Depression Hurts but Kindness Lives

ErinThe Big Picture21 Comments

So far this year I've been in a lot of pain, but kindness is making it worth it. Here's how.I’d like to introduce you to the blue thing on my head. His name is Ice Pack Hat. Ice Pack Hat, meet my blog readers. It’s about time that you met.

Ice Pack Hat lives on my head to help ease my constant migraines. My blog readers live in my heart. Both my heart and head still hurt, though, a lot.

It’s hard to reveal such a sad picture of myself on here but it’s an accurate portrayal of my life at the moment. I feel terrible.

I have a confession to make: I haven’t been writing in my Good Things Jar for 2015 because so far the year is not going well.

I know that I “should” be writing good things for my Good Things Jar, because doing so literally makes me feel happier, but I can’t be bothered. My jar is surrounded by dishes that I have to wash, medication bottles, and craft supplies. I can’t even approach my counter without hating myself for being so disorganized and overwhelmed.

This year has been so hard and I’m being so hard on myself about it. I’ve turned 30 and suddenly I want to be fucking done with my depression. I want my life back.

I am doing all the things I can think of to fight depression harder than ever. I’m eating real meals with fruits and vegetables, having less caffeine, and making art every day. While I feel a little better physically from these things, my mood and migraines are still terrible.

So what’s the deal? Why do I feel so awful? Here’s my understanding:

I was really triggered a few weeks ago because my childhood abuser came back into my life briefly. The encounter reminded me of how he’s got away with being a sex offender while I feel broken and scared of the world.

It’s hard to have something so huge on my mind and not tell you about it, but I just hate the whole situation so much I don’t even want to bring it up. If my uncle ever Googles my name, I want him to see a blog that’s never been touched by him.

But I’m so stressed out. I can’t relax at all. I really want to listen to my self-hypnosis recordings again, because they helped me so much before, but I don’t want to let my guard down. So I clench my teeth and hold my breath and keep my shoulders tense in self-protection. None of it helps.

It feels like everything is falling apart but I’m still here. I’m still fighting.

Shitty stuff is happening in the world but good stuff is still making its way into my life, even if I’m not writing about it for my Good Things Jar.

For example, I got new neighbours over the weekend. Another pug now lives a meter from my door. He is black and his name is Bernie. He loves to give kisses.

What are the chances of that? Of all the tenants in the world, of all the breeds of dogs, of all the terrible shit in this world, a little three-year-old pug arrived at my door stop. Pugs are the happiest little weirdos to ever exist. They make everyone feel awesome, no matter what.

My past, my traumas, may have a grip on me, but I have a grip on the good things.

The universe can be cruel but it can also be kind. I am not losing kindness, no matter what has happened to me.

My arms are outstretched, palms open. Let it rain.

ErinDepression Hurts but Kindness Lives

21 Comments on “Depression Hurts but Kindness Lives”

  1. Jan

    Oh Erin, i am so sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I don’t think this cold weather is helping matters either for any of us. Well,I just wanted to wish you well and let you know someone cares.

    1. Erin

      Hi Jan,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. This weather is most definitely not helping any of us! I think of you often and wish you well, too. *HUGS*
      Love Erin

  2. kinnery

    you’re such an inspiration. things have been a little bit difficult for me lately, nothing huge, but your words remind me that there’s so much good surrounding me. even when my past seems a little too close, it doesn’t control me.

    1. Erin

      Hey Kinnery!
      Thank you so much. I’m with you in feeling like the past seems a little too close. I try to use that feeling to make my future INCREDIBLE but that is just exhausting sometimes. You help me keep a bright future, you know. It’s so awesome. Thank you!
      Love Erin

  3. LaVonne

    My heart breaks for you. My depression has been creeping up and I continue to push it down to hide it but that never solves the problem. You inspire me Erin and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes; a beautiful, strong, creative, talented, intelligent and kind woman. You are ONLY 30 and have had a huge positive impact on this world and that in my eyes is HUGE!!! So fuck the dishes they don’t have a life span and the don’t define you. You are doing great :)

    1. Erin

      Hi LaVonne! *HUGS*
      You’ve helped me to see myself through your eyes and it is such a gift. I love how you say that my dishes don’t have a life span. I would argue that you’re right. I tend to use plastic ones I can’t break and they seem like they’d survive the apocalypse anyway. Hehe!
      Take care,
      Love Erin

  4. Paul

    I know things are bad for you right now, and I wish I could take some of the burden off of your shoulders, but, oddly, I also feel encouraged by your post. I admire your determination and your ability to find good in your life. I want to learn from your example.

  5. Elizabeth

    Wow Erin I wish that I had know you when I was entering into my 30s. You are wise beyond your years. Your writing is eloquent and inspiring. I am going to be 60 this year and I can tell you reflecting back, that depression is the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced me to pause. I find people who have never had to battle for anything are really quite boring. You most definitely are not, nor will ever be one of those people. Congratulations on your new neighbour. Congratulations on having the ability to understand the pure joy in that. Those are the moments in life that really do matter.

    1. Erin

      Thank you, Elizabeth! Depression is this awful thing but you’re right, it truly does reshape things and force you to find yourself. It’s helped me to really search for what I truly enjoy doing and value that over making tons of money or doing what society expects of me automatically. It’s a struggle but I think, as the years pass, it will get better and I will be much happier overall due to the lessons it taught me.
      Thanks again for reading along and sharing your thoughts.
      Erin

  6. Vicki

    I give great hugs and it sounds like you could use one today. Feel my arms around you, let your defenses down and let yourself melt. Let your sadness ooze into me and let my love ooze into you. Stay as long as you like and as long as you need

        1. Erin

          Hi Vicki,
          I’m so glad to hear that my writing has helped you understand your son’s depression. It’s such a complicated thing and it’s so hard to watch a loved one suffer. I think you’re pretty incredible for searching to help your son like this. Be well,
          <3 Erin

  7. K

    Your writing is so beautiful. You have such a gift to be able to express such complex, difficult emotions with such eloquent, meaningful words.

    I hope that the combination of Ice Pack Man, Bernie the cute pug, and caring friends/readers can help the pain become manageable.

    Keep up the fight. (And I firmly do believe that dog kisses bestow the recipient with loving/kindness superpowers…)

  8. Helen

    Hi Erin,
    Just wanted to say you are amazing! Everything that has happened and is happening in your life and you keep on keeping on. You give so much to ‘us’ with your writing, sharing your thoughts, giving encouragement, doing your art, loving pugs, making your art, opening your heart and soul to your bloggowers and so much more. I wish for you the day that your headaches pass and you can show depression the back door. You couldn’t do more. The jar will always be there and there will be plenty of good things to go in it. I’m sure of that.
    Helen :-)
    P.S Keep gripping!

  9. Niki

    I’m certain this will make you happier. I was at work on my phone and going through pinterest. I compltely planned on cutting when i got home for the first time in a about a week. Then it popped up that you started following ‘coloring pages adult’. So instead of cutting i printed off some pages. I wish I could give you something that I colored to make you smile. But thank you. Thank you for helping me even when its just on pinterest. **HUGS**

    1. Erin

      Omg Niki, that’s awesome! Colouring is so healing. Whenever I get stuck with art or creativity or life in general, using colourful markers, pencil crayons, or plain crayons gets my soul back into place. I’m so glad it helped you stay safe today! *hugs*
      <3 Erin

  10. C A Landers

    I hope you feel better soon

    My brother has a ‘hat’ like that. Mum bought him one of those ‘old fashioned’ waterproof fabric ice holders, so he can use it for his cluster headaches. It’s red with spots, very vintage.

  11. Growing Positive

    Hi Erin, sorry to hear things have been taking a turn for the worse. Keep up your positive habits and I’m sure it’ll pay off even if it doesn’t look that way. I find that a cluttered environment is the worst, and reflects my mental state. I try to force myself to tidy everything if I’m feeling down and atleast having an organised room and desk will allow me to feel like I’ve taken a small step towards sorting my life together. That’s one thing to write in the Good Things Jar atleast :) You’re a strong fighter Erin, I really hope you get some goodluck soon and nice things come your way. I got my fingers crossed for you! x

    Growing Positive

  12. Erin

    Erin,
    Tonight was my first time reading your blog. You can not understand how much I needed to find this. Im very sorry to hear that this has not been a good year for you so far. I can definitely relate. I have suffered from depression for many years now but have repressed and hidden it from anyone who could help. As I am in the midst of a very low point I desperately needed to know things would get better. As I searched for blogs of people in similar situations I came across yours. It was not the first to appear but for some reason I was drawn to it. I began reading your posts and saw we share the same name. You and your blog have inspired me and I think that you were a sign that I needed. Thank you and good luck x

    Erin

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