I wish it weren’t so socially unacceptable to scream. I mean, that’s kind of the point behind screaming – a scream stands out and therefore is a great defense mechanism in emergencies – but we don’t scream enough. We often feel like screaming but instead we swear or yell at someone else, or we bury it deep inside until our pain rears its head in some other form.
Sometimes it feels like my voice is trapped inside me and it’s a wonder I can make any sound at all. It takes bravery to speak. I’d love to be able to scream into a pillow like some people do but I’m never brave enough to even try that. I know it would do me good, but I also think hearing my own scream would be as therapeutic as the act of screaming.
Or would it scare me?
It would scare other people. They would probably overlook my invisible illness and berate me for scaring them.
Maybe if we feel like screaming but don’t feel safe enough to we can scream in other ways. Express ourselves in any healthy way we can, whether it’s some sort of art or just going for a run, getting our adrenaline flowing to remind us we’re alive.
Here’s another option:
Next time someone asks you how you are, if it applies to you, bravely state, “I feel like screaming today.”
See where it takes you. Sometimes honesty is the best way to get your truth out, but metaphor can feel safer.
I definitely feel like screaming these days.
May 31, 2012 @ 23:40:28
I agree wholeheartedly. I sometimes wish I were still a kid, children express their emotions so openly and honestly. I wish we had the same freedom to express ourselves as adults as we did as children.
I have tried that honesty, in other words than “I feel like screaming”, and while one person was sympathetic and caring, another then proceeded to tell my problem was not my invisible illness but rather the medication I take and the therapy I seek. She told me to just “be positive, smile when you don’t feel like it”. I had to stay very calm in that moment.
The other issue, with being that honest, it lays you open and bare. Naked in front of so many. To tell someone that, how you feel, then pushes the vulnerablity you feel inside out into the open so your wounds and scars, are all on display. It makes me feel so scared, to be that open.
And sometimes I feel people on the outside looking in, see my mental illness as an excuse to behave eccentrically. Not in a good way, if I ever behave strangely, well strangely based on their standards, they blame it on the illness and say things like “she can get away with it, because of what she is”. I wish for nothing more than to not be this way, not be who I am. And at times, I want to scream rather than cry.
Jun 01, 2012 @ 19:32:57
I had someone yesterday tell me to “think positively” and “just smile” yesterday after I cried and opened up to them about everything I’ve been feeling. This was to someone who has seen me at some of my lowest points, so I really expected more. I’m sorry you had that experience. It’s so invalidating.
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:22:12
Ugh that sucks about someone telling you to “just smile” in response to your pain. I want to go back in time and yell at them! lol
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:17:53
You’re right, kids do express themselves so openly. I guess it might be safest to only describe how we are feeling around someone that we trust. Thank you for your honesty here. I hope this feels like a safe place to vent. Be well <3
Jun 01, 2012 @ 01:10:57
“I feel like screaming today” would make a great t-shirt. I don’t know where the picture in this blog entry came from, but it could go with the shirt….
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:22:56
That is an AWESOME IDEA. If I ever make t-shirts that say “I feel like screaming today” you get one for free. Better yet, you should make some! Maybe I’ll start with a button…
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:55:44
I can’t make nuthin’. I was looking at your Etsy page, and you can actually make stuff…..the button, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood” is classic!
Jun 01, 2012 @ 01:13:56
I sincerely wish you more emotional peace Destroy the Queen and Erin, and for me too
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:23:37
Thank you, Jan. I wish you wellness, too. <3
Jun 01, 2012 @ 01:45:23
I love a good scream and the emotional relief that follows. That is part of the reason I love riding roller coasters and amusement park rides. And I LOVE the picture you selected for this entry. Thank you for each and every one of your posts.
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:24:50
Wow, that’s a great idea! Going on a roller coaster is a great way to get your screaming out without scaring the pants off everyone around you. Kind of like how some people go to concerts just to be close to other people. Really neat idea! Thanks for your input.
Jun 01, 2012 @ 10:36:49
we have some neighbor kids and all they do is scream! they get home from school and go out to the yard and scream their heads off! it’s funny to hear them because i know they are not screaming because need to- they WANT to scream! it’s fun for them! but then again, maybe after a day of being told to be quiet in school, the do need to scream… i guess that’s why people like to go to sporting events- they can scream there with thousands of others screaming too…
but screaming is hard for me, too. i don’t do it. not in the privacy of my car, not into a pillow… it’s a learned thing with me… my mom screamed but my dad never did. and just once, i wish he would have… it was so uncomfortable hearing my mom scream… whether in anger or frustration… maybe if you grow up with a lot of screaming it’s just another one of those things that can keep you from it. but that doesn’t mean i don’t want to- sometimes every day.
what a post, erin. so much to think about.
xoxo
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:35:55
Hey Regina,
Yeah, screaming is a very powerful thing, and when it’s being used around you a lot it can be overwhelming. I used to listen to this one album and during the lyrics of one particular song it sounded like my name was being called from downstairs. Whenever that song came on I was like, “Shit!!” and then rushed to hide my tears. Even now it catches me sometimes, when I’m out of earshot from anyone.
I live next door to a daycare and it’s hard when the kids start screaming extra loudly. I keep thinking that they’re being murdered or something.
Be well! xo
Jun 02, 2012 @ 22:16:54
I have that problem too. Whenever I scream, at an amusement park I mean in socially acceptable places, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I literally have silent screams. Which is just as terrifying and upsetting as not being able to scream at all.
Not sure how one goes about fixing that.
Thankyou Jan, and Erin. Kinnery I hope that one day that person will realise how stupid they sounded. Maybe they will experience the same things you have, the ones you were trying to express to them, and they will realise how unhelpful their advice was. Not that I wish the kind of misery I have experienced and the kind you have, on anyone. But sometimes I think some people would understand more if they had just a taste of the things we live through. Maybe, maybe not.
Be well!
Jun 01, 2012 @ 19:30:28
It’s incredible, you always seem to mirror exactly where I am in my mind. I’ve been needing to scream, but have been too scared to do so. Telling someone about that feeling seems like a really good alternative, and a good way to express feelings that I don’t otherwise know how to articulate.
Can’t wait to see you soon!
Jun 01, 2012 @ 21:37:19
We should have a scream session when we meet up! LOL. You know how some people yell an inappropriate word and then try to outdo the last person’s volume in saying it? Hehe. Yes, I’m really looking forward to seeing you soon, too! :)