Help Is Hope: Support This Blog

ErinBlog Maintenance4 Comments

The difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough is what you do with the pain. Supporting this blog supports hope for my future.What’s the difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough?

Whatever it is, I’m having one. It hurts a lot.

But I think…I think the difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough is what you do with the pain.

I keep trying to post this – I have since December – but the pressure keeps building in the form of good news.

Daisies and Bruises placed as a nominee for the WEGO Health Activist Awards for 2015. Then a few days ago I got a text from my friends at HealthiNation: the videos I did with them in December just got nominated for an Emmy. Yeah, the Emmy Awards. This little blog is making a splash in TV land. I am so proud!

This is all really good news, but I am cracking. Promotion for this blog is all wonderful. It’s what I want. More viewers and readers means more people helped. That’s what this blog is about.

Yet…my body is telling me that something has to change. My head is screaming at me not only through depression and PTSD and all the issues I’m used to living with, but through migraines. My migraines have gone from bad to worse and I fucking can’t take the pain any more. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been to the ER this month because of the pain and the culprit is stress.

I literally got so stressed a couple of weeks ago that I bled out my eyes. You read that right. Both eyes and my mouth at the same time. Here’s proof, just ask my mom (thanks Mom):


I’ve been to the doctor and everything. I’m not dying. I’m just stressed to my maximum. Something has to change. I have to change.

Daisies and Bruises is here to stay. I’ve never felt so dedicated to one thing in my life. The Art of Living With Depression is alive. I want it to live. I want to live for this.

But I don’t feel like I’m living. I feel like I’m dying.

My migraines need treatment that I can’t afford.

I can’t afford food. I can’t afford my rent.

I can’t afford to work for free unless I also let myself do this one thing that I am so SCARED to do:


And actually let you help me.

I feel like the Queen of Vulnerability here. It’s so ironic because I can write about my suicide attempts far easier than I can talk about me actually surviving in this life I have. I am so sick of talking about my death. I want to talk about my life.

But living costs money. And I hate money…I hate asking for it, using it, putting a dollar value on anything at all because life is so much more than what our bank account tells us.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this work. My post on wishing helped me really think about my future. About what I want. I want to write for a living. I want to travel. I want to change the world.The difference between a breakdown and a breakthrough is what you do with the pain. Supporting this blog supports hope for my future.

But first? First…I need to ask for help. Here.

And as big as my dreams are, the things that would help my stress levels the most are the most basic:

I would like three meals a day. I’d like to afford to not only eat but eat well, as in fruits and veggies and meat and everything my body needs to function. It’s not functioning right now.

Three meals a day would help recovery from my depression. But affording food would help me get there. So would being able to afford some new clothes to fit my healthy body. Nothing fancy, just clothes that fit me.

What next?

I’m not used to asking. But next? I might add a pair of running shoes to that clothing list.

Then I could run with Digby, my dog. Then my depression would get better from the magic of exercise. It’s one of the best and most basic forms of treatment for depression. When my depression benefits from exercise, I’ll write about it here for you.

Beyond three meals a day, some running shoes, and hope for survival – being able to count on paying my bills…security. Safety. HOPE. 

A healthier me. A stronger me. A more secure me would mean more writing. Writing is my most favourite thing in the whole world. Imagine what we could do together if we set our minds to it.

Writing. Writing and writing and speaking.

Traveling to your city to talk about the Art of Living With Depression. Wouldn’t that be cool? Wouldn’t that be real? Wouldn’t that be worth looking forward to? Living for?

We need to fight depression together. I need your help.

If you can’t help me financially, I totally totally get it. We’re all struggling to survive. And I’m going to write for you forever, whether you can give me one cent or not. I will write forever.

But if you can afford to give me a small amount of fiancial support, it would be the world.

Support for this blog? If I had it, this blog could fully blossom. I would make it my full-time job and I would give you more. More posts, more stories, more life.  I could share my life with you.

Let me share my life with you. Please. I LOVE YOU.

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ErinHelp Is Hope: Support This Blog

4 Comments on “Help Is Hope: Support This Blog”

  1. Ricardo

    Hello Erin.

    Thank you for the post.

    It must be really tough going through this and I understand. Sometimes in life all we need is safety or security emotionally or financially to keep going in life. What makes it tough is the feeling of hopelessness because we lack a guide. It’s great that at least you have family to support you and more. I believe that we must find simple ways of living and see where we are headed. When I was down at times when I have lost everything that only thing that kept me up and going was imagining “what could be” if I tried. I know failing, depression, frustration, anger is part of growing but I always keep saying to myself “what could be ” If i tried growing, if i tried being happy, if i tried not giving up, etc…. keep going and never give up, I never give up.

    All the best,


  2. Alison

    Dearest Erin,

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…”
    -Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

    Learning this lesson was the scariest thing I have ever faced. It was so much easier to stay hidden in my fear, until it became impossible, physically and mentally, to live that way. Every part of my body was screaming for release, but I forced it to continue…because I was so afraid of change.
    I used to rage inside when anyone would tell me that, ‘change can happen in an instant’, because it never seemed to work that way for me. The physical and psychological angst I was in was so intense and dark there was no way I could just ‘blink’ and it would disappear. I had been in this pit for so long that I felt the ‘cure’ had to match the time and amount of hurt I had endured.
    I could not have been more wrong. One night, while channel surfing I stopped to watch Dr. Dyer on PBS. I have always enjoyed his talks because, secretly, I have always wanted to be like him. Centered, in-control, loving, and at peace. While absently watching TV, I suddenly found myself filled with a profound sense peace. A peace so wonderful that my first reaction was fear,( of course). Deep inside of me I heard, “Alison, you must choose; either live in fear or learn to love, you can’t do both, it is killing you”. Screaming to the walls of my living room I asked, “Tell me how, how do I choose love?” The quiet reply, “you just did”; and my life changed… in an instant.
    Since that amazing evening, I have slowly learned to trust that the Universe I live in is a safe and loving place, because I choose to see it that way. Any time I become overwhelmed I simply surrender my feelings to the ‘greater intelligence’ that guides all we see and experience. I STOPPED resisting and simply let life flow through me, enjoying what I liked and letting anything that I didn’t, pass by. My past is just that; past. I no longer live there. It is gone. Daily I awake to see what new things the Universe wants to delight me with. I have changed…thank God… I have changed.
    That’s not to say my life is without its challenges. My P.T.S.D. can still shock, frighten, control me, so quickly, it leaves me breathless, but I know and firmly believe… that this too will pass.
    Erin, I love you as if you were my sister. Success has found you. Your message is so important to humankind. We as a species are evolving: Awakening! You are very much part of that process and because of this the Universe is sending abundance your way. An Emmy nomination…Wow! How many people can say that? I know you are frightened, I understand… its change…tremendous change…wonderful change. I hope you will embrace it, surrender to it and enjoy the crap out of it.
    Love you,

  3. J

    Dear Erin,
    I am glad you posted this, and am very sorry you are suffering so much.
    As far as I can see, your donate button only opens the way to one-off donations.
    Is there a way of setting it up with the option of regular donations, like setting up a direct debit, only via paypal?
    Take care. You are extraordinary in a wonderful way.

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