Mondays have become a trap for me since I moved a few weeks ago. See, I have no commitments on Mondays and so the day slips away easily. Since I have no obligations I start slipping into the “Why Bother” frame of mind. The longer I stay there the worse my depression gets.
Here’s how it works. I woke up at 9 when my alarm went off and thought to myself, “I have nothing to do today so why not sleep in?” So I did, I slept until 11:00. I told myself I needed the rest and I do since I haven’t had a good sleep since I moved.
When I do get up I realize that my schedule is already off track from sleeping in so there’s no harm in checking my email and watching Adventure Time on my computer for a while before tackling the project I’m working on. From there it’s a series of questions, compromises, and assumptions.
“Why shower if no one is going to see me today?”
“Why clean up my clothes or make my bed if no one ever comes to my apartment?”
“Why would anyone want to come to my apartment if it’s such a mess?”
“Why would anyone want to be my friend since I’m such a mess?”
Soon the one decision of sleeping in has made me give up all of my intentions for the day. The more I mess up my schedule, the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more I slack off believing I’m not worth the effort anyway.
Everyone has heard that positive thinking makes life better but it sounds like a bunch of bullshit. What I’m learning is that it’s one hundred percent true. Today I thought, “Why bother?” over and over and over until I realized that no one would bother with me if I stayed such a mess. Have you ever hung out with someone who’s in a really bad mood? It sucks! It drags you down, doesn’t it? Well I’m in a bad mood and my apartment is a mess and I hate my life. Who wants to hang out?
Life isn’t so simple that we can snap our fingers and fix our life with positive thinking but trying to stay positive throughout the day has helped me stay on track with managing my depression. I know from experience that getting up, showering, getting dressed, and getting out of the damn house every day makes me feel better. It doesn’t create world peace, it doesn’t make a difference to anyone but me, but guess what? I hate me most of the time but I have to be me all the time! ALL THE FUCKING TIME. So I have to do things for me or it’s going to suck being me.
It can be easy to put ourselves on the back burner because no one will nag us if we don’t keep a promise to ourselves. But if you are like me and your sole purpose in life seems to revolve around helping others, remember that you have to help yourself first. Feeding the dog or the kids can seem more important than feeding yourself, but if we don’t feed ourselves we don’t have the energy to feed anyone else. You have to make sure that you are in the best shape possible so that you can do things for other people if that is your goal.
My goal for this week is to take care of me. I don’t have to be perfect – I know I won’t be – but I have to try. I have to try to do basic daily tasks that help me in the long run because if I don’t, there won’t be a long run. No more talking myself out of everything. Here’s to trying, here’s to doing, here’s to giving ourselves a hand up.
The greatest feeling that accompanies depression is apathy. Why bother? What point is there in living? There isn’t a point. You have to make one yourself.