A Sign for My Window

Life feels dark and directionless today. The weather can’t be helping, cold and blowing, rain hissing down from the sky. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for disaster, which I know is ridiculous. I create my life. Mental illness affects it but I can choose positive thinking to get myself through today. But it’s hard with the sky so dark.

Every once in a while, life brings someone into my life that helps me see the sun. Someone breathes life into my veins and shows me that there’s a lot out there in the world, a lot of goodness that can be trusted. Then life takes that person away and I question whether they existed in the first place. It’s hard to believe in the good when it leaves so little evidence.

But I contradict myself again. There is evidence of good in the world, as I talked about in my last post. I just have to get there and hang on until I do. My problem is that there are so many people around me that are tired of life as well. There are so many of us straining for something better.

I read a quote this week, adding it to my one hundred and fifty page collection that grounds me when no one else can:

[My best tip for overcoming depression is] to regard it as being like the weather. It’s not your responsibility that it’s raining, but it is real when it rains, and the fact that it’s raining does not mean that the rain is never going to stop. The only thing to do is to believe that, one day, it won’t be raining and accept it so you can find a mental umbrella to shield yourself from the worst. The sun will eventually come up.

-          Stephen Fry

Maybe I should make a sign for my window that the sky can read and be reminded that some of us down here have had too much rain. DEAR SUN, PLEASE RETURN TO MY LIFE. AND WHEN YOU COME BACK, DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE AGAIN. At least stick around long enough for me to dry off and warm up and sit in peace.

I feel myself in my own way. My self-talk is bad and my self-esteem is worse. Hence my lack of blog posts lately. And then, of course, I beat myself up over that.

Isolation is always a trap for me. I fall into it so easily since I adore doing solitary things like reading and writing and doing art. It felt like my connection with the world was falling away piece by piece and then I got the flu, so all the events I was looking forward to got crossed off my calendar. Now I feel like I have nothing to pick back up.

The solution is there: Go, don’t think, just go and do it and live. Or at least, write.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jan
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 00:46:41

    Or you could make a big sun shaped poster for your wall
    with a smiley face.I love your writing by the way.Greetings from Vermont Usa Rain, snow, hail, some sun too, Jan

    Reply

  2. Emma
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 02:57:46

    Erin, I just started reading your blog and what you are doing is inspiring! I have struggled with severe depression and bipolar disorder since my teens and can relate…if you need to talk or go for a walk you know where to find me :)

    Reply

    • daisiesandbruises
      Apr 25, 2012 @ 11:53:25

      Hey! I read your comment and was like, “I don’t know where to find you…” and then was like, oh, that Emma! Cool!! LOL you made my day.

      Thanks so much for checking out my blog! This post isn’t the best sample of what I hope to teach and share with the world around mental illness but it sounds like you can relate to the bad days as well. I’m sorry to hear about that you’ve struggled a lot, too. I hope you feel comfortable reaching out to me as well when you need it. <3

      You should check out this post of mine, How My Dog Made Me Like People Again. It's one of my favourites and has the world's best pug pic of Milo along with it! http://daisiesandbruises.com/2011/06/30/how-my-dog-made-me-like-people-again/

      Thanks again for making my day. And the sun is out today for real. Woo!

      Reply

  3. Lydia
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 06:53:09

    I just started reading your blog and I love it. I understand how you feel.

    Reply

  4. Regina
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 07:52:03

    i’ve read some wonderful quotes by stephen fry- and this was no exception. i think we all get into that place where we start questioning the voracity of everything in our lives… it’s a hard road. we have to let belief come in there somewhere, even just a little, that things eventually turn around or just… soften.
    i love you, erin.
    thank you for always posting when i really need to read something.
    xo

    Reply

  5. Kathy
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 10:36:58

    Eriin,i really enjoy reading your blog,you inspire me at times and i always understand how you feel,keep trying to be strong

    Reply

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