stranded I felt, how abandoned by life.

I am so fed up. I am in so much pain. It’s been six months of intolerable migraines. I’m sick of talking about them, I’m sick of hearing everyone’s ideas of what I “should” do to fix them, I’m sick of them getting in the way of me living my life. I’m sick of being sick.

I have a neurologist who is helping me a lot. He’s going to help me fix these migraines for good, I know it, I just can’t wait any longer. But I have to. I have to wait. I have to stop beating myself up for being in pain. Depression is not my fault, migraines are not my fault.

And yet I’m hiding from the world. I’m not writing, I’m not on Facebook, I’m not going out. I feel like I’m in hell.

But wait. Just wait. Pain is present. Pain is now, screaming at me. It’s affecting how cohesive this post is and I hate that!! Ugh but ERIN, STOP.

Okay, I’m breathing. Listen: when your now is all that you can think about, when it hurts beyond all reasoning, it’s easy to think that your future can bring nothing but more pain and suffering. Recognize that. Recognize the screaming parts of you and let them scream. Let them scream their hearts out until you’re exhausted and can’t fight anymore. Then you can breathe.

I feel literally crazy right now. I hate this post! I hate everything! But that’s okay. It’s okay.

I have to stop comparing myself to others. Stop wishing things were different, stop fighting against the current and let myself drift. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m going somewhere.

Change is the only constant. Remember that.

I’m here. You’re here. We have today, even if it hurts.

I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll try not to be so silent, even if it makes for messy writing. Thank you for being patient with me.

I just titled this post, Pain is Present. WOW. Talk about paradigm shift! Pain may be the worst present we’ll ever receive, but maybe it’s still a gift. Pain is present. Hold it. Own it. Release it.


ErinPain is Present

15 Comments on “Pain is Present”

  1. kinnery

    pain and illness can be sooo frustrating, especially on top of mental illness. it’s beyond frustrating. it’s debilitating. hospital visits are exhausting, especially when you have to try to advocate for yourself when you feel least able. not being well enough to enjoy things makes you feel even worse. there’s so much that’s so hard to deal with.

    but you’re dealing with it SO well. you’re coping with so much and i’m incredibly proud of you and inspired by you. thank you for voicing your pain. i love you so very much.

  2. Annette

    Even when it is random ramblings, I still appreciate reading your thoughts. Pain is present even if it is only for the simple fact that we are alive to feel it. You’re still at the top of my list for when I get my magic wand! {{hugs}}

  3. Tamar Sloan

    Good on you Erin, keep going! It’s inspiring to read that as you hate where you are and hate what you are feeling, you are doing something that is valuable and helpful. By writing this post you are not self-isolating, by writing this post you are talking about acceptace, by writing this post you are talking about light in the future. Amazing.

    Keep going.

  4. Jan

    You may not feel wonderful but you are wonderful.
    The post is great too.
    Because it’s how you really feel and somewhere, someone reading it may feel less alone because they thought they were the only ones feeling that way.
    I hope you feel better really soon.
    Peace and Prayers ,Jan

    Ps. Just take care of you and do what feels good to you

  5. hopeforsanity

    I read an article in the LFP today that made me think of DEJ and then of you and I came to find your blog.
    Funny that migraines have been plaguing me as well recently after having improved for quite a long time since my separation. Migraines are EVIL. I send you much sympathy and empathy.
    Stress is a huge trigger for me too. I hope you feel better very soon. Chronic pain can make everything seem very overwhelming. Hang in there. I think of you often and wish you well with everything.
    I do miss you. things for me are 180 degree different. Recovery is a long road though.
    Your blog is amazing as always! :) Much hope and miracles to you!

  6. Lisa

    I’ve noticed myself when I have days filled with depression, the very next day I have a migraine. I want you to know how much I look forward to your posts (not trying to make you feel like you have to write all the time) – I just want you to know that you fill me with hope. I so hope you feel better soon. And I am being very honest here – I think you are adorable – so cute and vibrant. Why can’t we just see ourselves as we really are rather than who we aren’t. Hugs and love to you.

  7. John

    There is hope. Hope is what we live by and destine for. Going for a walk and observing all the colors as possible has helped me some. good luck.

  8. J

    Erin, this is beautiful, as always.
    Thank you for *your* patience. Thank you for your patience to love and to endure and to wait, and for your willingness to reach out to try to receive every present as a gift, even when it is so hard.
    Thank you for your example, for your presence and companionship on the journey of life.
    I really hope your neurologist finds his way to helping you more palpably, soon!
    Don’t worry about not writing or hiding when that is what you need. Look after yourself. Like so many other people, I think you are doing brilliantly – not because I don’t hear that there are major problems, but because you can still hold onto the patience, the love, the hope and the gratitude in the midst of them — even if it is only for the moment when you write this, or for some of the moments in the day. Thank you, and bless you.

  9. Kate

    Hi Erin,

    In many ways you and I must be very different people. I am from a different generation, practically another planet, being a stay at home mum of three, nearly 44 years old, wondering what happened to the well educated girl with qualifications, experience, potential. I have never written a blog or replied to anyone else’s and I am not a social media gal.

    And yet, when I discovered your blog after searching something like ‘surviving depression and anxiety’ I was blown away by how beautifully and eloquently you wrote of things I have cloistered away my whole life. Not understanding depression, for almost ny whole life I have believed myself to be inadequate, not really trying hard enough, or maybe a drama queen.

    I will always be extremely grateful to you for your honest writing. It is said that you can never truly know what goes on in someone else’s mind. But when a person expresses themselves as honestly and in such a well crafted way, it serves to remind how fundamentally similar we are.

    Migraines are so debilitating and yet many see them as just a ‘bad headache’. I’ve had migraines during which I’ve felt like I must have been poisoned in some way. And I’ve wondered whether, if I were to have a stroke, would I even notice? Could the pain be any worse than this migraine? So from a place of empathy, I hope you get the help you need to improve your migraines.

    And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your writing and your intention to be connected with people, even strangers such as myself. Genuinely you have given me courage. Be well. With love from Kate

  10. Eleanor

    You’ve no doubt heard a million remedies for chronic migraines. I suffered chronic migraines. I had CT scans and X-rays. They couldn’t find anything and had no answers. It was talking to my pharmacist on my hundredth visit to buy painkillers, they recommended a beta blocker. It was the second preventative I tried (the other an antihistamine) and it literally saved my life. I haven’t had the kind of migraine I had (nausea, vertigo, crushing pain for a full week) for over two years. I occasionally get a bad headache, worse than my standard headache, that might render me useless for a day. But it’s nothing to what I once suffered. I hope, wish and pray you find your remedy. Sending love

  11. Alex

    Great post about dealing with depression. I think it is important to reach out and seek help wether if you are experiencing severe suicidal feelings or mild depression. Also, its important to seek for non-pharmacological treatments, as the “happiness pills” are only temporary solutions to the problem.

    People need to go to the root of their depression and solve it out from there, not cut of one branch of it because it will eventually grow out again (unfortunatley).

    Good luck with your life, you have my blessings!

  12. Liberty

    I am so sorry your feeling this way, I’ve been checking back and fourth on your blog the past few weeks, I am glad you were able to make a post, I know its probably very difficult for you.
    I too can relate to the Chronic pain, not with the same thing, but I have also been suffering very badly lately and not being able to go out, I know how frustrating it is, i really hope you get it sorted out, stay strong! xx

  13. Amy

    Thank you for sharing in the midst of your pain. I suffered from migraines for many years and I truly believe that depression and migraines are connected somehow. As with depression, it’s impossible for someone that hasn’t experienced it to comprehend the pain. Sending healing prayers your way.

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