Migraines and depression go hand-in-hand. They often occur together, one starting the other. Migraines are also a result of severe trauma, physical or emotional or both. All of this pain I’m in with my migraines is reminding me of the immobility of depression, how stranded I felt, how abandoned by life.
I am so fed up. I am in so much pain. It’s been six months of intolerable migraines. I’m sick of talking about them, I’m sick of hearing everyone’s ideas of what I “should” do to fix them, I’m sick of them getting in the way of me living my life. I’m sick of being sick.
I have a neurologist who is helping me a lot. He’s going to help me fix these migraines for good, I know it, I just can’t wait any longer. But I have to. I have to wait. I have to stop beating myself up for being in pain. Depression is not my fault, migraines are not my fault.
And yet I’m hiding from the world. I’m not writing, I’m not on Facebook, I’m not going out. I feel like I’m in hell.
But wait. Just wait. Pain is present. Pain is now, screaming at me. It’s affecting how cohesive this post is and I hate that!! Ugh but ERIN, STOP.
Okay, I’m breathing. Listen: when your now is all that you can think about, when it hurts beyond all reasoning, it’s easy to think that your future can bring nothing but more pain and suffering. Recognize that. Recognize the screaming parts of you and let them scream. Let them scream their hearts out until you’re exhausted and can’t fight anymore. Then you can breathe.
I feel literally crazy right now. I hate this post! I hate everything! But that’s okay. It’s okay.
I have to stop comparing myself to others. Stop wishing things were different, stop fighting against the current and let myself drift. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m going somewhere.
Change is the only constant. Remember that.
I’m here. You’re here. We have today, even if it hurts.
I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll try not to be so silent, even if it makes for messy writing. Thank you for being patient with me.
I just titled this post, Pain is Present. WOW. Talk about paradigm shift! Pain may be the worst present we’ll ever receive, but maybe it’s still a gift. Pain is present. Hold it. Own it. Release it.